This week I have brought lunch and breakfast to work everyday and I have not spent any money at the cafeteria or the little snack shop. Last year, I normally bought my breakfast and lunch here at work - and in general I bought a 20 oz. soda each time I went down so that I was drinking about 40 oz. of diet soda just at work. We won't go into my home habits. This week I limited myself to one 12 oz. can of diet coke that I brought from home - other than that I use the watercooler and either drink water straight up or make tea. When I buy soda at work it's $1.50, whereas my soda from ranges between 33 cents to 42 cents a can - (depending on the case I got it from) - so lets say my soda is about 40 cents. So...last year I spent about $15 a week in soda at work, this year I have spent $2. I've saved $13 in soda. If I do this rest of the year - I can save $676 in soda alone. Nutso. I've never thought about it like this before.
I need to go drink some water.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A well deserved break
We are seven days into the new year and currently all systems are go. Both of my sinks are shining, I've pretty much stayed on plan in WW, and I'm checking things off on my work to-do list. So tonight I took a break because man, I'm tired. This means that I cracked opened my new Glee DVD (thanks Leanne), dragged out the home foot spa and painted my little piggies pink, and enjoyed my last half of cheesecake from Sunday (yum, red velvet cheesecake - this is why we have weekly allowances from WW).
I think in order for my new outlook on routine, I am going to have to work in set breaks for me - otherwise I'm going to burnout. So Thursday is going to be my pamper me night. Manis, Pedis, masks, and Grey's Anatomy will be on the agenda. I'm also going to allow myself Monday night from 8-9 off so I can watch Chuck. I'll just have to catch up on my other shows on the weekend.
The other thing I have to work on is the listing of my routines. The one thing that I've noticed about FLYlady is that her routines are built mostly around households with multiple family members. The default routine is very morning centric, which can be tricky for me because I am so not a morning person. I may have to move somethings around. But then I guess that is the beauty of the system - I can mix and match and make what works for me.
I think in order for my new outlook on routine, I am going to have to work in set breaks for me - otherwise I'm going to burnout. So Thursday is going to be my pamper me night. Manis, Pedis, masks, and Grey's Anatomy will be on the agenda. I'm also going to allow myself Monday night from 8-9 off so I can watch Chuck. I'll just have to catch up on my other shows on the weekend.
The other thing I have to work on is the listing of my routines. The one thing that I've noticed about FLYlady is that her routines are built mostly around households with multiple family members. The default routine is very morning centric, which can be tricky for me because I am so not a morning person. I may have to move somethings around. But then I guess that is the beauty of the system - I can mix and match and make what works for me.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Moms know best
I've been calling my mom every night to give her a WW and FLYlady update because it makes her happy. Anyways - I told her about the cupcake incident earlier in the day and that I can't find anyone to share my cupcakes with, which is when she threw out - just freeze them and bring them when you visit me in 2 weeks. I asked what to do about the frosting and she said just to leave them frosting free - essentially making them muffins. This is why I love my mom so much!!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Cupcake Crisis
I've been trying to post after work, but something just happened that I had to write about.
I went to a New Years party on Friday and made these delicious cupcakes. And unfortunatley I had to make a double batch because I accidently bought the jumbo sized cupcake liners so the first batch only made 9 cupcakes - and you can't just bring 9 cupcakes to a party - you need to bring at least a dozen. Anyways -being that they are jumbo sized - I could only fit 12 with me - so I was left with the last 9. Here's my thinking - I can bring a couple to work and split them with the girls (who LOVE cupcakes, especially chocolate cupcakes rest of the year). I don't even want them to eat a whole cupcake - a quarter would be great.
Nobody is biting. And that is driving me CRAZY. I know - I should be understanding. But I have issues with people saying, "I ain't going to be eating no more sugar rest of the year because I was so bad this holiday." Meanwhile they are chugging starbuck lattes and eating regular sized candy canes like no tomorrow. Anyways - I finally cracked and said something snarky about the candy canes to a co-worker. I'm thinking we won't be eating lunch again for a while.
I get it - I really do. I probably would do the same thing. Actually, what I would do is say, "Maybe later." and then just conveniently not come by. Because I don't want to offend their feelings by not trying their creation. But maybe its because for me - cooking is so personal and I want people to love everything I make. So I'm taking it personally that they would rather eat a candy cane or starbucks and claim that they aren't eating any more sugar when in fact they are.
I at least am laying it out front. I'm eating my cupcakes, just in small doses. Very small doses. Problem is - its going to take a lot of little small doses to get rid of all these cupcakes. And since they are my creations that I poured lots of love into (I even cried when I wasn't sure if they were going to come out right because of their jumboness) - I can't just throw them away. My cupcakes are big and I'm big - and rejecting them because of their jumboness is like the people who look right through me because of my bigness. Oy.
Anybody want to help me, preferribly by eating cupcakes.
I went to a New Years party on Friday and made these delicious cupcakes. And unfortunatley I had to make a double batch because I accidently bought the jumbo sized cupcake liners so the first batch only made 9 cupcakes - and you can't just bring 9 cupcakes to a party - you need to bring at least a dozen. Anyways -being that they are jumbo sized - I could only fit 12 with me - so I was left with the last 9. Here's my thinking - I can bring a couple to work and split them with the girls (who LOVE cupcakes, especially chocolate cupcakes rest of the year). I don't even want them to eat a whole cupcake - a quarter would be great.
Nobody is biting. And that is driving me CRAZY. I know - I should be understanding. But I have issues with people saying, "I ain't going to be eating no more sugar rest of the year because I was so bad this holiday." Meanwhile they are chugging starbuck lattes and eating regular sized candy canes like no tomorrow. Anyways - I finally cracked and said something snarky about the candy canes to a co-worker. I'm thinking we won't be eating lunch again for a while.
I get it - I really do. I probably would do the same thing. Actually, what I would do is say, "Maybe later." and then just conveniently not come by. Because I don't want to offend their feelings by not trying their creation. But maybe its because for me - cooking is so personal and I want people to love everything I make. So I'm taking it personally that they would rather eat a candy cane or starbucks and claim that they aren't eating any more sugar when in fact they are.
I at least am laying it out front. I'm eating my cupcakes, just in small doses. Very small doses. Problem is - its going to take a lot of little small doses to get rid of all these cupcakes. And since they are my creations that I poured lots of love into (I even cried when I wasn't sure if they were going to come out right because of their jumboness) - I can't just throw them away. My cupcakes are big and I'm big - and rejecting them because of their jumboness is like the people who look right through me because of my bigness. Oy.
Anybody want to help me, preferribly by eating cupcakes.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Baked with love
To put things gently, I have a tendency to keep things. A lot of things. At one point I said to my friend, "I'm worried that I may be one of those hoarders on tv." She told me that I had nothing to worry about because unlike them - I realize that things are messy and start to do something about it on my own. I can't decide if that's really comforting.
I ended up keeping a lot of things when Chris died. There were all the gifts I got him for Christmas. Then the gifts he got me. There were the ornaments to the Christmas tree. There were some movies that were sentimental. His mom sent half his pantry home with me. And there were about 8 bags of clothes.
Yes, clothes, ranging from button down shirts, t-shirts, socks, etc. At the time I was desperate for his scent. At the urging of my therapist, I actually took one of his shirts and sealed it in a plastic baggie in order to preserve that (it's not mentally healthy to do that if the person is alive though). By now the only thing that shirt smells like is that bag. And I think for the first year after he died, I was wearing something of his everyday.
So I'll bring you to yesterday. I decided to make bread. Important thing when making bread is that at a couple of points you let the bread sit and rise. To do this, you have to cover it up with some kind of cloth so that the bread can breathe but that it also doesn't catch a draught. Most recipes call for a dish cloth, but unfortunately mine were all in use. So what to do. It was then that I remembered that I have all these undershirts from Chris. They've been sitting clean in a drawer for almost a year now, and I figure that they will be ideal because undershirt fabric is designed for wearers skin to breathe but thick enough to keep other things out. So I grab a shirt and a knife and rip it at the seams. My main thought is - isn't this resourceful.
It of course worked like a charm (the actual bread recipe is another matter). So I'm telling my mom about my cleverness. To my surprise, my mom says, "That is really just so sweet. It's like a little bit of Chris was hugging your bread and keeping it warm." This is unexpected because in general my mom usually doesn't bring him up, especially in such a sentimental way. Usually its something that I mention.
I like my mom's thought. I like that my mom brought it up, but the thing that makes me happier is that it wasn't my first thought.
I'm finally at the point where I am ready for these things just to be my things, and not reminders of him. The things I want to keep are the things that I have great uses for - like his socks are excellent for wearing with boots because the prevent them from chafing my legs, and I love wearing some of his bigger t-shirts as pajamas. But I know that one day these socks will wear out and I will have to throw them away or that when I finally start dating again - I will probably have to get rid of many of these "other guy" clothes because it'll just be too weird to keep them. It's been a long time coming to this point, and at times I never thought I would get here, but its a relief to know that I have made it. Because I'm finally getting to the point where I am really ready to move on.
I ended up keeping a lot of things when Chris died. There were all the gifts I got him for Christmas. Then the gifts he got me. There were the ornaments to the Christmas tree. There were some movies that were sentimental. His mom sent half his pantry home with me. And there were about 8 bags of clothes.
Yes, clothes, ranging from button down shirts, t-shirts, socks, etc. At the time I was desperate for his scent. At the urging of my therapist, I actually took one of his shirts and sealed it in a plastic baggie in order to preserve that (it's not mentally healthy to do that if the person is alive though). By now the only thing that shirt smells like is that bag. And I think for the first year after he died, I was wearing something of his everyday.
So I'll bring you to yesterday. I decided to make bread. Important thing when making bread is that at a couple of points you let the bread sit and rise. To do this, you have to cover it up with some kind of cloth so that the bread can breathe but that it also doesn't catch a draught. Most recipes call for a dish cloth, but unfortunately mine were all in use. So what to do. It was then that I remembered that I have all these undershirts from Chris. They've been sitting clean in a drawer for almost a year now, and I figure that they will be ideal because undershirt fabric is designed for wearers skin to breathe but thick enough to keep other things out. So I grab a shirt and a knife and rip it at the seams. My main thought is - isn't this resourceful.
It of course worked like a charm (the actual bread recipe is another matter). So I'm telling my mom about my cleverness. To my surprise, my mom says, "That is really just so sweet. It's like a little bit of Chris was hugging your bread and keeping it warm." This is unexpected because in general my mom usually doesn't bring him up, especially in such a sentimental way. Usually its something that I mention.
I like my mom's thought. I like that my mom brought it up, but the thing that makes me happier is that it wasn't my first thought.
I'm finally at the point where I am ready for these things just to be my things, and not reminders of him. The things I want to keep are the things that I have great uses for - like his socks are excellent for wearing with boots because the prevent them from chafing my legs, and I love wearing some of his bigger t-shirts as pajamas. But I know that one day these socks will wear out and I will have to throw them away or that when I finally start dating again - I will probably have to get rid of many of these "other guy" clothes because it'll just be too weird to keep them. It's been a long time coming to this point, and at times I never thought I would get here, but its a relief to know that I have made it. Because I'm finally getting to the point where I am really ready to move on.
Water. Part Deux
I think I wrote about water back in 2008. Back then I wasn't getting enough. The truth is I'm still not getting enough.
I get daunted by the fact that at a minimum I should be drinking 6 glasses of water and ideally that number should be 8. That is a lot. I'm not even sure if I drink that much liquid daily anyways. But lately I've been feeling really dehydrated.
So this week at WW, the whole theme is goals and at the meeting we actually had to come up with acheivable short term and long term goals. So I decided Water consumption needs to be my goal. Specifically - that I will drink 4 glasses of water at home daily for a week. The point of this goal is to get me in the habit of drinking it at home, making sure that I refill my brita filter, yada yada.
So one of the things I'm doing is making sure that I have a glass of water beside my bed whenever I go to bed and that I drink it before I fall asleep. This is something I have actually picked up from my old boyfriends. They both used to do this. I don't know if its a guy thing - like they know that the night makes people super parched or what. Chris would fill up one of those big plastic water bottles to the top, and by the morning the water would be mostly gone or completely gone. Evil Mike on the other hand, filled regular glasses and then placed said glasses on top of my wooden nightstand sans a coaster - ruining the top of said nightstand. While I don't think I can drink a whole water bottle of water like Chris, I've made sure that I put my glass on top of a coaster unlike Evil Mike.
So far I've made it through the first day. Onto day 2 of the great water challenge.
I get daunted by the fact that at a minimum I should be drinking 6 glasses of water and ideally that number should be 8. That is a lot. I'm not even sure if I drink that much liquid daily anyways. But lately I've been feeling really dehydrated.
So this week at WW, the whole theme is goals and at the meeting we actually had to come up with acheivable short term and long term goals. So I decided Water consumption needs to be my goal. Specifically - that I will drink 4 glasses of water at home daily for a week. The point of this goal is to get me in the habit of drinking it at home, making sure that I refill my brita filter, yada yada.
So one of the things I'm doing is making sure that I have a glass of water beside my bed whenever I go to bed and that I drink it before I fall asleep. This is something I have actually picked up from my old boyfriends. They both used to do this. I don't know if its a guy thing - like they know that the night makes people super parched or what. Chris would fill up one of those big plastic water bottles to the top, and by the morning the water would be mostly gone or completely gone. Evil Mike on the other hand, filled regular glasses and then placed said glasses on top of my wooden nightstand sans a coaster - ruining the top of said nightstand. While I don't think I can drink a whole water bottle of water like Chris, I've made sure that I put my glass on top of a coaster unlike Evil Mike.
So far I've made it through the first day. Onto day 2 of the great water challenge.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Cindarelly
Back in high school I did this sumer architecture boot camp for teens that helped me realize that I really didn't want to be an architect. One of the assignments was to take a random architecture based clip art pic and write about it. Basically writing a blog entry. I chose a picture of a building in Tours France. Ok - the picture I just linked to is actually way prettier than the one I used - but then the only copy of I have of the one I used is a Black and White (and I thank this picture owner for letting me link to her picture.) Anyways, here is what I wrote
1) This is obviously based on the Disney Cinderella and not the kick ass Drew Barrymore Cinderella from Ever After. 2) I had some bad grammar in the original - so I've (hopefully) corrected it here 3) Explains a lot about my cleaning philosophy.
Not that I want to keep this cleaning philosophy. I would like to have lots of important guests over, like princes but more likely my friends and fam. It's something that I have decided to work on this year. Thanks to my friend Susan, I am going to try using this plan called FLYlady. It's kinda like Weight Watchers but for organizing yourself.
So far it has my kitchen sink is really shiny.
Cinderella's House -- Did you ever wonder why Cinderalla never complained about cleaning her house? She never told her wicked stepmother, "No, I will not wash all the windows today!" She never would ask her wicked stepmother to buy her a hoover vacuum cleaner for her birthday so that cleaning the floor would be easier. WHAT KIND OF GIRL WAS SHE? But I guess with a house like hers, she would want to keep it clean so she could invite over lots of important guese, like princes. Who knows, maybe she likes cleaning her great big house. It may have been a great stress reliever. At night she could lay down in her bed of straw and say, "It was my cleaning that makes this house shine so bright." What else would a girl who talked to mice say.
1) This is obviously based on the Disney Cinderella and not the kick ass Drew Barrymore Cinderella from Ever After. 2) I had some bad grammar in the original - so I've (hopefully) corrected it here 3) Explains a lot about my cleaning philosophy.
Not that I want to keep this cleaning philosophy. I would like to have lots of important guests over, like princes but more likely my friends and fam. It's something that I have decided to work on this year. Thanks to my friend Susan, I am going to try using this plan called FLYlady. It's kinda like Weight Watchers but for organizing yourself.
So far it has my kitchen sink is really shiny.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Begin Now
Well, my new years eve wasn't what I planned. After a bunch of peoples' urging - I ended up driving to Seneca State Park in Maryland with some friends to visit the light show there and then had dinner. We were back home by 10:30 - and I quickly feel into the deep sleep of a food coma and 1) Missed the ball being dropped 2) Missed eating my 12 grapes at midnight to give me good luck and 3) Didn't get a single cupcake ready for the party (at same friends' house). That means today I was a cooking fiend, trying to get ready some Fancy Mac and Cheese as well as the Cherry Chocolate Cupcakes. The recipes I used were from The Pioneer Woman's blog - technically the Tasty Kitchen site. At one point I did call my mom crying because I was having a cupcake crisis. I had bought the jumbo size paper liners and it was taking the cupcakes FOREVER to bake. She basically said , "Get a Hold of yourself woman! It's just a cupcake." Anyways - I ended up salvaging them and they ended up pretty good. One woman liked them so much that she hugged me. The mac and cheese was awesome too. Like cheese fondue on pasta. Yummy!
I have really grown to love Pioneer Woman's website this last year, but I do realize that if I ever hope to start losing weight again - I got to be careful about how many of her recipies or Tasty Kitchen recipies I embark on. I think I need to limit it to maybe 1 or 2 a week. Unless its like a heart healthy recipie or something like that. Seriously go check out Tasty Kitchen.
Anyways - I'm not really doing resolutions this year. I have likes though. I would like to cook more this year, and I would like to get back on the WW bandwagon. And I would like to get organized. So for the WW thing - its been really hard since they cancelled most of the 7 pm meetings. The ones they do offer are with a leader that I really don't like (yeah - I said it - I'm not a Wayne fan). Anyways - its been really hard trying to arrange my work schedule to get out in time to get to WW. But for some reason this week - I checked out the local area schedules again and found that my favorite leader (Barbara aka Fruit Lady) actually does a relatively local meeting in Falls Church on Saturday mornings. So I'm going to try to start going to those starting tomorrow. Well I guess technically today.
For the organization thing - I am going to try out FLYlady.net. My friend Susan mentioned something about it on facebook the other day and it intrigued me. So there you go. I am now FLYbaby Emtifahp.
Another like I want to do is that I want to blog more. So I'm going to set out some time in every evening to blog before bed.
And so that is how my 2010 is beginning.
I have really grown to love Pioneer Woman's website this last year, but I do realize that if I ever hope to start losing weight again - I got to be careful about how many of her recipies or Tasty Kitchen recipies I embark on. I think I need to limit it to maybe 1 or 2 a week. Unless its like a heart healthy recipie or something like that. Seriously go check out Tasty Kitchen.
Anyways - I'm not really doing resolutions this year. I have likes though. I would like to cook more this year, and I would like to get back on the WW bandwagon. And I would like to get organized. So for the WW thing - its been really hard since they cancelled most of the 7 pm meetings. The ones they do offer are with a leader that I really don't like (yeah - I said it - I'm not a Wayne fan). Anyways - its been really hard trying to arrange my work schedule to get out in time to get to WW. But for some reason this week - I checked out the local area schedules again and found that my favorite leader (Barbara aka Fruit Lady) actually does a relatively local meeting in Falls Church on Saturday mornings. So I'm going to try to start going to those starting tomorrow. Well I guess technically today.
For the organization thing - I am going to try out FLYlady.net. My friend Susan mentioned something about it on facebook the other day and it intrigued me. So there you go. I am now FLYbaby Emtifahp.
Another like I want to do is that I want to blog more. So I'm going to set out some time in every evening to blog before bed.
And so that is how my 2010 is beginning.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tonight's Gonna Be A....
Quiet Night.
Seriously. I've decided that I am going to stay home by myself and treat myself to a homecooked meal. Maybe make some cupcakes for tomorrow's party I have to go to. I went to the store last night and got some sparkling wine, some regular wine (it's called Project Happiness, I could start the year with some happiness), and my grapes.
The last time I did this was the NYE 2007. That night I was getting over a mega cold, could barely talk, had to miss going to a friend's NYE party. Instead I stayed home and cleaned. I also called this guy Chris for the first time who I had been talking to on eharmony for a while. We had decided to meet new years day and I was calling to confirm. I remember that he seemed uncomfortable talking on the phone - and I kinda had it in my mind that this probably wasn't going to go anywhere. I then called my friend Kelly and told her that I was going to be in her neighborhood in the afternoon and that I would come by after my date.
I cleaned until about 11:45, then I turned on the tv to watch the ball dropped. As soon as it dropped - I went to bed.
Next day I was feeling loads better. I could talk - with the assistance of hot tea.
Headed out for my date.
In the words of Chandler Bing, "I'm telling you, years from now, school children will study it and call it the best first date of ALL Time." At least for me it was.
We talked for 8 hours. Closed down Panera. It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized that I had forgotten to call Kelly. She was all, "Yo Holmes, where are you? I'm about the send the police out looking for you." but as soon as she heard that I just finished my date - she wanted the deets.
That's the best new years I've ever had.
So tonights going to be a quiet night. I'll cook and clean. I'll eat my 12 grapes at midnight. Then I'll sleep, hopefully ushering a new year in with dreams of peace.
Seriously. I've decided that I am going to stay home by myself and treat myself to a homecooked meal. Maybe make some cupcakes for tomorrow's party I have to go to. I went to the store last night and got some sparkling wine, some regular wine (it's called Project Happiness, I could start the year with some happiness), and my grapes.
The last time I did this was the NYE 2007. That night I was getting over a mega cold, could barely talk, had to miss going to a friend's NYE party. Instead I stayed home and cleaned. I also called this guy Chris for the first time who I had been talking to on eharmony for a while. We had decided to meet new years day and I was calling to confirm. I remember that he seemed uncomfortable talking on the phone - and I kinda had it in my mind that this probably wasn't going to go anywhere. I then called my friend Kelly and told her that I was going to be in her neighborhood in the afternoon and that I would come by after my date.
I cleaned until about 11:45, then I turned on the tv to watch the ball dropped. As soon as it dropped - I went to bed.
Next day I was feeling loads better. I could talk - with the assistance of hot tea.
Headed out for my date.
In the words of Chandler Bing, "I'm telling you, years from now, school children will study it and call it the best first date of ALL Time." At least for me it was.
We talked for 8 hours. Closed down Panera. It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized that I had forgotten to call Kelly. She was all, "Yo Holmes, where are you? I'm about the send the police out looking for you." but as soon as she heard that I just finished my date - she wanted the deets.
That's the best new years I've ever had.
So tonights going to be a quiet night. I'll cook and clean. I'll eat my 12 grapes at midnight. Then I'll sleep, hopefully ushering a new year in with dreams of peace.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Discussions with myself
It's December 30. Just one more day left of 2009 as well as this first decade of the 21st century.
Back 10 years ago - I was on my final winter vacation during college. My family had moved back to Texas after a two year stint in Fairfax, VA. My mom tried to make a love connection between me and one of her colleagues sons, but it had only resulted in an eerily silent staring match. And I spent New Years Eve with my sister and her friends playing board games and freaking out over the backed up toilet in my parents bathroom (not a pretty site). At that time I had a dog, a pool, and a bedroom I could call my own at my parents house. I also had married parents. If you had asked me where I thought I might be in 10 years - I probably would have said I would be in Texas, probably a stay at home mom trying to raise young kids - preferibly girls so that I could enroll them in the Girl Scouts as soon as they came of age. My life would make sense. I so did not see this decade coming.
My younger self would scoff if today me came to her and said, "In 10 years, you will wake up in Northern Virginia to the sound of NPR. Your dad will be remarried and living in Mexico and your mom will be living on her own in North Carolina. You will have fallen in love one and a half times. A half because the first time may have just been you trying to find a center while your parents marriage dissolved. You won't be married, but you will feel like a widow after the one who were just beginning to dream you were going to marry drops dead of a stroke. You will discover that you are the one in your family who will have a lifelong struggle with depression."
Wow - dark stuff. But then - older me would have to list the good stuff.
"You will discover that you have a tremendous ability for making friends - some of them really good friends. You will have known your best friend for over 18 years. You will discover you rock at your job, but also that you do a good job of balancing your job with your life. You will become an awesome cook - and incredible cupcake baker. You will find out that your mom is your ideal travel partner - and that you love windjammers and summers in Maine. You will begin to figure out your sister and be friends with her because she is awesome and not just because she is the only person you know when you move. You will actually be glad that you don't have kids because you still have a lot of learning to do before you are ready to settle down - but that you still have the ability to influence little ones with all your friends kids. You are incredibly creative and you use that creativity in as many ways as possible. You will become comfortable with the fact that you need to cry sometimes because if you didn't you would explode. You will have been loved by someone who really loved the person you are - and you loved him and all his faults. And although it was cut short, it was real and beautiful - and that's not something everybody gets to experience. But most importantly, you will discover that you are a survivor."
That's a lot.
It makes me wonder where I will be in another 10 years. At this point - I have no vision of where I want to be. Will I have found love again? Will I finally be organized? Will I be able to actually buy clothes in 75% of the stores at the malls instead of just 2? It's tempting to dream about, but I've learned that its kinda best to leave things to fate.
Back 10 years ago - I was on my final winter vacation during college. My family had moved back to Texas after a two year stint in Fairfax, VA. My mom tried to make a love connection between me and one of her colleagues sons, but it had only resulted in an eerily silent staring match. And I spent New Years Eve with my sister and her friends playing board games and freaking out over the backed up toilet in my parents bathroom (not a pretty site). At that time I had a dog, a pool, and a bedroom I could call my own at my parents house. I also had married parents. If you had asked me where I thought I might be in 10 years - I probably would have said I would be in Texas, probably a stay at home mom trying to raise young kids - preferibly girls so that I could enroll them in the Girl Scouts as soon as they came of age. My life would make sense. I so did not see this decade coming.
My younger self would scoff if today me came to her and said, "In 10 years, you will wake up in Northern Virginia to the sound of NPR. Your dad will be remarried and living in Mexico and your mom will be living on her own in North Carolina. You will have fallen in love one and a half times. A half because the first time may have just been you trying to find a center while your parents marriage dissolved. You won't be married, but you will feel like a widow after the one who were just beginning to dream you were going to marry drops dead of a stroke. You will discover that you are the one in your family who will have a lifelong struggle with depression."
Wow - dark stuff. But then - older me would have to list the good stuff.
"You will discover that you have a tremendous ability for making friends - some of them really good friends. You will have known your best friend for over 18 years. You will discover you rock at your job, but also that you do a good job of balancing your job with your life. You will become an awesome cook - and incredible cupcake baker. You will find out that your mom is your ideal travel partner - and that you love windjammers and summers in Maine. You will begin to figure out your sister and be friends with her because she is awesome and not just because she is the only person you know when you move. You will actually be glad that you don't have kids because you still have a lot of learning to do before you are ready to settle down - but that you still have the ability to influence little ones with all your friends kids. You are incredibly creative and you use that creativity in as many ways as possible. You will become comfortable with the fact that you need to cry sometimes because if you didn't you would explode. You will have been loved by someone who really loved the person you are - and you loved him and all his faults. And although it was cut short, it was real and beautiful - and that's not something everybody gets to experience. But most importantly, you will discover that you are a survivor."
That's a lot.
It makes me wonder where I will be in another 10 years. At this point - I have no vision of where I want to be. Will I have found love again? Will I finally be organized? Will I be able to actually buy clothes in 75% of the stores at the malls instead of just 2? It's tempting to dream about, but I've learned that its kinda best to leave things to fate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)