Dear God,
I know that you have some sort of grand plan for everything, and I know that you love us and sometimes it is tough love, but I'm asking you very nicely to quit picking on the mom's to be in my life right now (I know quite a few). You have not been very kind to them this week and I don't really understand why. It's just not right. If you need to test someone - let it be someone like me - who doesn't really have anyone else depending on them. You know I can take it.
Sometimes you really baffle me.
Emily
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A Life Well Read
I've been off the blog for a little bit because my main computer kinda died in December and I am currently having a friend look at it. Until then, I have borrowed an old lap top of another friend. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a desktop kind of girl. So I've been reluctant to blog off of the laptop because I usually have a hard time typing, but after about a month and a half, I think I have finally gotten the hang of it.
So a couple weeks ago I was talking with my mom about the book I was reading for my second book club, The Help by Kathryn Stockett. While I was telling my mom about the book she kind of stopped me and told me that she wasn't interested. When I asked her why she said, "I once read an article that said that a well-read person reads about 5,000 books in my life. The older I get, the more I realized that I won't have that many more books to read in my life. I want to make every book count - so I'm picky about books I want to read and that one doesn't seem like one I would want to read."
That really made me think about how much I read. In order to read 5,000 books by the time I turn 50, I would have to read about 100 books a year every year. I can tell you that I definitely don't read that many books a year. So this year I am trying to read more books.
My first effort to do that is I entered the What's In A Name 4 Book Challenge:
I've also challenged myself on Goodreads to read 28 books this year.
So a couple weeks ago I was talking with my mom about the book I was reading for my second book club, The Help by Kathryn Stockett. While I was telling my mom about the book she kind of stopped me and told me that she wasn't interested. When I asked her why she said, "I once read an article that said that a well-read person reads about 5,000 books in my life. The older I get, the more I realized that I won't have that many more books to read in my life. I want to make every book count - so I'm picky about books I want to read and that one doesn't seem like one I would want to read."
That really made me think about how much I read. In order to read 5,000 books by the time I turn 50, I would have to read about 100 books a year every year. I can tell you that I definitely don't read that many books a year. So this year I am trying to read more books.
My first effort to do that is I entered the What's In A Name 4 Book Challenge:
This is my first book challenge, so I think it's good that its a small one. The way it works is that during the year, I must read one book in each of the following categories:
- A book with a number in the title
- A book with jewelry or a gem in the title
- A book with a size in the title
- A book with travel or movement in the title
- A book with evil in the title
- A book with a life stage in the title
I've also challenged myself on Goodreads to read 28 books this year.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
One more Christmas Tree Item
This evening I was on the phone talking to Chris' mom (I'll call her B). We have become close friends since Chris died. Anyways - I mentioned to her that I had gotten a tree this year, and one thing led to another and we started to talk about the tree Chris and I got.
At the time that Chris died, if you asked me if there was one thing I really wanted - it was that tree. It was such a symbol of his love for me. But when we were packing things up, Brenda said that she wanted it. I thought about protesting, but my mom suggested that 1) Chris having a tree was also important to his mom and so it meant a lot to her also 2) I had no room for a tree 3) it would be kind of petty to argue over a tree. So I gave in and let them keep the tree. But I would be lying if I say I never had regrets over that decision.
So while we were on the phone tonight, B says to me, "You know, we should have left that tree with you." I laughed a little and told her that at the time I really wanted it, but I knew she wanted it too. I asked B if she and Chris' dad was going to put up the tree and she said she had thought about it. She paused her, and I held in my breath because I was dreading that she was going to say that she was going to give it away to goodwill or something, but instead she said that she was thinking of giving it to Chris' sister.
I think Chris would like that because it won't just be his sister enjoying it, but also his new nephew. That tree deserves to be around the love and innocence that a child brings to the holidays. I hope that they do get the tree and that they can enjoy it for years to come.
At the time that Chris died, if you asked me if there was one thing I really wanted - it was that tree. It was such a symbol of his love for me. But when we were packing things up, Brenda said that she wanted it. I thought about protesting, but my mom suggested that 1) Chris having a tree was also important to his mom and so it meant a lot to her also 2) I had no room for a tree 3) it would be kind of petty to argue over a tree. So I gave in and let them keep the tree. But I would be lying if I say I never had regrets over that decision.
So while we were on the phone tonight, B says to me, "You know, we should have left that tree with you." I laughed a little and told her that at the time I really wanted it, but I knew she wanted it too. I asked B if she and Chris' dad was going to put up the tree and she said she had thought about it. She paused her, and I held in my breath because I was dreading that she was going to say that she was going to give it away to goodwill or something, but instead she said that she was thinking of giving it to Chris' sister.
I think Chris would like that because it won't just be his sister enjoying it, but also his new nephew. That tree deserves to be around the love and innocence that a child brings to the holidays. I hope that they do get the tree and that they can enjoy it for years to come.
Charlie Brown Christmas Tree
I thought I had posted about this last year, but apparently not, so I thought I would share the story.
I think its a given to say that my mom cannot carry a Christmas tree by herself. I don't know how many people could (other than the guys at the Christmas tree lot). My mom also believes that real trees are better than fake trees. We had a fake tree years and years ago, but it lost all its needles after a few years. So every year when my sister and I go down for the holidays, we go and pick up a tree for my mom.
Last year my mom came to visit us at Thanksgiving, and then my sister and I didn't head down to my mom's house until Dec. 23rd for Christmas; this meant that my mom couldn't get a tree until the day before Christmas Eve. So shortly after my sister and I got home, my mom herded us back into her van and we headed to a normal tree lot. Now my mom had driven by the tree lot the day earlier and had told me on the phone the previous night (not even 24 hours earlier) that there were still plenty of trees and she thought we still had a chance to get a good one. You can just imagine our surprise when we drove up to where the lot usually is and there was no evidence of it being there. Seriously, there was nothing there. Not even a straggler tree branch. I had a confused puppy look on my face while I said, "I thought you said they were here?"
My mom replied that there was another tree lot near her school, so traipsed back into the van and scooted out that way. When we got to that lot, we at least managed to find people there. They were loading the tree packing equipment onto a van, and there were once again no trees. We apparently weren't the only confused people, because we saw a couple of other cars pull out and people get out and give the confused puppy look.
We did try to find another tree lot my mom knew about, but all we found were cars parked by last minute shoppers there. Apparently in NC, many tree lots are staffed by the people who work at the tree farms; so in order for them to be able to spend Christmas with their families, they close their lots down on the 23rd.
So last year we suddenly found ourselves as a family without a tree. While I guess we could have gone into target and gotten a fake tree, that just didn't appeal to us. We sat in the van for a few minutes when my sister said, "I think at Borders they sell tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree kits." We laughed until my mom suddenly sat up straight in her seat, "I have a baby tree in my front yard that kind of looks like that. I'm going to have to chop it down anyway before it gets too big and destroys the foundation of my house." So it was decided that we would have Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
We went to the fabric store and bought a remnant piece of blue felt the same color of Linus' blanket and bought a big red ball (my mom has one in her ornament collection, but since we weren't going to be using any other ornaments, we didn't want to dig it out). We stood the tree up using an unused paper coffee cup with a slit cut in its base.
Need less to say, this was a memorable tree. Actually, I doubt I will ever be able to forget the year we had the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It was truly an awesome tree, and I have to say it made me smile at the holidays more than I had in a while. While part of me would love to recreate it, the spirit behind it wouldn't be the same. Instead, this year, my mom, sister, and I made sure to get to the tree lots two days after Thanksgiving and got our tree. But I also got my own small tree for my apartment to put up this year. I think the big red ball will go up on that tree to remind me of our Charlie Brown Christmas.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Messy State of Mind
I am horrified to know that today, a cable man will be coming through my messy apartment to set up Vios cable. Granted, I would probably be even more horrified if I had been the one to make the appointment request - but I wasn't. The people I rent from decided to switch cable providers - so if I want cable - I have to let the guy through.
But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today. It's really messy. It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny. Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again. I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).
I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv). During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc. Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling. What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on. After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do. If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner. Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.
While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows. If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.
So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit. The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do. It's a start. One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf. I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area. Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them. Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'. When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time. I haven't opened them since then. So they all got thrown in the garbage.
So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week. If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me. If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me. I'll let you know how it goes.
But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today. It's really messy. It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny. Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again. I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).
I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv). During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc. Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling. What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on. After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do. If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner. Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.
While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows. If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.
So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit. The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do. It's a start. One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf. I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area. Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them. Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'. When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time. I haven't opened them since then. So they all got thrown in the garbage.
So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week. If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me. If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me. I'll let you know how it goes.
Friday, November 12, 2010
A New Blog
I've been noticing that lately I've been using this blog to really write about processing grief and the steps I have been taking to try to improve my life. It feels very heavy, but it's been very helpful to me. But sometimes the heaviness prevents me from adding some of the lighter things in my life.
As you know, I have a love affair with food. I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me). Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club. It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies. While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.
One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting. I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.
For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners. We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays). Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same. In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.
Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures. Molly was game to it.
So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts. There's no need to change the title. In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends. And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture. So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.
As you know, I have a love affair with food. I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me). Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club. It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies. While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.
One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting. I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.
For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners. We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays). Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same. In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.
Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures. Molly was game to it.
So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts. There's no need to change the title. In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends. And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture. So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Perspective
This weekend I attended a memorial service at the grief center I used to attend. I found out about this service from my grief counselor - who encouraged me to go if I felt like it was time to say goodbye. Well, I'm not sure if I will ever be ready to completely say goodbye to Chris, but I had been thinking about him and moving on lately so it seemed appropriate. I'm very glad I went.
Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months. The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews. The way that they all died ran the gamut as well. Some deaths were sudden, others not. But those of us there were all missing these people.
I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months. Her pain was palpable. I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier. This made me realized how far I have come.
Three years ago - that was me. I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk. It felt weird laughing or smiling. It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends. I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have. It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.
Today - I still miss him. I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over. I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is. And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace. I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."
Don't get me wrong - I still have issues. But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.
Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months. The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews. The way that they all died ran the gamut as well. Some deaths were sudden, others not. But those of us there were all missing these people.
I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months. Her pain was palpable. I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier. This made me realized how far I have come.
Three years ago - that was me. I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk. It felt weird laughing or smiling. It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends. I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have. It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.
Today - I still miss him. I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over. I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is. And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace. I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."
Don't get me wrong - I still have issues. But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Holidays are Coming
The weather has been getting colder, the shops have already put up the Christmas decorations, and my mom has done her Christmas shopping (she likes to do it in October and earlier). The Holidays are funny for me. In general - I'm a big fan of the holidays. I love the lights, the food, the jolliness of it all. November through December - those were my months.
Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first. I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food. Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area. But I think this year it'll be just us. So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner. She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom. It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years.
Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore). That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me. My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school). My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up. Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time. When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold. It had been all last winter too. I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't. So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving). I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy. Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon). So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work. I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle. Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes. That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos. So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out. Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again. This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.
Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga. But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family. It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.
Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first. I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food. Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area. But I think this year it'll be just us. So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner. She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom. It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years.
Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore). That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me. My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school). My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up. Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time. When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold. It had been all last winter too. I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't. So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving). I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy. Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon). So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work. I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle. Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes. That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos. So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out. Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again. This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.
Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga. But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family. It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
First Date Back
A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy. It was going well, he was smart and nice. Younger than me. I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have. I went along with it though just to see what would happen.
We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet. I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2." I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies. I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.
Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought. "Oh, no, no, no. Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible". So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book). So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no. I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks).
I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died. This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with. I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.
Overall, I think the date went fine. Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to. Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later). Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit. It went well enough that he asked me to go out again. I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.
It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this". In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day. And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways. That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.
Then there was the guy factor. He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy. I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need. Unfrotunately not for me. At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.
I felt bad about it. It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.
But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me. I think it'll make things less pressured in the future. I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again. I can go at a pace that is good for me.
We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet. I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2." I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies. I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.
Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought. "Oh, no, no, no. Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible". So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book). So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no. I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks).
I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died. This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with. I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.
Overall, I think the date went fine. Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to. Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later). Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit. It went well enough that he asked me to go out again. I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.
It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this". In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day. And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways. That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.
Then there was the guy factor. He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy. I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need. Unfrotunately not for me. At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.
I felt bad about it. It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.
But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me. I think it'll make things less pressured in the future. I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again. I can go at a pace that is good for me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Finding a groove
At the beginning of this year, I lost my book club. While I haven't lost the good friends from that club, I really missed the routine of one Sunday a month getting together with these girls, talking about books, eating, and gossiping about all matters of things.
There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring. Book club was my only real social activity I had left. Not that I wasn't social. I get together with friends all the time. Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left. I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others. I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself. Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser.
So I found another one. This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time. It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.
My first meeting I was overwhelmed. It was a lot to take in. Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting. It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time. They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names. And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history. For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it.
Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there. I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree. I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there. Change is good.
P.S. If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.
There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring. Book club was my only real social activity I had left. Not that I wasn't social. I get together with friends all the time. Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left. I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others. I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself. Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser.
So I found another one. This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time. It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.
My first meeting I was overwhelmed. It was a lot to take in. Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting. It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time. They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names. And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history. For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it.
Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there. I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree. I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there. Change is good.
P.S. If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)