So short backstory - I met Chris on eHarmony. The end.
As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again. I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity. And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do. But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.
It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out. I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site. The benefit of that site though is the staged communication. You're not just messaging guys right away. Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything.
I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys. And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off. A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously. Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."
I began freaking.
Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I am ready for this. And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris. And how that was so easy. I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails. And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history. And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again. And that is scary in and of itself.
So I ate half a pie. I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).
I am still trying to calm down. It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.
Things are different, I am different. I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness. I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people. And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar.
The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket. Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same. And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
I just burned off a 4 oz. piece of fried chicken
At least that is what Wii Fit Plus tells me.
I have had Wii Fit Plus for a couple of months, but haven't really used it. I actually haven't used my Wii much in the last couple of months, but with my renewed motivation in losing weight, I've been wanting to be active. On Saturday I took a 3 mile walk in the morning, but on Saturday the temp was only 80 degrees. On Sunday, the heat came back and so did the Code Yellow/Orange climate conditions. Yuck! My asthma just can't handle that.
So I've dusted off my balance board and I am trying out the Wii Fit Plus.
Let me tell you - it officially rocks. It has everything in the old Wii Fit, but it's really made it even more useful.
1) It has added a lot more activities, in both the strength training and yoga areas as well as adding a new category called Training Plus. Training Plus is basically a bunch of new games - and so far all of them have been hard.
2) They now have themed workouts. These workouts are a group of 3 activities that target specific goals - like the tummy, arms, relaxing, overindulging, etc. They are about 8 minutes long total, but it reduces the amount of time you spend trying to go from one activity to another.
3) You can combine activities into custom routines. Once again, this cuts out all that time you spent switching from one activity to another (which face it - was a lot of time). You can do this eithe rby selecting individual activities or by combining routines. Fun!
4) It now estimates the number of calories burned. So instead of just measuring minutes, you can measure the amount of calories burned. This means if you have a specific burn target, you will know if you have reached it or not. After you finish - they have this tool that will tell you what kind of food equivalent of what you burned - hence me burning off a piece of fried chicken.
These enhancements have definitely improved the game. And while I don't think the workout I get is similar in intensity to what I get from the EA Active - it's still a good workout when you are stuck inside. So if you have a Wii and and a balance board - I recommend getting Wii Fit Plus.
I have had Wii Fit Plus for a couple of months, but haven't really used it. I actually haven't used my Wii much in the last couple of months, but with my renewed motivation in losing weight, I've been wanting to be active. On Saturday I took a 3 mile walk in the morning, but on Saturday the temp was only 80 degrees. On Sunday, the heat came back and so did the Code Yellow/Orange climate conditions. Yuck! My asthma just can't handle that.
So I've dusted off my balance board and I am trying out the Wii Fit Plus.
Let me tell you - it officially rocks. It has everything in the old Wii Fit, but it's really made it even more useful.
1) It has added a lot more activities, in both the strength training and yoga areas as well as adding a new category called Training Plus. Training Plus is basically a bunch of new games - and so far all of them have been hard.
2) They now have themed workouts. These workouts are a group of 3 activities that target specific goals - like the tummy, arms, relaxing, overindulging, etc. They are about 8 minutes long total, but it reduces the amount of time you spend trying to go from one activity to another.
3) You can combine activities into custom routines. Once again, this cuts out all that time you spent switching from one activity to another (which face it - was a lot of time). You can do this eithe rby selecting individual activities or by combining routines. Fun!
4) It now estimates the number of calories burned. So instead of just measuring minutes, you can measure the amount of calories burned. This means if you have a specific burn target, you will know if you have reached it or not. After you finish - they have this tool that will tell you what kind of food equivalent of what you burned - hence me burning off a piece of fried chicken.
These enhancements have definitely improved the game. And while I don't think the workout I get is similar in intensity to what I get from the EA Active - it's still a good workout when you are stuck inside. So if you have a Wii and and a balance board - I recommend getting Wii Fit Plus.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Sweet Tooth
One of the things that I have learned over the past 3 years trying to lose weight is that I have a Sweet Tooth. While there are many foods I love that aren't really great for me (cheese, butter, pasta, etc.) I would have to say I love nothing more than sugary/sweet things. Seriously, my Sweet Tooth is so strong that it deserves her own name - oh what the hell - let's call her Dulci.
Dulci really loves cupcakes, ice cream, and chocolate. When she doesn't get anything sweet - she bugs me all night and I can't sleep. If you look at the weight change tracker on the side - you can see I fell off the wagon big time. That happened in a large part because Dulci persuaded me that eating ice cream and gelato every day was the right thing to do.
So I need to reign Dulci in. It's not realistic of me to think that I can let Dulci go cold-turkey without dessert. I think that is just asking for trouble. So I have decided to go with something like a "You break it, You buy it" policy. It's called, "You Crave It, You Make It"
From now one, if I want something sweet or desserty - I will have to make it. This will require thinking ahead of time because I will need to make sure I have what I need on hand in order to make it - ingredients and tools. It also means that I have to work to actually get my sweets made. Let me tell you - making cupcakes are not easy. I think in a past post I referred to a fat footprint - similar to a green footprint (for all the environmentalist). Making my own desserts decreases the fat footprint on my body (although its probably more of a symbolic than actual reduction). I'm also going to embrace my inner Sesame Street and insist on sharing my dessert bounty with the people around me. When making sweet things - I will bring things in for my office mates, my sister, my friends. That's not only satisfying Dulci, but it's increasing my karma.
In order to do this - I am actually ordering myself a ice cream maker attachment for my Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I know - kind of counter intuitive, but I'm really excited about this. I am dying to learn how to make ice cream, gelato, sorbet, and granitas. There's something about making your own food that just makes it taste better, and you want that taste to last - so I've also found out that I tend to spread out the consumption of said food. For example, I made awesome cupcakes for a co-worker the week before last. I still have something like 6 in my fridge- and they are still good. But I'm not eating them everyday - and that's progress.
Living life with Dulci can be hard, but I think that I am going to manage.
Dulci really loves cupcakes, ice cream, and chocolate. When she doesn't get anything sweet - she bugs me all night and I can't sleep. If you look at the weight change tracker on the side - you can see I fell off the wagon big time. That happened in a large part because Dulci persuaded me that eating ice cream and gelato every day was the right thing to do.
So I need to reign Dulci in. It's not realistic of me to think that I can let Dulci go cold-turkey without dessert. I think that is just asking for trouble. So I have decided to go with something like a "You break it, You buy it" policy. It's called, "You Crave It, You Make It"
From now one, if I want something sweet or desserty - I will have to make it. This will require thinking ahead of time because I will need to make sure I have what I need on hand in order to make it - ingredients and tools. It also means that I have to work to actually get my sweets made. Let me tell you - making cupcakes are not easy. I think in a past post I referred to a fat footprint - similar to a green footprint (for all the environmentalist). Making my own desserts decreases the fat footprint on my body (although its probably more of a symbolic than actual reduction). I'm also going to embrace my inner Sesame Street and insist on sharing my dessert bounty with the people around me. When making sweet things - I will bring things in for my office mates, my sister, my friends. That's not only satisfying Dulci, but it's increasing my karma.
In order to do this - I am actually ordering myself a ice cream maker attachment for my Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I know - kind of counter intuitive, but I'm really excited about this. I am dying to learn how to make ice cream, gelato, sorbet, and granitas. There's something about making your own food that just makes it taste better, and you want that taste to last - so I've also found out that I tend to spread out the consumption of said food. For example, I made awesome cupcakes for a co-worker the week before last. I still have something like 6 in my fridge- and they are still good. But I'm not eating them everyday - and that's progress.
Living life with Dulci can be hard, but I think that I am going to manage.
Eat, Pray, Love
Next weekend I will be going to see "Eat, Pray, Love" at the theater. I first read the book 5 or 6 years ago for my book club. At that time, I was struggling with the fact that my dad, who was born and raised Catholic and then accepted Lutheranism when he married my mom, had become a Buddhist. As you can guess from the title, the book deals with spirituality, and I felt when reading it that I was beginning to understand why my dad needed to choose this new spiritual path. I remember him visiting me and I actually recommended him reading it because I thought that he might see that I was trying to understand him better. I don't know if he actually read it though.
With the movie coming out though, I decided to revisit the book, and I'm very glad I did. This time I listened to the audiobook version, which is read by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. There's a certain luxury to having the author read the story to you. They have the inside scoop on what feelings and thoughts the story is trying to tell and at what time and they are able to pull that into the reading. It's more textured. If I was talking in math terms, it's like going from two axis to three.
Listening to the book this time, I realized that the story wasn't just about pursuing spirituality. It is the story of grief and how loss can force you to look inward and learn more about yourself. It's the story about deciding to fight against depression and winning, as well as accepting that in order to love the world you need to learn to love yourself. It's about learning how to let go of the things that hold you down from progress. Spirituality is an element of the story, but I would say that it's more of a means of moving the story than a full out theme. While the backstory of Elizabeth Gilbert felt darker, I think her climb out of that darkness felt much brighter.
Now I know that I'm not going to be able to do exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert did to make myself better. While I would love to spend 4 months in Italy eating, I can't really picture myself moving there, and then to India, and then to Bali. I need to find my own path - and I think that is what I have been doing for the last year or so. But she does highlight some really useful tools that I think anybody can use. My favorite - writing a petition to God about what you need, and then in your heart make a list about who will sign it. It's remarkable what a big pep squad you have supporting you to be better when you just think about it.
I do recommend this book to people, expecially to people who may feel like they are lost in the dark. It leaves you thinking, and it leaves you with hope. But don't be surprised if the book is nothing like the movie - just enjoy the both of them for what they are.
With the movie coming out though, I decided to revisit the book, and I'm very glad I did. This time I listened to the audiobook version, which is read by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. There's a certain luxury to having the author read the story to you. They have the inside scoop on what feelings and thoughts the story is trying to tell and at what time and they are able to pull that into the reading. It's more textured. If I was talking in math terms, it's like going from two axis to three.
Listening to the book this time, I realized that the story wasn't just about pursuing spirituality. It is the story of grief and how loss can force you to look inward and learn more about yourself. It's the story about deciding to fight against depression and winning, as well as accepting that in order to love the world you need to learn to love yourself. It's about learning how to let go of the things that hold you down from progress. Spirituality is an element of the story, but I would say that it's more of a means of moving the story than a full out theme. While the backstory of Elizabeth Gilbert felt darker, I think her climb out of that darkness felt much brighter.
Now I know that I'm not going to be able to do exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert did to make myself better. While I would love to spend 4 months in Italy eating, I can't really picture myself moving there, and then to India, and then to Bali. I need to find my own path - and I think that is what I have been doing for the last year or so. But she does highlight some really useful tools that I think anybody can use. My favorite - writing a petition to God about what you need, and then in your heart make a list about who will sign it. It's remarkable what a big pep squad you have supporting you to be better when you just think about it.
I do recommend this book to people, expecially to people who may feel like they are lost in the dark. It leaves you thinking, and it leaves you with hope. But don't be surprised if the book is nothing like the movie - just enjoy the both of them for what they are.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Hardest Thing to Say
I heartily disagree with Elton John, "Sorry" isn't the hardest thing to say. Instead, I think its "I'm Awesome".
I have no problem saying "I'm sorry". At socceer practice, when I was younger. I used to say "Sorry" every time I missed a ball when I was practicing with one of the goalies from the guy's team. He finally stopped throwing the ball at me and said, "Emily, stop saying you're sorry to the ball. It doesn't care." Seriously - I could say I'm sorry like 25 times a minute if I had to.
But I have a hard time believing good things about myself. Today at work, I'm working on a forecast. I've created the model by myself and it's basically based on common sense. Last year was the first we used this model and apparently, we came really close to our target. When my co-worker told me that, I let my mouth hang open and just incrediously said, "Seriously?". I couldn't believe it because internally I'm thinking that my model is just a bunch of spaghetti that I've thrown against the wall and amazingly some of it is sticking. Instead of being all "OMG - why is it sticking?", shouldn't I be saying, "Why shouldn't it stick".
I need to start reframing my thoughts though. I need to start focusing on my strengths and what I am good at. And I have a bunch - I'm good at recognizing patterns, I communicate well with kids, I'm a kickass cook and baker, I have fantastic rhythm, and my smile is "intoxicating" as one person recently wrote to me.
I need to start being my own Captain Awesome (although I really do love the original Captain Awesome).
I have no problem saying "I'm sorry". At socceer practice, when I was younger. I used to say "Sorry" every time I missed a ball when I was practicing with one of the goalies from the guy's team. He finally stopped throwing the ball at me and said, "Emily, stop saying you're sorry to the ball. It doesn't care." Seriously - I could say I'm sorry like 25 times a minute if I had to.
But I have a hard time believing good things about myself. Today at work, I'm working on a forecast. I've created the model by myself and it's basically based on common sense. Last year was the first we used this model and apparently, we came really close to our target. When my co-worker told me that, I let my mouth hang open and just incrediously said, "Seriously?". I couldn't believe it because internally I'm thinking that my model is just a bunch of spaghetti that I've thrown against the wall and amazingly some of it is sticking. Instead of being all "OMG - why is it sticking?", shouldn't I be saying, "Why shouldn't it stick".
I need to start reframing my thoughts though. I need to start focusing on my strengths and what I am good at. And I have a bunch - I'm good at recognizing patterns, I communicate well with kids, I'm a kickass cook and baker, I have fantastic rhythm, and my smile is "intoxicating" as one person recently wrote to me.
I need to start being my own Captain Awesome (although I really do love the original Captain Awesome).
Monday, August 2, 2010
The profile
I've had people on me for awhile about how I need to get back on the dating horse. I'm sure I've spoken about it here. And I've been reluctant (which is probably too nice of a word). But for some reason this last week, I decided to sample the waters and put up a profile on a dating website.
And it kind of terrifies me that this profile represents who I am to others and will help them determine whether or not they think they will like me. And what if my profile attracts the wrong people. Am I appearing insincere or nervous? Is that a good picture - does it make me look too fat or too skinny? Should I even have a picture? You want your profile to attract people, but you also don't want it to be a creative writing assignment.
I think I need help on this.
Any volunteers??
And it kind of terrifies me that this profile represents who I am to others and will help them determine whether or not they think they will like me. And what if my profile attracts the wrong people. Am I appearing insincere or nervous? Is that a good picture - does it make me look too fat or too skinny? Should I even have a picture? You want your profile to attract people, but you also don't want it to be a creative writing assignment.
I think I need help on this.
Any volunteers??
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