Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What is it going to feel like?

Yesterday a thought popped into my head.  What is love going to be like after Chris?

This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?".  At least I think it is.

Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to.  He was the second.  The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end.  It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike.  My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important).  Everything around me was collapsing.  9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married.  I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto.  Enter Evil Mike.  I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.

Chris was different.  Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning.  But it became very clear that this was different.  It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term.  These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will. 

I can't imagine love will ever be the same.  Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame.  Will I find another roaring flame?  Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different. 

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