So for the last 6 months - I've managed to put back on all the weight I lost last year + a few more pounds. It's been very discouraging. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I'm not happy being this big. Makes it hard to do stuff and I hate the way my knees creak. Plus I get heartburn. It's awful. Then I have to ask myself why am I doing this to me. Why did I abruptly stop traveling the great path I was on and come back to such an awful lonely place. Here are my conclusions:
1) I started all this right after Chris died, when my whole world was upside down. My home life was obviously different, I was struggling to hold onto my emotions at work which made things difficult there. I was not in a good place and I needed something to control. So I started my get fit effort figuring it would make things better and help me avoid having to take anti-depressants that I dreaded. As my grief morphed into something more maneagable - I began to let go of that need to control this one aspect of my life and started getting sloppy regarding it.
2) This is really dark and I don't want to alarm anyone. I think subconsciously I want to fail at getting healthy. If I stay this way - the liklihood that I end up like Chris gets higher and in a very macabre way I think this is the only way we can be back together. It's a very passive agressive way of hurting yourself - with sugar. And it also SCARES THE CRAP out of me to think that I've been doing this. But the thought has crossed my mind.
3) I've had a lot of pressure lately from both myself and others around me about dating again. It sucks being lonely and I think everybody knows that. At the same time, I am not ready to start that whole process of putting myself and my emotions out there and hoping not to get hurt again. The fatter I get, the less likely anyone will want to date me. It's like a modern day chastity belt. The extra weight I have on me probably weighs as much as those metal torture devices fathers used to put on their daughters during the middle ages.
4) I have to word this one really carefully because I don't want to put the blame on other people. I started out doing this with a couple of friends who came with me to Weight Watchers and who I worked out with. As time wore on - their lives moved on to other things and suddenly I found myself alone doing this. And I don't know if I was ready to be accountable to myself.
5) To top things off, my Weight Watcher's decided to get rid of my meeting time with my leader and I suddenly found myself abandoned by one of the few things that had been my constant since Chris died. It devastated me and so I began emotionally eating EVERYTHING that wasn't nailed down. It was bad.
Anyways - I am finally finding myself at a place where I am ready to start doing something about this. For example, this last week I joined a gym. It's a gym that a couple of my friends go to - this means that we can socialize by taking classes together, or meet on a Saturday morning to work out together. I also decided that I am not giving up on Weight Watchers. In order to stay with my leader who I adore, I have to use my flexible schedule and overwork everyday so that on Wednesdays I can leave early to make it to the earlier meeting time.
The final thing I am doing, I need help with. And that's where all my friends and other people come in. I found this thing online that turns the whole getting fit process into a game. It's actually literally called the Game On diet. It's not really a diet though, it's more like a healthy habits challenge. And the best part is that its a team game. So I am looking for people who are interested in playing. If you are interested in how the game is played - go to the Game On! Diet. I think it'll be fun. I'll write more about it in another post.