Taking a break (not talking about the blog)

Shortly after Chris died I joined Weight Watchers.  I think 1) I was doing it as tribute to him because our plan was to try to lose weight after the new year and 2) I was too freaked that I was going to die like him if I didn't do it.  And of course looking back, I realized that there was 3) I needed something to control.  Yes, Weight Watchers for me became my focal point and for awhile I was REALLY focused on my food and what I was putting in me and not really dealing with the emotions that were going on within me.  I mean, during that first year on the program - I was the wickedest food tracker ever.  While I think it may have been a good thing to do, I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do at that time because when the emotions finally hit, they hit hard and everything else went out the window.

Anyways - I have been on WW ever since and I have had periods of minor success, but for the most part I've been at the same weight.  And things have changed in that they cancelled the meetings I used to love so I had to find a new meeting on Saturday and then I got really sick and I started needing my Saturdays for sleep.  I'm currently doing the at work program, and while it is great having the support of my colleagues, I don't like my leader and frankly I feel like I've been here, done that.  I mean how many times can I hear how to change a 10 point hot dog into a 3 point hot dog. 

The other thing I've noticed is that all this talk about substituting one thing for another has really turned me off food.  I know that the program has been revamped to get us thinking about fresh food and stuff, but the more I did the program, the easier I found it to just eat the same thing day after day because I didn't have to recalculate points or I ate processed stuff that had the points already printed on them.   I was not enjoying what I ate and so I found that I was eating more. 

So I have decided to take a break from the dieting.  I'm not going to negatize my food.  If I want to have something with butter in it - I'm going to have the butter.  I'm going to drink whole milk because I feel fuller on whole milk.  And I am going to recover my love of food and cooking.  Of course to offset this I will need to increase my activity - but that's why I have my bike  (which also gets me closer to natural things like deer and bunnies - which is good for your soul in totally different ways). 

But I will let you know, that if you want to follow my food adventures - you can go to http://kitchenvixens.blogspot.com/ .  In addition to more regularly blogging here, I am going to do a better job at that blog too.  However, everything at that blog will be food related. 

Something New

Ok...So after a couple of people have reported to me that they haven't seen me blogging in a while, I have decided to post some tidbits for them.

My mom was in town because we were going to go on vacation.  She has a mini-van so usually if I need to do something that involves hauling stuff, I save it for when she is in town.  Anyways - so one thing that I have been moaning about is that my bike had been broken.  Now, the think about the bike is that this is the bike that my parents bought me when I was young.  In my mind I was 11, but my mom insists it was more like 8.  Either way - considering that I am now in my 30's, that bike is old.  When it was manufactured bikes  weren't made to remove tires easily or with shock absorbers or a bunch of other stuff.  Anyways, a couple of years ago Chris and I were talking about it and I said that I wanted to get it fixed up and start riding again and he mocked me saying that it was too old and I should just get a new one.  So I took that as a challenge, had my mom take me to the bike shop and got it fixed up.  Problem was that mom left before I could get it back, so Chris and I picked it up and to get it home we had to pop a tire off the bike - but like I said, this bike was not made to do that.  Chris promised to fix it but never got around to it.  I tried and got to ride it a few times, but always ended up with the tire falling off in the middle of the ride or the handle bars rotating in their socket.  It wasn't safe.  So no more riding.

Anyways - when my mom came up this trip she suggested that I buy a new bike.  I kinda hee'd and hawed, but after she told me she saw a sale at the local bike shop I agreed.  So now I have a new bike.

It's a red.  It has tires that are meant to come off if need to but stay in when riding, has tweed on its handle bars. I've named it Merry Cherry.  I've ridden it a couple of times and what I can say is 1) I am totally out of shape and 2) it is so much fun.  As the weather mellows out, I hope to take it out more.  I may even take it out tonight.  I'm hoping to build up my stamina so I can go further and further, and eventually hope to get a bike rack so I can take it to other places to ride.

The sad thing about getting a new bike is that I had to get rid of the old bike.  I kinda felt like I was betraying it as I dropped it off in the neighborhood trashbin - but it had a good life and I won't forget all the times I rode it as a kid and young adult.

thoughts

I'm thinking of ending this blog.  Whenever I try to start a post, I somehow begin to think about Chris and it goes into this really dark place.  While it's nice to get those kind of things off my chest - I'm a little worried that it holds me back.

So right now I am on a holding pattern and I will let you know what I decide to do.

Bargaining

Dear God,

I know that you have some sort of grand plan for everything, and I know that you love us and sometimes it is tough love,  but I'm asking you very nicely to quit picking on the mom's to be in my life right now (I know quite a few).  You have not been very kind to them this week and I don't really understand why.  It's just not right.  If you need to test someone - let it be someone like me - who doesn't really have anyone else depending on them.  You know I can take it.

Sometimes you really baffle me.

Emily

A Life Well Read

I've been off the blog for a little bit because my main computer kinda died in December and I am currently having a friend look at it.  Until then, I have borrowed an old lap top of another friend.  Have I ever mentioned that I'm a desktop kind of girl.  So I've been reluctant to blog off of the laptop because I usually have a hard time typing, but after about a month and a half, I think I have finally gotten the hang of it.

So a couple weeks ago I was talking with my mom about the book I was reading for my second book club, The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  While I was telling my mom about the book she kind of stopped me and told me that she wasn't interested.  When I asked her why she said, "I once read an article that said that a well-read person reads about 5,000 books in my life.  The older I get, the more I realized that I won't have that many more books to read in my life.  I want to make every book count - so I'm picky about books I want to read and that one doesn't seem like one I would want to read."

That really made me think about how much I read.  In order to read 5,000 books by the time I turn 50, I would have to read about 100 books a year every year.  I can tell you that I definitely don't read that many books a year.  So this year I am trying to read more books. 

My first effort to do that is I entered the What's In A Name 4 Book Challenge:

This is my first book challenge, so I think it's good that its a small one.  The way it works is that during the year, I must read one book in each of the following categories:

1. A book with a number in the title
2. A book with jewelry or a gem in the title
3. A book with a size in the title
4. A book with travel or movement in the title
5. A book with evil in the title
6. A book with a life stage in the title

This is my first book challenge, so I think it's good that its a small one.  I have already read one book - Wicked Appetite (Category 5) and I am in the middle of a book that will satisfy Category 3 (The Thin Man).

I've also challenged myself on Goodreads to read 28 books this year. 

One more Christmas Tree Item

This evening I was on the phone talking to Chris' mom (I'll call her B).  We have become close friends since Chris died.  Anyways - I mentioned to her that I had gotten a tree this year, and one thing led to another and we started to talk about the tree Chris and I got.

At the time that Chris died, if you asked me if there was one thing I really wanted - it was that tree.  It was such a symbol of his love for me.  But when we were packing things up, Brenda said that she wanted it.  I thought about protesting, but my mom suggested that 1) Chris having a tree was also important to his mom and so it meant a lot to her also 2) I had no room for a tree 3) it would be kind of petty to argue over a tree.  So I gave in and let them keep the tree.  But I would be lying if I say I never had regrets over that decision.

So while we were on the phone tonight, B says to me, "You know, we should have left that tree with you."  I laughed a little and told her that at the time I really wanted it, but I knew she wanted it too.  I asked B if she and Chris' dad was going to put up the tree and she said she had thought about it.  She paused her, and I held in my breath because I was dreading that she was going to say that she was going to give it away to goodwill or something, but instead she said that she was thinking of giving it to Chris' sister. 

I think Chris would like that because it won't just be his sister enjoying it, but also his new nephew.    That tree deserves to be around the love and innocence that a child brings to the holidays.  I hope that they do get the tree and that they can enjoy it for years to come.

Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

I thought I had posted about this last year, but apparently not, so I thought I would share the story.

I think its a given to say that my mom cannot carry a Christmas tree by herself.  I don't know how many people could (other than the guys at the Christmas tree lot).  My mom also believes that real trees are better than fake trees.  We had a fake tree years and years ago, but it lost all its needles after a few years.  So every year when my sister and I go down for the holidays, we go and pick up a tree for my mom.

Last year my mom came to visit us at Thanksgiving, and then my sister and I didn't head down to my mom's house until Dec. 23rd for Christmas; this meant that my mom couldn't get a tree until the day before Christmas Eve.  So shortly after my sister and I got home, my mom herded us back into her van and we headed to a normal tree lot.  Now my mom had driven by the tree lot the day earlier and had told me on the phone the previous night (not even 24 hours earlier) that there were still plenty of trees and she thought we still had a chance to get a good one.  You can just imagine our surprise when we drove up to where the lot usually is and there was no evidence of it being there.  Seriously, there was nothing there.  Not even a straggler tree branch.  I had a confused puppy look on my face while I said, "I thought you said they were here?"

My mom replied that there was another tree lot near her school, so traipsed back into the van and scooted out that way.  When we got to that lot, we at least managed to find people there.  They were loading the tree packing equipment onto a van, and there were once again no trees.  We apparently weren't the only confused people, because we saw a couple of other cars pull out and people get out and give the confused puppy look. 

We did try to find another tree lot my mom knew about, but all we found were cars parked by last minute shoppers there.  Apparently in NC, many tree lots are staffed by the people who work at the tree farms; so in order for them to be able to spend Christmas with their families, they close their lots down on the 23rd.

So last year we suddenly found ourselves as a family without a tree.  While I guess we could have gone into target and gotten a fake tree, that just didn't appeal to us.  We sat in the van for a few minutes when my sister said, "I think at Borders they sell tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree kits."  We laughed until my mom suddenly sat up straight in her seat, "I have a baby tree in my front yard that kind of looks like that.  I'm going to have to chop it down anyway before it gets too big and destroys the foundation of my house."  So it was decided that we would have Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

We went to the fabric store and bought a remnant piece of blue felt the same color of Linus' blanket and bought a big red ball (my mom has one in her ornament collection, but since we weren't going to be using any other ornaments, we didn't want to dig it out).  We stood the tree up using an unused paper coffee cup with a slit cut in its base.

Need less to say, this was a memorable tree.  Actually, I doubt I will ever be able to forget the year we had the Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  It was truly an awesome tree, and I have to say it made me smile at the holidays more than I had in a while.  While part of me would love to recreate it, the spirit behind it wouldn't be the same.  Instead, this year, my mom, sister, and I made sure to get to the tree lots two days after Thanksgiving and got our tree.  But I also got my own small tree for my apartment to put up this year.  I think the big red ball will go up on that tree to remind me of our Charlie Brown Christmas.

Messy State of Mind

I am horrified to know that today, a cable man will be coming through my messy apartment to set up Vios cable.  Granted, I would probably be even more horrified if I had been the one to make the appointment request - but I wasn't.  The people I rent from decided to switch cable providers - so if I want cable - I have to let the guy through.

But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today.  It's really messy.  It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny.  Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again.  I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).

I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv).  During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc.  Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling.  What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on.  After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do.  If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner.  Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.

While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows.  If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.

So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit.  The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do.  It's a start.  One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf.  I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area.  Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them.  Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'.  When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time.  I haven't opened them since then.  So they all got thrown in the garbage. 

So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week.  If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me.  If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me.  I'll let you know how it goes.

A New Blog

I've been noticing that lately I've been using this blog to really write about processing grief and the steps I have been taking to try to improve my life.  It feels very heavy, but it's been very helpful to me.  But sometimes the heaviness prevents me from adding some of the lighter things in my life.

As you know, I have a love affair with food.  I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me).  Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club.  It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies.  While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.

One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting.  I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.

For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners.  We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays).  Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same.  In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.

Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures.  Molly was game to it.

So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts.  There's no need to change the title.  In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends.  And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture.  So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.

Perspective

This weekend I attended a memorial service at the grief center I used to attend.  I found out about this service from my grief counselor - who encouraged me to go if I felt like it was time to say goodbye.  Well, I'm not sure if I will ever be ready to completely say goodbye to Chris, but I had been thinking about him and moving on lately so it seemed appropriate.  I'm very glad I went.

Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months.  The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews.   The way that they all died ran the gamut as well.  Some deaths were sudden, others not.  But those of us there were all missing these people.

I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months.  Her pain was palpable.  I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier.  This made me realized how far I have come.

Three years ago - that was me.  I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk.  It felt weird laughing or smiling.  It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends.  I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have.  It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.

Today - I still miss him.  I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over.  I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is.  And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace.  I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."

Don't get me wrong - I still have issues.  But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.