Thursday, August 19, 2010

Freaking Out

So short backstory - I met Chris on eHarmony. The end.

As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again.  I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity.  And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do.  But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.

It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out.  I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site.  The benefit of that site though is the staged communication.  You're not just messaging guys right away.  Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything. 

I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys.  And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off.  A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously.  Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."

I began freaking. 

Because I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know if I am ready for this.  And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris.  And how that was so easy.  I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails.  And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history.  And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again.  And that is scary in and of itself.

So I ate half a pie.  I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).

I am still trying to calm down.  It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.

Things are different, I am different.  I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness.  I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people.  And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar. 

The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket.  Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same.  And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.

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