First Date Back

A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy.  It was going well, he was smart and nice.  Younger than me.  I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have.  I went along with it though just to see what would happen.

We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet.  I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2."  I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies.  I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed.  Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. 

Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought.  "Oh, no, no, no.  Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible".  So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book).   So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no.  I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks). 

I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died.  This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with.  I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.

Overall, I think the date went fine.   Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to.  Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later).  Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit.  It went well enough that he asked me to go out again.  I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.

It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this".  In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day.  And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways.  That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.   

Then there was the guy factor.  He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy.  I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need.  Unfrotunately not for me.  At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.

I felt bad about it.  It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.

But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me.  I think it'll make things less pressured in the future.  I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again.  I can go at a pace that is good for me.

Finding a groove

At the beginning of this year, I lost my book club.  While I haven't lost the good friends from that club, I really missed the routine of one Sunday a month getting together with these girls, talking about books, eating, and gossiping about all matters of things.

There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring.  Book club was my only real social activity I had left.  Not that I wasn't social.  I get together with friends all the time.  Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left.  I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others.  I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself.  Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser. 

So I found another one.  This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time.  It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.  

My first meeting I was overwhelmed.  It was a lot to take in.  Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting.  It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time.  They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names.  And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history.  For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it. 

Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there.  I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree.  I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a  part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there.  Change is good.

P.S.  If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.

Slowing down

Lately I haven't felt like I have had much time to myself on the weekend.

This sounds rediculous considering that today I spent puttering around the grocery store and making cupcakes and yesterday I spent the day with friends at the baseball game.

But something is missing.  My weekends blast past me and I don't feel very rested.  I'm not sure if its the allergies, the not sleeping during the week (cause of the allergies), or I'm just not using my time well. 

I don't even remember the last time I came out of a weekend where I've felt refreshed.  Does anybody else feel like that?  What do you do to recover?

Independence

No - this is not about dating.

Today I learned that my newest colleague has already decided to leave us.  They are going back to their older agency for a position which will give him a better shot at supervisory authority.  I understand his need to advance his career that way and wish him all the luck.

This does make me wonder about how my career is going.

Overall, I like my job.  I'm not in love with it - but then, I don't think I love business life in general.  I'm not really highly paid, but I don't really have the responsibilties that deserves the highest level of pay.  I would say I'm paid fairly.  And the truth is money isn't everything.

I like the people in my group - they are intelligent and interesting.  They can sometimes drive me crazy - but I assume I do the same thing to them on occassion.  I work in a relatively small group, and each of us have our own niches, although we do work together.  But this means that we cooperate more as peers of one another instead of a series of subordinates.  I particularly like this.  I would say that daily we work very independently.  And I like the mix of the analytical and creative stuff that I get to do.

But sometimes I worry that I'm not ambitious enough for my own good.  Should I be wanting a job where I oversee people or make more money.  Do I wish that I was featured more? I'm a background supporting player (an important background player, but in the background none the less).  Do I need to be featured more.

I don't think so.  I see my dad and all the clawing he did to get to the top and all he lost when it all crumbled and I just don't know if its worth it.  It's just a job afterall.  But it's not like I have a family with whom I'm sacrificing career advancement for.  Does it make me lazy being this satisfied with what people may call a mediocre job?  That's what worries me.

What is it going to feel like?

Yesterday a thought popped into my head.  What is love going to be like after Chris?

This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?".  At least I think it is.

Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to.  He was the second.  The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end.  It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike.  My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important).  Everything around me was collapsing.  9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married.  I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto.  Enter Evil Mike.  I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.

Chris was different.  Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning.  But it became very clear that this was different.  It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term.  These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will. 

I can't imagine love will ever be the same.  Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame.  Will I find another roaring flame?  Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different. 

Freaking Out

So short backstory - I met Chris on eHarmony. The end.

As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again.  I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity.  And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do.  But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.

It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out.  I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site.  The benefit of that site though is the staged communication.  You're not just messaging guys right away.  Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything. 

I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys.  And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off.  A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously.  Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."

I began freaking. 

Because I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know if I am ready for this.  And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris.  And how that was so easy.  I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails.  And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history.  And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again.  And that is scary in and of itself.

So I ate half a pie.  I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).

I am still trying to calm down.  It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.

Things are different, I am different.  I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness.  I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people.  And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar. 

The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket.  Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same.  And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.

I just burned off a 4 oz. piece of fried chicken

At least that is what Wii Fit Plus tells me.

I have had Wii Fit Plus for a couple of months, but haven't really used it.  I actually haven't used my Wii much in the last couple of months, but with my renewed motivation in losing weight, I've been wanting to be active.  On Saturday I took a 3 mile walk in the morning, but on Saturday the temp was only 80 degrees.  On Sunday, the heat came back and so did the Code Yellow/Orange climate conditions.  Yuck!  My asthma just can't handle that.

So I've dusted off my balance board and I am trying out the Wii Fit Plus.

Let me tell you - it officially rocks.  It has everything in the old Wii Fit, but it's really made it even more useful. 
1) It has added a lot more activities, in both the strength training and yoga areas as well as adding a new category called Training Plus.  Training Plus is basically a bunch of new games - and so far all of them have been hard.
2) They now have themed workouts.  These workouts are a group of 3 activities that target specific goals - like the tummy, arms, relaxing, overindulging, etc.  They are about 8 minutes long total, but it reduces the amount of time you spend trying to go from one activity to another.
3) You can combine activities into custom routines.  Once again, this cuts out all that time you spent switching from one activity to another (which face it - was a lot of time).  You can do this eithe rby selecting individual activities or by combining routines.  Fun!
4) It now estimates the number of calories burned.  So instead of just measuring minutes, you can measure the amount of calories burned.  This means if you have a specific burn target, you will know if you have reached it or not.  After you finish - they have this tool that will tell you what kind of food equivalent of what you burned - hence me burning off a piece of fried chicken. 

These enhancements have definitely improved the game.  And while I don't think the workout I get is similar in intensity to what I get from the EA Active - it's still a good workout when you are stuck inside.  So if you have a Wii and and a balance board - I recommend getting Wii Fit Plus.

Sweet Tooth

One of the things that I have learned over the past 3 years trying to lose weight is that I have a Sweet Tooth.  While there are many foods I love that aren't really great for me (cheese, butter, pasta, etc.) I would have to say I love nothing more than sugary/sweet things.  Seriously, my Sweet Tooth is so strong that it deserves her own name - oh what the hell - let's call her Dulci.

Dulci really loves cupcakes, ice cream, and chocolate.  When she doesn't get anything sweet - she bugs me all night and I can't sleep.  If you look at the weight change tracker on the side - you can see I fell off the wagon big time.  That happened in a large part because Dulci persuaded me that eating ice cream and gelato every day was the right thing to do. 

So I need to reign Dulci in.  It's not realistic of me to think that I can let Dulci go cold-turkey without dessert.  I think that is just asking for trouble.  So I have decided to go with something like a "You break it, You buy it" policy.  It's called, "You Crave It, You Make It"

From now one, if I want something sweet or desserty - I will have to make it.  This will require thinking ahead of time because I will need to make sure I have what I need on hand in order to make it - ingredients and tools.  It also means that I have to work to actually get my sweets made.  Let me tell you - making cupcakes are not easy.  I think in a past post I referred to a fat footprint - similar to a green footprint (for all the environmentalist).  Making my own desserts decreases the fat footprint on my body (although its probably more of a symbolic than actual reduction).  I'm also going to embrace my inner Sesame Street and insist on sharing my dessert bounty with the people around me.  When making sweet things - I will bring things in for my office mates, my sister, my friends.  That's not only satisfying Dulci, but it's increasing my karma.

In order to do this - I am actually ordering myself a ice cream maker attachment for my Kitchen Aid stand mixer.  I know - kind of counter intuitive, but I'm really excited about this.  I am dying to learn how to make ice cream, gelato, sorbet, and granitas.  There's something about making your own food that just makes it taste better, and you want that taste to last - so I've also found out that I tend to spread out the consumption of said food.  For example, I made awesome cupcakes for a co-worker the week before last.  I still have something like 6 in my fridge- and they are still good.  But I'm not eating them everyday - and that's progress.

Living life with Dulci can be hard, but I think that I am going to manage.

Eat, Pray, Love

Next weekend I will be going to see "Eat, Pray, Love" at the theater.  I first read the book 5 or 6 years ago for my book club.  At that time, I was struggling with the fact that my dad, who was born and raised Catholic and then accepted Lutheranism when he married my mom, had become a Buddhist.  As you can guess from the title, the book deals with spirituality, and I felt when reading it that I was beginning to understand why my dad needed to choose this new spiritual path.  I remember him visiting me and I actually recommended him reading it because I thought that he might see that I was trying to understand him better.  I don't know if he actually read it though.

With the movie coming out though, I decided to revisit the book, and I'm very glad I did.  This time I listened to the audiobook version, which is read by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert.  There's a certain luxury to having the author read the story to you.  They have the inside scoop on what feelings and thoughts the story is trying to tell and at what time and they are able to pull that into the reading.  It's more textured.  If I was talking in math terms, it's like going from two axis to three.

Listening to the book this time, I realized that the story wasn't just about pursuing spirituality.  It is the story of grief and how loss can force you to look inward and learn more about yourself.  It's the story about deciding to fight against depression and winning, as well as accepting that in order to love the world you need to learn to love yourself.  It's about learning how to let go of the things that hold you down from progress.  Spirituality is an element of the story, but I would say that it's more of a means of moving the story than a full out theme.  While the backstory of Elizabeth Gilbert felt darker, I think her climb out of that darkness felt much brighter.

Now I know that I'm not going to be able to do exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert did to make myself better.  While I would love to spend 4 months in Italy eating, I can't really picture myself moving there, and then to India, and then to Bali.  I need to find my own path - and I think that is what I have been doing for the last year or so.  But she does highlight some really useful tools that I think anybody can use.  My favorite - writing a petition to God about what you need, and then in your heart make a list about who will sign it.  It's remarkable what a big pep squad you have supporting you to be better when you just think about it.

I do recommend this book to people, expecially to people who may feel like they are lost in the dark.  It leaves you thinking, and it leaves you with hope.  But don't be surprised if the book is nothing like the movie - just enjoy the both of them for what they are.

The Hardest Thing to Say

I heartily disagree with Elton John, "Sorry" isn't the hardest thing to say.  Instead, I think its "I'm Awesome". 

I have no problem saying "I'm sorry".  At socceer practice, when I was younger.  I used to say "Sorry" every time I missed a ball when I was practicing with one of the goalies from the guy's team.  He finally stopped throwing the ball at me and said, "Emily, stop saying you're sorry to the ball.  It doesn't care."  Seriously - I could say I'm sorry like 25 times a minute if I had to.

But I have a hard time believing good things about myself.  Today at work, I'm working on a forecast.  I've created the model by myself and it's basically based on common sense.  Last year was the first we used this model and apparently, we came really close to our target.  When my co-worker told me that, I let my mouth hang open and just incrediously said, "Seriously?".  I couldn't believe it because internally I'm thinking that my model is just a bunch of spaghetti that I've thrown against the wall and amazingly some of it is sticking.  Instead of being all "OMG - why is it sticking?", shouldn't I be saying, "Why shouldn't it stick". 

I need to start reframing my thoughts though.  I need to start focusing on my strengths and what I am good at.  And I have a bunch - I'm good at recognizing patterns, I communicate well with kids, I'm a kickass cook and baker, I have fantastic rhythm, and my smile is "intoxicating" as one person recently wrote to me.

I need to start being my own Captain Awesome (although I really do love the original Captain Awesome).