First Date Back

A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy.  It was going well, he was smart and nice.  Younger than me.  I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have.  I went along with it though just to see what would happen.

We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet.  I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2."  I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies.  I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed.  Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. 

Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought.  "Oh, no, no, no.  Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible".  So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book).   So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no.  I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks). 

I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died.  This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with.  I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.

Overall, I think the date went fine.   Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to.  Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later).  Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit.  It went well enough that he asked me to go out again.  I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.

It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this".  In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day.  And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways.  That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.   

Then there was the guy factor.  He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy.  I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need.  Unfrotunately not for me.  At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.

I felt bad about it.  It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.

But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me.  I think it'll make things less pressured in the future.  I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again.  I can go at a pace that is good for me.

Finding a groove

At the beginning of this year, I lost my book club.  While I haven't lost the good friends from that club, I really missed the routine of one Sunday a month getting together with these girls, talking about books, eating, and gossiping about all matters of things.

There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring.  Book club was my only real social activity I had left.  Not that I wasn't social.  I get together with friends all the time.  Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left.  I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others.  I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself.  Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser. 

So I found another one.  This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time.  It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.  

My first meeting I was overwhelmed.  It was a lot to take in.  Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting.  It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time.  They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names.  And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history.  For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it. 

Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there.  I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree.  I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a  part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there.  Change is good.

P.S.  If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.

Slowing down

Lately I haven't felt like I have had much time to myself on the weekend.

This sounds rediculous considering that today I spent puttering around the grocery store and making cupcakes and yesterday I spent the day with friends at the baseball game.

But something is missing.  My weekends blast past me and I don't feel very rested.  I'm not sure if its the allergies, the not sleeping during the week (cause of the allergies), or I'm just not using my time well. 

I don't even remember the last time I came out of a weekend where I've felt refreshed.  Does anybody else feel like that?  What do you do to recover?

Independence

No - this is not about dating.

Today I learned that my newest colleague has already decided to leave us.  They are going back to their older agency for a position which will give him a better shot at supervisory authority.  I understand his need to advance his career that way and wish him all the luck.

This does make me wonder about how my career is going.

Overall, I like my job.  I'm not in love with it - but then, I don't think I love business life in general.  I'm not really highly paid, but I don't really have the responsibilties that deserves the highest level of pay.  I would say I'm paid fairly.  And the truth is money isn't everything.

I like the people in my group - they are intelligent and interesting.  They can sometimes drive me crazy - but I assume I do the same thing to them on occassion.  I work in a relatively small group, and each of us have our own niches, although we do work together.  But this means that we cooperate more as peers of one another instead of a series of subordinates.  I particularly like this.  I would say that daily we work very independently.  And I like the mix of the analytical and creative stuff that I get to do.

But sometimes I worry that I'm not ambitious enough for my own good.  Should I be wanting a job where I oversee people or make more money.  Do I wish that I was featured more? I'm a background supporting player (an important background player, but in the background none the less).  Do I need to be featured more.

I don't think so.  I see my dad and all the clawing he did to get to the top and all he lost when it all crumbled and I just don't know if its worth it.  It's just a job afterall.  But it's not like I have a family with whom I'm sacrificing career advancement for.  Does it make me lazy being this satisfied with what people may call a mediocre job?  That's what worries me.

What is it going to feel like?

Yesterday a thought popped into my head.  What is love going to be like after Chris?

This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?".  At least I think it is.

Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to.  He was the second.  The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end.  It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike.  My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important).  Everything around me was collapsing.  9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married.  I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto.  Enter Evil Mike.  I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.

Chris was different.  Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning.  But it became very clear that this was different.  It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term.  These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will. 

I can't imagine love will ever be the same.  Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame.  Will I find another roaring flame?  Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different.