Thursday, September 23, 2010

First Date Back

A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy.  It was going well, he was smart and nice.  Younger than me.  I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have.  I went along with it though just to see what would happen.

We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet.  I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2."  I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies.  I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed.  Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. 

Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought.  "Oh, no, no, no.  Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible".  So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book).   So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no.  I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks). 

I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died.  This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with.  I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.

Overall, I think the date went fine.   Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to.  Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later).  Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit.  It went well enough that he asked me to go out again.  I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.

It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this".  In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day.  And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways.  That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.   

Then there was the guy factor.  He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy.  I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need.  Unfrotunately not for me.  At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.

I felt bad about it.  It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.

But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me.  I think it'll make things less pressured in the future.  I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again.  I can go at a pace that is good for me.

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