Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Why being a gidow sucks

When Chris died one of my friends said to me, "You are actually pretty lucky. Since you guys were only dating and not living with each other, it's not like you have to find a new place to live or find a new job or something."

And yes, I did not have to deal with trying to find a new apartment, or with settling out his accounts, or like a bazillion other technical things. His parents got left with that.

What I did lose was my sense of a future. I had begun in my mind building the future that we were going to have. It was a very quiet thing that I didn't really share with anybody, not even him. But when he died - that all went away. It can never happen. And it makes it hard to just look in the future in general because you know how easy it is that it can be taken away and so you just stop dreaming.

Like when I have to put my long term goals down at work. It's pretty much - don't get fired. Other than that - it really doesn't matter.

At least with kids - I would have to hold on to the fact that they would have a future.

So this is why being a gidow sucks.

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