My Summer Playlist

Happy Fourth of July Everybody!!!

Looking back, I realized that the 4th of July is actually a pretty significant holiday in my adult life.  I mean, in my head I think it should be a lazy holiday filled with just barbecues and fireworks, but there's been a lot of stuff that has happened around this holiday.  This includes: attending the wedding of my ex-boyfriend's dad (yeah - I am that girl who the family will always go "whatever happened to her?" when they dig out the wedding photos); multiple summers face-painting at the local Independence Day festival; my late boyfriend helped me move me into my current apartment (and I actually got prove to him my ability to problem solve by getting my futon in the door through one piece instead of taking it apart like he wanted to do); bonding with my mom on the Issac H. Evans windjammer cruise (best vacation EVAH!!!  Seriously, if you like boats you gotta check out the Evans); and to top it all off I spent last year on painkillers for my broken ankle.

So as I mentioned in a previous post, I started jogging after the broken ankle in order to make it stronger.  One thing that I have found out is that I am someone who really needs music out on my runs.  I know a lot of people discourage it due to safety concerns, but you just have to compensate by being more vigilant visually.  I just think that the music helps me set a pace both with my feet and with my breath.  This is especially important with my breathing seeing as I am an asthmatic (this is also why I don't like running in groups because while some people want you to tell your whole life story while you are trying your best just to breath).  I try to rotate my song lists every once in awhile so I thought I would post what my current summer running playlist includes.  Here we go...

The Sassy Strutter's Summer Running Playlist (no particular order):

1. I Love It by Icona Pop (although I am using the Glee version...yes, I watch Glee)
2. Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke (don't care about the naughtiness, it has a sick beat)
3. 212 by Azealia Banks (This is actually x2 because I have both the original and the version they used at the beginning of Pitch Perfect...cause that is Acca-awesome)
4. Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO (fell in love with it during Madonna's Super Bowl)
5. Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO (but I am using Spanglish version from when Ricky Martin sang it...it's Hot!)
6. Hot Girls In Good Moods by Butch Walker (Rob Thomas of Veronica Mars fame posted it as his jam one day and it clicked with me)
7. Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars (Closest anyone is going to get to capturing the genius of the Police)
8. Remix (I like the) by New Kids on The Block (Their new stuff is actually pretty good and sounds current)
9. Home by Edward Sharpe & the Magentic Zeros (Pure California fun)
10. Get Up Get On Down (Tonight) by Turbo Fruits (discovered them in the movie Whip It)
11. I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift (Great song to listen to when digging into last reserves)
12. 22 by Taylor Swift (Total guilty pleasure)
13. High Times by Landon Pigg and featuring Turbo Fruits (Another song from the uber fun Whip It soundtrack, seriously one of my fave soundtracks of all time)
14. Clarity by Zedd (but I have the Michelle Chamuel version from the Voice.  Go Team Usher!!)
15. One More Night by Maroon 5 (one of the best beats for setting your pace)
16. Payphone by Maroon 5 (I just kinda love them)
17. Run (I'm a Natural Disaster) by Gnarls Barkley (Slightly retro sounding tune that makes for a fun run)
18. Thrift Shop by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (Fun)
19. A Little Party Never Killed Nobody by Fergie, Q-Tip,& Goon Rock (This and the next three are from the Great Gatsby Soundtrack which did a great job mashing current music with the 1920's music together)
20. Bang Bang by Will.I.Am (just love the Bang Bang's)
21. Crazy in Love by Emeli Sandé & Brian Setzer Orchestra (yes, this is the Beyoncé song)
22. Where the Wind Blows by Coco O. (I end up singing this to myself a lot)
23. Gangnam Style by Psy (but once again using the Glee Version)
24. Twisted by Usher (fell in love with it when he performed it on the Voice)
25. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas (this went on after I heard the Durham Ukulele Orchestra do a bluegrass version of it. If you are in the Triangle area [NC] you have to check them out)

I'll post some of my other playlists later, but until then enjoy the day!  I gotta run (like literally I have to go out jogging now, just as soon as I put my shoes on)

Weekend Reviews

(The Heat image courtesy of IMDB.com, The Sweet Life image courtesy of Amazon.com, Much Ado About Nothing image courtesy of IMDB.com)

So this weekend was kind of media heavy as you can see.  I saw "The Heat" with my mom, Read "Sweet Valley Confidential: The Sweet Life", and saw "Much Ado About Nothing" by myself.  So let's get on with these reviews!

The Heat

This female buddy-cop movie combines Writer/Director Paul Feig and Actress Melissa McCarthy of last summer's big hit "Bridesmaids" with "Miss Congeniality" Sandra Bullock.  My mom was the person who suggested we see it (I wanted Much Ado), but I had seen the ads and it looked funny so I readily agreed.  Once again Feig has really done a great job with creating a comedy movie anchored by women.  There are a bunch of funny men in this movie (Marlon Wayans, Michael Rappaport, Taran Killam, Nathan Corrdry) but the comedy firmly rests with the ladies.  He's also done a great job not just repeating what he did with Bridesmaid.  While both movies have a physical comedy element, the sense of humor is just very different (fowl mouthed fish out of water vs. women potty humor).  If anything was weak about the movie it was the main mystery.  There were a bit too many beats to the mystery and I kinda figured out the mystery villian before we got to the end).  McCarthy and Bullock were excellent and show why they are some of the best comedic actors out there, male or female.  One last note, I think this movie is going to do really well - however I do think it is skewing to a much older audience than Bridesmaid did.  There were a lot more people my mom's age in the theater than mine.  Definitely see this movie, but I will say that it may be ok saving it for video release.

The Sweet Life

So I wrote up a long review on Goodreads for this book, but I will try to do something shorter for here.  This book was extremely frustrating.  I picked it up for nostalgic purposes and quickly realized why I abandoned the Wakefield Twins and Sweet Valley for Elizabeth Bennet and Dagny Taggert (from Pride & Prejudice/Atlas Shrugged respectively).  While it's kind of expected to make really dumb, self-destructive decisions in high school, the amount of insane decisions made by characters in this book (set a good 15-20 years after the high school series) was crazy.  I think I was most disappointed with Elizabeth Wakefield who I thought made the worst decisions out of anybody and was totally surprised when things didn't turn out as she expected.  I wanted to hit her on the backside of the head and say "Duh!" This book is really left best on the shelf.

Much Ado About Nothing

I can still remember when my tenth grade English teacher showed us the Kenneth Branaugh version of this Shakespeare play. We were the first class she showed it too and she was caught unawares by that initial scene where all the men returning from war strip down to nothing and jump into the outdoor public baths.  Here mouth fell wide open and she tried to block the screen with her body (which was kinda hard because it was on one of those really tall tv carts where the television was setting higher than her head).  Why am I telling you this?  Because it was a pretty damn funny moment, and also to let you know that movie left a lasting impression upon me (overall, not just that scene). 

Much Ado About Nothing was really the first piece of Shakespeare that I could understand, and for that reason the play has a special place in my heart (I was that girl who used "Hey Nonny Nonny" as her Senior yearbook quote).  I also really love Joss Whedon.  I will follow that man most places (I wasn't the biggest fan of Dollhouse).  Anyways - it was clear in his Buffy days that Joss had as fantastic grasp on Shakespeare as do most Shakespearean actors.  I mean look at Buffy - most of her comedies had a tragic twist and her tragedies had a comedic edge to them.  If anyone could do a modern day adaptation of Much Ado justice, it would be Joss.

While Branaugh's version stays in the light (most scenes are shot in the delicious Italian sun, women frolic in white linen dresses and the men ham it up), Joss's version has a very film noir (or at the very least tawdry) edge to it that really highlights the seediness of the play.  For example, when the Prince informs Claudio that he has indeed wooed fair Hero in Claudio's name,  Joss has set the scene in the kitchen the morning after the party - with empty and half filled liquour bottles scattered across the kitchen island and Leonato hungover and half-way to passed out.  That scene in Branaugh's play felt like everybody went home, got 8 hours of sleep, and then went out for brunch.  There is a gritty and sexy realness to this version of the play.  I'm not sure I could have appreciated it back in tenth grade.  I highly recommend it.

The Beekeeper's Apprentice

So I have recently started writing reviews on Goodreads for the books I read.  After showing my mom one of my reviews her comment was "That's a freaking book report".  This made me realize that I am writing these reviews a lot like a blog entry - so I've decided that I'm going to start posting my book reviews up on the blog here.  Here's the first one.


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(Image courtesy of Amazon.com)

The Beekeeper's Apprentice is the first book in Laurie R. King's Mary Russell detective series. I had never heard of this series before someone selected it for their book club choice, but when I mentioned it to my mom (an avid mystery reader) she gushed about how good it was. That set the expectations pretty high for me, which I am happy to say they delivered.

The basic premise: Fifteen year-old Mary Russell is sent to live with her wicked Aunt after a car accident orphans here. One day she encounters the now retired Sherlock Holmes, who after immediately noticing her intelligence, instinct, tenacity, and spunkiness, decides that he will train her in detecting. This book takes the reader through the first 4-5 years of their relationship, culminating in a big mystery that could destroy them. (Cue ominous music here)

So what is so great about this book you may ask...Well, to start with - King has done an awesome job writing Sherlock Holmes. It had to be hard because I think most people already have a preconceived notion of who Sherlock Holmes is - a pompous, smart-ass, eccentric who just always gets it right. But King has really figured out what makes Holmes tick and brings those characteristics out while also acknowledging that Holmes has probably evolved since the end of Sir Conan Doyle's stories. There is a vulnerability and (dare I say) sexiness to Holmes (in a Rupert Giles kind of way)that I didn't expect, but feels right.

Of course this book is really about Mary Russell, and I dare say that Russell easily falls into my favorite spunky heroines (along with Buffy Summers and Veronica Mars). She's very smart and intuitive, but she has her flaws as well (can we say she is just a wee bit stubborn - a must for spunky heroines). Most importantly, her relationship with Holmes is totally natural. The dialog (as well as non-speaking dialog) between them really sparkles. It's easy to see how their relationship evolves throughout the book. King has done an excellent job of creating this new character of Mary Russell and fitting her in the world of Sherlock Holmes alongside its other iconic characters including Watson, Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson, and even sinister Moriarty.

The other thing I really admired about this book was the structure. As I mentioned, this book covered several years. Because it covers so much time, there are several small mysteries or plots woven throughout the book, but in the end they all tie together. In many ways it reminded me (once again) of the show Veronica Mars. Everything has a place and you may not see how it all connects when you first see it, but you will in the end.

So to wrap this up - I very easily give this book 5 stars. More importantly I'm looking forward to reading the other books in this series.

Just a crack

So of the things I want to share with you that happened last year, the most significant thing that happened to me was that I broke my ankle.

 That picture you are looking at is the x-ray of my ankle. I think I took this picture at one of my final visits so it was mostly healed at that point, but you can see where it was.  It's that straight line toward the bottom tip of the right leg bone.

It was a really tiny crack, but for a tiny crack it hurt like hell.  But the most irritating thing about that wasn't the pain, but the knowledge that after 34 years I could no longer say I've never had a broken bone.

Altogether, it took about 6 weeks to heal wearing one of those huge black boots.  That was 6 weeks of just lumbering around everywhere, barely making it across crosswalks before the lights changed.  I was so glad when I finally got to stop wearing it.

The one thing that I didn't anticipate was that my ankle was going to continue to hurt after it healed.  In fact, it hurt more than when I broke it.  For a couple of weeks I just let it hurt, taking pain reliever when the pain got real bad, and in general just limped around.  Then one day I just thought to myself that maybe the ankle is just weak and maybe what I need to do is to strengthen it up.  I didn't really know how to do that other than using it, so I started to go walking.

Quick back track - just prior to breaking my ankle, I had kinda started jogging.  I say kinda because 1) it was a combination of walking and jogging and 2) my jogging was slower than some people's fast walking.   Obviously that had to stop when I broke my ankle.

Back to healed ankle - after about two weeks of walking, my ankle began to feel better.  I no longer had to limp, and as I continued my walks I found that I started going faster.  I eventually began to incorporate small intervals of jogging.  It felt really good.

I could write a lot more about jogging and how I'm doing with it now, but I will save that for other blog posts.  I will leave you with this picture though.

Photo courtesey of Potomac River Running

Taken by Dustin Whitlow at Lucky Leprechaun 5K on March 16, 2013

 

A new beginning

It's been a while since I last wrote here.  The last entries were about the DC earthquake and Hurricane Irene - events that occurred in the summer of 2011.  That's one and a half years ago, although it feels like a lifetime ago.

So why did I stop blogging?  To be honest - I don't exactly remember.  Reading back on my entries I have a couple of theories: 1) I was in a really dark place but really didn't want to share that really dark place  2) Not a lot of  "significant" events were happening and I felt like life was too boring to blog about.

Next question: Why am I starting again?  I'm not too clear on that other than I feel like I need to be putting sometime out there.  What that something is - I don't know.  This is going to be more of a creative exercise now rather than a therapeutic one.  This means that I'm not going to even try to rehash every little thing that happened in the past year.  That's too much.  But I will probably share what is still relevant as well as talk about other things.  I think I'll leave this entry on this note, but I promise to be back soon.

Go??

So here we are, post-Irene- or at least post-Irene here in DC.

 Now I know that Irene was a beyatch of a storm.  I spent a lot of Saturday watching the weather channel, yelling at the weather man to get out of the wave of the giant waves and praying that I wasn't going to witness someone bite it from a flying hunk of debris on national television.  I have a friend who lives near the beach in Conneticut and posted on facebook that they had to evacuate further inland.  I'm praying that they and their house comes through this unscathed - the pictures from Long Beach are  terrifying (did you see the lifeguard headquarters be swept away from its base with Al Roker looking on?).  And it's really sad that 10 people have died, although I'm kinda surprised that it's not more considering the frat boys who decided to go streaking the news when the hurricane hit VA Beach.

But from where I was hunkered down, Irene wasn't really more than a big rainstorm.

Saturday morning I helped my friend secure the furniture out back because last thing I wanted was a patio table going through my window.  I actually managed to use my bike lock to attach my take to the patio.  After that I went with her family to Second Watch for breakfast.  As we headed back home, the rain started.  At that point I glued myself to the weather channel and monitored Irene's progress up the coast.  Occassionally I would go out and check to see how conditions here changed, but it stayed pretty much the same - rain and little wind.  Around dinner time, I cooked up some pasta and tossed it with garlicm, olive oil, parmesan cheese, and fresh parsley that I had to go outside for a pick from one of my plants (my herbs were all moved to the patio to avoid the wind).

The electricity flickered on and off a couple of times during the day, but it never stayed off longer than a few seconds.  We did end up with a longer black out period later in the evening -around 11pm, but at that point I just switched off the light switches so that if the power came back on while I slept it would not wake me.  If anything exciting actually happened around here, I missed it - and I'm pretty sure that I am ok with it.  I will confess that I was a little confused when I was woken up by the kids running upstairs and I looked at my clock and it read 2:30 am because kids shouldn't really be running around at that hour- it took me a minute to figure out to look at the time on my iPod, which said that it was actually 7:30 am.

There doesn't appear to be any damage around the house, or around many of the houses in my neighborhood.  We were just really really lucky I guess.

Ready, Set...

If you haven't heard this week, we had an earthquake this week in DC.  Well, technically it was centered something like 80 miles away from DC, but we felt it.  Everybody has their own story about it.  Every where you go you hear somebody ask someone, "Where were you?"

Well, my story is that I was caught in the bathroom after lunch.  I could say that I was caught with my pants down, except I was wearing a skirt.  I wsa just about to flush the toilet when I noticed that all the water was vibrating, and then suddenly the toilet was vibrating, and then I was vibrating.  My first thought was "Oh god, we've been attacked - but hopefully it's just an earthquake."  My second thought was "Is it safe to flush the toilet" (It's the polite thing to do).  After the shaking stopped, I quickly rinsed my hands before heading out, where I was immediately commanded to evacuate.

Now here is the thing, I realized as I was following the masses down the emergency stairs and outside that 1) I didn't have  my glasses on me [they were sitting on my desk] 2) I didn't have my wallet or commuting ticket with me to help me get home [also sitting at my desk] 3) My cell phone was at home 4) I had left a heater going at my desk [I've been super cold somedays this summer and sometimes need to use it to warm up - Tuesday was one of those days] so if the earthquake didn't destroy my building, my heater would and finally five 5) I was wearing my two inch high heels to stand around in and not my comfy flat flip flops [which I commute inand were in my cubicle closet].  Thankfully we were allowed to go in the  building to retreive personal items after a cursory check of the building's structure, but the basic gist is that I felt woefully unprepared.

So just a few days later, we are waiting for Hurricane Irene to hit.  At first I was highly skeptical that it was going to hit us, but each day as it moves closer I become less and less convinced.  So today I went to target to stock up on goods.  I grabbed batteries and a head lamp, a radio that can use batteries, canned food and other things that don't really need heating (although even if the power goes out in my house, I could still cook because we have gas appliances.)  I also got some non-essential but nice to have things like diet coke, pop tarts, and gum.  I already have a case of water, but figure that if needed to I can boil water and then send it through the brita filter if need be (we have regular plumbing and not a well - so i think flowing water won't be too much of an issue - clean water maybe, but actually flowing no).

So that's my plan.  I'll let you know how it ends.

Taking a break (not talking about the blog)

Shortly after Chris died I joined Weight Watchers.  I think 1) I was doing it as tribute to him because our plan was to try to lose weight after the new year and 2) I was too freaked that I was going to die like him if I didn't do it.  And of course looking back, I realized that there was 3) I needed something to control.  Yes, Weight Watchers for me became my focal point and for awhile I was REALLY focused on my food and what I was putting in me and not really dealing with the emotions that were going on within me.  I mean, during that first year on the program - I was the wickedest food tracker ever.  While I think it may have been a good thing to do, I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do at that time because when the emotions finally hit, they hit hard and everything else went out the window.

Anyways - I have been on WW ever since and I have had periods of minor success, but for the most part I've been at the same weight.  And things have changed in that they cancelled the meetings I used to love so I had to find a new meeting on Saturday and then I got really sick and I started needing my Saturdays for sleep.  I'm currently doing the at work program, and while it is great having the support of my colleagues, I don't like my leader and frankly I feel like I've been here, done that.  I mean how many times can I hear how to change a 10 point hot dog into a 3 point hot dog. 

The other thing I've noticed is that all this talk about substituting one thing for another has really turned me off food.  I know that the program has been revamped to get us thinking about fresh food and stuff, but the more I did the program, the easier I found it to just eat the same thing day after day because I didn't have to recalculate points or I ate processed stuff that had the points already printed on them.   I was not enjoying what I ate and so I found that I was eating more. 

So I have decided to take a break from the dieting.  I'm not going to negatize my food.  If I want to have something with butter in it - I'm going to have the butter.  I'm going to drink whole milk because I feel fuller on whole milk.  And I am going to recover my love of food and cooking.  Of course to offset this I will need to increase my activity - but that's why I have my bike  (which also gets me closer to natural things like deer and bunnies - which is good for your soul in totally different ways). 

But I will let you know, that if you want to follow my food adventures - you can go to http://kitchenvixens.blogspot.com/ .  In addition to more regularly blogging here, I am going to do a better job at that blog too.  However, everything at that blog will be food related. 

Something New

Ok...So after a couple of people have reported to me that they haven't seen me blogging in a while, I have decided to post some tidbits for them.

My mom was in town because we were going to go on vacation.  She has a mini-van so usually if I need to do something that involves hauling stuff, I save it for when she is in town.  Anyways - so one thing that I have been moaning about is that my bike had been broken.  Now, the think about the bike is that this is the bike that my parents bought me when I was young.  In my mind I was 11, but my mom insists it was more like 8.  Either way - considering that I am now in my 30's, that bike is old.  When it was manufactured bikes  weren't made to remove tires easily or with shock absorbers or a bunch of other stuff.  Anyways, a couple of years ago Chris and I were talking about it and I said that I wanted to get it fixed up and start riding again and he mocked me saying that it was too old and I should just get a new one.  So I took that as a challenge, had my mom take me to the bike shop and got it fixed up.  Problem was that mom left before I could get it back, so Chris and I picked it up and to get it home we had to pop a tire off the bike - but like I said, this bike was not made to do that.  Chris promised to fix it but never got around to it.  I tried and got to ride it a few times, but always ended up with the tire falling off in the middle of the ride or the handle bars rotating in their socket.  It wasn't safe.  So no more riding.

Anyways - when my mom came up this trip she suggested that I buy a new bike.  I kinda hee'd and hawed, but after she told me she saw a sale at the local bike shop I agreed.  So now I have a new bike.

It's a red.  It has tires that are meant to come off if need to but stay in when riding, has tweed on its handle bars. I've named it Merry Cherry.  I've ridden it a couple of times and what I can say is 1) I am totally out of shape and 2) it is so much fun.  As the weather mellows out, I hope to take it out more.  I may even take it out tonight.  I'm hoping to build up my stamina so I can go further and further, and eventually hope to get a bike rack so I can take it to other places to ride.

The sad thing about getting a new bike is that I had to get rid of the old bike.  I kinda felt like I was betraying it as I dropped it off in the neighborhood trashbin - but it had a good life and I won't forget all the times I rode it as a kid and young adult.

thoughts

I'm thinking of ending this blog.  Whenever I try to start a post, I somehow begin to think about Chris and it goes into this really dark place.  While it's nice to get those kind of things off my chest - I'm a little worried that it holds me back.

So right now I am on a holding pattern and I will let you know what I decide to do.

Bargaining

Dear God,

I know that you have some sort of grand plan for everything, and I know that you love us and sometimes it is tough love,  but I'm asking you very nicely to quit picking on the mom's to be in my life right now (I know quite a few).  You have not been very kind to them this week and I don't really understand why.  It's just not right.  If you need to test someone - let it be someone like me - who doesn't really have anyone else depending on them.  You know I can take it.

Sometimes you really baffle me.

Emily

A Life Well Read

I've been off the blog for a little bit because my main computer kinda died in December and I am currently having a friend look at it.  Until then, I have borrowed an old lap top of another friend.  Have I ever mentioned that I'm a desktop kind of girl.  So I've been reluctant to blog off of the laptop because I usually have a hard time typing, but after about a month and a half, I think I have finally gotten the hang of it.

So a couple weeks ago I was talking with my mom about the book I was reading for my second book club, The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  While I was telling my mom about the book she kind of stopped me and told me that she wasn't interested.  When I asked her why she said, "I once read an article that said that a well-read person reads about 5,000 books in my life.  The older I get, the more I realized that I won't have that many more books to read in my life.  I want to make every book count - so I'm picky about books I want to read and that one doesn't seem like one I would want to read."

That really made me think about how much I read.  In order to read 5,000 books by the time I turn 50, I would have to read about 100 books a year every year.  I can tell you that I definitely don't read that many books a year.  So this year I am trying to read more books. 

My first effort to do that is I entered the What's In A Name 4 Book Challenge:

This is my first book challenge, so I think it's good that its a small one.  The way it works is that during the year, I must read one book in each of the following categories:

1. A book with a number in the title
2. A book with jewelry or a gem in the title
3. A book with a size in the title
4. A book with travel or movement in the title
5. A book with evil in the title
6. A book with a life stage in the title

This is my first book challenge, so I think it's good that its a small one.  I have already read one book - Wicked Appetite (Category 5) and I am in the middle of a book that will satisfy Category 3 (The Thin Man).

I've also challenged myself on Goodreads to read 28 books this year. 

One more Christmas Tree Item

This evening I was on the phone talking to Chris' mom (I'll call her B).  We have become close friends since Chris died.  Anyways - I mentioned to her that I had gotten a tree this year, and one thing led to another and we started to talk about the tree Chris and I got.

At the time that Chris died, if you asked me if there was one thing I really wanted - it was that tree.  It was such a symbol of his love for me.  But when we were packing things up, Brenda said that she wanted it.  I thought about protesting, but my mom suggested that 1) Chris having a tree was also important to his mom and so it meant a lot to her also 2) I had no room for a tree 3) it would be kind of petty to argue over a tree.  So I gave in and let them keep the tree.  But I would be lying if I say I never had regrets over that decision.

So while we were on the phone tonight, B says to me, "You know, we should have left that tree with you."  I laughed a little and told her that at the time I really wanted it, but I knew she wanted it too.  I asked B if she and Chris' dad was going to put up the tree and she said she had thought about it.  She paused her, and I held in my breath because I was dreading that she was going to say that she was going to give it away to goodwill or something, but instead she said that she was thinking of giving it to Chris' sister. 

I think Chris would like that because it won't just be his sister enjoying it, but also his new nephew.    That tree deserves to be around the love and innocence that a child brings to the holidays.  I hope that they do get the tree and that they can enjoy it for years to come.

Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

I thought I had posted about this last year, but apparently not, so I thought I would share the story.

I think its a given to say that my mom cannot carry a Christmas tree by herself.  I don't know how many people could (other than the guys at the Christmas tree lot).  My mom also believes that real trees are better than fake trees.  We had a fake tree years and years ago, but it lost all its needles after a few years.  So every year when my sister and I go down for the holidays, we go and pick up a tree for my mom.

Last year my mom came to visit us at Thanksgiving, and then my sister and I didn't head down to my mom's house until Dec. 23rd for Christmas; this meant that my mom couldn't get a tree until the day before Christmas Eve.  So shortly after my sister and I got home, my mom herded us back into her van and we headed to a normal tree lot.  Now my mom had driven by the tree lot the day earlier and had told me on the phone the previous night (not even 24 hours earlier) that there were still plenty of trees and she thought we still had a chance to get a good one.  You can just imagine our surprise when we drove up to where the lot usually is and there was no evidence of it being there.  Seriously, there was nothing there.  Not even a straggler tree branch.  I had a confused puppy look on my face while I said, "I thought you said they were here?"

My mom replied that there was another tree lot near her school, so traipsed back into the van and scooted out that way.  When we got to that lot, we at least managed to find people there.  They were loading the tree packing equipment onto a van, and there were once again no trees.  We apparently weren't the only confused people, because we saw a couple of other cars pull out and people get out and give the confused puppy look. 

We did try to find another tree lot my mom knew about, but all we found were cars parked by last minute shoppers there.  Apparently in NC, many tree lots are staffed by the people who work at the tree farms; so in order for them to be able to spend Christmas with their families, they close their lots down on the 23rd.

So last year we suddenly found ourselves as a family without a tree.  While I guess we could have gone into target and gotten a fake tree, that just didn't appeal to us.  We sat in the van for a few minutes when my sister said, "I think at Borders they sell tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree kits."  We laughed until my mom suddenly sat up straight in her seat, "I have a baby tree in my front yard that kind of looks like that.  I'm going to have to chop it down anyway before it gets too big and destroys the foundation of my house."  So it was decided that we would have Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

We went to the fabric store and bought a remnant piece of blue felt the same color of Linus' blanket and bought a big red ball (my mom has one in her ornament collection, but since we weren't going to be using any other ornaments, we didn't want to dig it out).  We stood the tree up using an unused paper coffee cup with a slit cut in its base.

Need less to say, this was a memorable tree.  Actually, I doubt I will ever be able to forget the year we had the Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  It was truly an awesome tree, and I have to say it made me smile at the holidays more than I had in a while.  While part of me would love to recreate it, the spirit behind it wouldn't be the same.  Instead, this year, my mom, sister, and I made sure to get to the tree lots two days after Thanksgiving and got our tree.  But I also got my own small tree for my apartment to put up this year.  I think the big red ball will go up on that tree to remind me of our Charlie Brown Christmas.

Messy State of Mind

I am horrified to know that today, a cable man will be coming through my messy apartment to set up Vios cable.  Granted, I would probably be even more horrified if I had been the one to make the appointment request - but I wasn't.  The people I rent from decided to switch cable providers - so if I want cable - I have to let the guy through.

But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today.  It's really messy.  It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny.  Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again.  I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).

I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv).  During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc.  Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling.  What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on.  After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do.  If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner.  Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.

While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows.  If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.

So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit.  The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do.  It's a start.  One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf.  I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area.  Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them.  Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'.  When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time.  I haven't opened them since then.  So they all got thrown in the garbage. 

So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week.  If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me.  If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me.  I'll let you know how it goes.

A New Blog

I've been noticing that lately I've been using this blog to really write about processing grief and the steps I have been taking to try to improve my life.  It feels very heavy, but it's been very helpful to me.  But sometimes the heaviness prevents me from adding some of the lighter things in my life.

As you know, I have a love affair with food.  I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me).  Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club.  It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies.  While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.

One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting.  I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.

For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners.  We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays).  Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same.  In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.

Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures.  Molly was game to it.

So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts.  There's no need to change the title.  In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends.  And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture.  So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.

Perspective

This weekend I attended a memorial service at the grief center I used to attend.  I found out about this service from my grief counselor - who encouraged me to go if I felt like it was time to say goodbye.  Well, I'm not sure if I will ever be ready to completely say goodbye to Chris, but I had been thinking about him and moving on lately so it seemed appropriate.  I'm very glad I went.

Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months.  The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews.   The way that they all died ran the gamut as well.  Some deaths were sudden, others not.  But those of us there were all missing these people.

I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months.  Her pain was palpable.  I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier.  This made me realized how far I have come.

Three years ago - that was me.  I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk.  It felt weird laughing or smiling.  It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends.  I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have.  It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.

Today - I still miss him.  I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over.  I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is.  And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace.  I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."

Don't get me wrong - I still have issues.  But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.

Holidays are Coming

The weather has been getting colder, the shops have already put up the Christmas decorations, and my mom has done her Christmas shopping (she likes to do it in October and earlier).  The Holidays are funny for me. In general - I'm a big fan of the holidays.  I love the lights, the food, the jolliness of it all.  November through December - those were my months.

Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first.  I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food.  Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area.  But I think this year it'll be just us.  So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner.  She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom.  It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years. 

Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore).  That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me.  My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school).  My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up.  Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time.  When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold.  It had been all last winter too.  I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't.  So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving).   I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy.  Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon).  So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work.  I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle.  Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes.  That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos.  So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out.  Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again.  This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.

Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga.  But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family.  It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.

First Date Back

A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy.  It was going well, he was smart and nice.  Younger than me.  I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have.  I went along with it though just to see what would happen.

We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet.  I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2."  I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies.  I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed.  Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. 

Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought.  "Oh, no, no, no.  Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible".  So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book).   So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no.  I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks). 

I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died.  This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with.  I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.

Overall, I think the date went fine.   Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to.  Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later).  Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit.  It went well enough that he asked me to go out again.  I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.

It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this".  In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day.  And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways.  That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.   

Then there was the guy factor.  He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy.  I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need.  Unfrotunately not for me.  At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.

I felt bad about it.  It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.

But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me.  I think it'll make things less pressured in the future.  I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again.  I can go at a pace that is good for me.

Finding a groove

At the beginning of this year, I lost my book club.  While I haven't lost the good friends from that club, I really missed the routine of one Sunday a month getting together with these girls, talking about books, eating, and gossiping about all matters of things.

There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring.  Book club was my only real social activity I had left.  Not that I wasn't social.  I get together with friends all the time.  Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left.  I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others.  I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself.  Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser. 

So I found another one.  This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time.  It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.  

My first meeting I was overwhelmed.  It was a lot to take in.  Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting.  It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time.  They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names.  And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history.  For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it. 

Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there.  I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree.  I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a  part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there.  Change is good.

P.S.  If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.