I am horrified to know that today, a cable man will be coming through my messy apartment to set up Vios cable. Granted, I would probably be even more horrified if I had been the one to make the appointment request - but I wasn't. The people I rent from decided to switch cable providers - so if I want cable - I have to let the guy through.
But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today. It's really messy. It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny. Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again. I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).
I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv). During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc. Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling. What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on. After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do. If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner. Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.
While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows. If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.
So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit. The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do. It's a start. One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf. I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area. Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them. Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'. When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time. I haven't opened them since then. So they all got thrown in the garbage.
So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week. If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me. If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me. I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
A New Blog
I've been noticing that lately I've been using this blog to really write about processing grief and the steps I have been taking to try to improve my life. It feels very heavy, but it's been very helpful to me. But sometimes the heaviness prevents me from adding some of the lighter things in my life.
As you know, I have a love affair with food. I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me). Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club. It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies. While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.
One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting. I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.
For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners. We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays). Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same. In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.
Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures. Molly was game to it.
So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts. There's no need to change the title. In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends. And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture. So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.
As you know, I have a love affair with food. I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me). Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club. It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies. While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.
One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting. I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.
For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners. We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays). Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same. In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.
Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures. Molly was game to it.
So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts. There's no need to change the title. In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends. And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture. So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Perspective
This weekend I attended a memorial service at the grief center I used to attend. I found out about this service from my grief counselor - who encouraged me to go if I felt like it was time to say goodbye. Well, I'm not sure if I will ever be ready to completely say goodbye to Chris, but I had been thinking about him and moving on lately so it seemed appropriate. I'm very glad I went.
Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months. The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews. The way that they all died ran the gamut as well. Some deaths were sudden, others not. But those of us there were all missing these people.
I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months. Her pain was palpable. I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier. This made me realized how far I have come.
Three years ago - that was me. I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk. It felt weird laughing or smiling. It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends. I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have. It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.
Today - I still miss him. I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over. I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is. And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace. I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."
Don't get me wrong - I still have issues. But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.
Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months. The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews. The way that they all died ran the gamut as well. Some deaths were sudden, others not. But those of us there were all missing these people.
I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months. Her pain was palpable. I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier. This made me realized how far I have come.
Three years ago - that was me. I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk. It felt weird laughing or smiling. It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends. I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have. It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.
Today - I still miss him. I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over. I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is. And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace. I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."
Don't get me wrong - I still have issues. But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Holidays are Coming
The weather has been getting colder, the shops have already put up the Christmas decorations, and my mom has done her Christmas shopping (she likes to do it in October and earlier). The Holidays are funny for me. In general - I'm a big fan of the holidays. I love the lights, the food, the jolliness of it all. November through December - those were my months.
Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first. I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food. Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area. But I think this year it'll be just us. So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner. She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom. It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years.
Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore). That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me. My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school). My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up. Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time. When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold. It had been all last winter too. I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't. So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving). I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy. Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon). So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work. I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle. Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes. That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos. So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out. Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again. This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.
Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga. But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family. It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.
Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first. I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food. Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area. But I think this year it'll be just us. So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner. She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom. It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years.
Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore). That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me. My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school). My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up. Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time. When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold. It had been all last winter too. I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't. So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving). I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy. Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon). So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work. I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle. Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes. That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos. So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out. Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again. This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.
Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga. But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family. It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
First Date Back
A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy. It was going well, he was smart and nice. Younger than me. I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have. I went along with it though just to see what would happen.
We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet. I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2." I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies. I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.
Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought. "Oh, no, no, no. Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible". So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book). So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no. I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks).
I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died. This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with. I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.
Overall, I think the date went fine. Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to. Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later). Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit. It went well enough that he asked me to go out again. I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.
It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this". In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day. And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways. That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.
Then there was the guy factor. He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy. I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need. Unfrotunately not for me. At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.
I felt bad about it. It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.
But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me. I think it'll make things less pressured in the future. I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again. I can go at a pace that is good for me.
We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet. I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2." I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies. I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.
Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought. "Oh, no, no, no. Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible". So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book). So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no. I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks).
I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died. This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with. I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.
Overall, I think the date went fine. Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to. Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later). Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit. It went well enough that he asked me to go out again. I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.
It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this". In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day. And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways. That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.
Then there was the guy factor. He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy. I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need. Unfrotunately not for me. At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.
I felt bad about it. It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.
But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me. I think it'll make things less pressured in the future. I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again. I can go at a pace that is good for me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Finding a groove
At the beginning of this year, I lost my book club. While I haven't lost the good friends from that club, I really missed the routine of one Sunday a month getting together with these girls, talking about books, eating, and gossiping about all matters of things.
There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring. Book club was my only real social activity I had left. Not that I wasn't social. I get together with friends all the time. Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left. I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others. I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself. Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser.
So I found another one. This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time. It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.
My first meeting I was overwhelmed. It was a lot to take in. Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting. It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time. They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names. And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history. For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it.
Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there. I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree. I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there. Change is good.
P.S. If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.
There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring. Book club was my only real social activity I had left. Not that I wasn't social. I get together with friends all the time. Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left. I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others. I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself. Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser.
So I found another one. This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time. It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.
My first meeting I was overwhelmed. It was a lot to take in. Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting. It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time. They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names. And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history. For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it.
Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there. I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree. I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there. Change is good.
P.S. If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Slowing down
Lately I haven't felt like I have had much time to myself on the weekend.
This sounds rediculous considering that today I spent puttering around the grocery store and making cupcakes and yesterday I spent the day with friends at the baseball game.
But something is missing. My weekends blast past me and I don't feel very rested. I'm not sure if its the allergies, the not sleeping during the week (cause of the allergies), or I'm just not using my time well.
I don't even remember the last time I came out of a weekend where I've felt refreshed. Does anybody else feel like that? What do you do to recover?
This sounds rediculous considering that today I spent puttering around the grocery store and making cupcakes and yesterday I spent the day with friends at the baseball game.
But something is missing. My weekends blast past me and I don't feel very rested. I'm not sure if its the allergies, the not sleeping during the week (cause of the allergies), or I'm just not using my time well.
I don't even remember the last time I came out of a weekend where I've felt refreshed. Does anybody else feel like that? What do you do to recover?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Independence
No - this is not about dating.
Today I learned that my newest colleague has already decided to leave us. They are going back to their older agency for a position which will give him a better shot at supervisory authority. I understand his need to advance his career that way and wish him all the luck.
This does make me wonder about how my career is going.
Overall, I like my job. I'm not in love with it - but then, I don't think I love business life in general. I'm not really highly paid, but I don't really have the responsibilties that deserves the highest level of pay. I would say I'm paid fairly. And the truth is money isn't everything.
I like the people in my group - they are intelligent and interesting. They can sometimes drive me crazy - but I assume I do the same thing to them on occassion. I work in a relatively small group, and each of us have our own niches, although we do work together. But this means that we cooperate more as peers of one another instead of a series of subordinates. I particularly like this. I would say that daily we work very independently. And I like the mix of the analytical and creative stuff that I get to do.
But sometimes I worry that I'm not ambitious enough for my own good. Should I be wanting a job where I oversee people or make more money. Do I wish that I was featured more? I'm a background supporting player (an important background player, but in the background none the less). Do I need to be featured more.
I don't think so. I see my dad and all the clawing he did to get to the top and all he lost when it all crumbled and I just don't know if its worth it. It's just a job afterall. But it's not like I have a family with whom I'm sacrificing career advancement for. Does it make me lazy being this satisfied with what people may call a mediocre job? That's what worries me.
Today I learned that my newest colleague has already decided to leave us. They are going back to their older agency for a position which will give him a better shot at supervisory authority. I understand his need to advance his career that way and wish him all the luck.
This does make me wonder about how my career is going.
Overall, I like my job. I'm not in love with it - but then, I don't think I love business life in general. I'm not really highly paid, but I don't really have the responsibilties that deserves the highest level of pay. I would say I'm paid fairly. And the truth is money isn't everything.
I like the people in my group - they are intelligent and interesting. They can sometimes drive me crazy - but I assume I do the same thing to them on occassion. I work in a relatively small group, and each of us have our own niches, although we do work together. But this means that we cooperate more as peers of one another instead of a series of subordinates. I particularly like this. I would say that daily we work very independently. And I like the mix of the analytical and creative stuff that I get to do.
But sometimes I worry that I'm not ambitious enough for my own good. Should I be wanting a job where I oversee people or make more money. Do I wish that I was featured more? I'm a background supporting player (an important background player, but in the background none the less). Do I need to be featured more.
I don't think so. I see my dad and all the clawing he did to get to the top and all he lost when it all crumbled and I just don't know if its worth it. It's just a job afterall. But it's not like I have a family with whom I'm sacrificing career advancement for. Does it make me lazy being this satisfied with what people may call a mediocre job? That's what worries me.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What is it going to feel like?
Yesterday a thought popped into my head. What is love going to be like after Chris?
This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?". At least I think it is.
Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to. He was the second. The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end. It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike. My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important). Everything around me was collapsing. 9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married. I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto. Enter Evil Mike. I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.
Chris was different. Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning. But it became very clear that this was different. It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term. These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will.
I can't imagine love will ever be the same. Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame. Will I find another roaring flame? Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different.
This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?". At least I think it is.
Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to. He was the second. The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end. It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike. My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important). Everything around me was collapsing. 9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married. I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto. Enter Evil Mike. I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.
Chris was different. Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning. But it became very clear that this was different. It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term. These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will.
I can't imagine love will ever be the same. Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame. Will I find another roaring flame? Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Freaking Out
So short backstory - I met Chris on eHarmony. The end.
As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again. I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity. And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do. But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.
It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out. I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site. The benefit of that site though is the staged communication. You're not just messaging guys right away. Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything.
I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys. And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off. A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously. Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."
I began freaking.
Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I am ready for this. And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris. And how that was so easy. I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails. And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history. And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again. And that is scary in and of itself.
So I ate half a pie. I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).
I am still trying to calm down. It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.
Things are different, I am different. I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness. I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people. And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar.
The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket. Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same. And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.
As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again. I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity. And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do. But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.
It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out. I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site. The benefit of that site though is the staged communication. You're not just messaging guys right away. Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything.
I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys. And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off. A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously. Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."
I began freaking.
Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I am ready for this. And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris. And how that was so easy. I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails. And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history. And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again. And that is scary in and of itself.
So I ate half a pie. I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).
I am still trying to calm down. It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.
Things are different, I am different. I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness. I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people. And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar.
The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket. Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same. And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.
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