It Almost Didn't Happen...Part Dos

So the other day I wrote about how I didn't want to do my dishes on Monday night, but I did them anyways - and it made my world a better place.

Tuesday night, was my errand night. Visited a new grocery, got rotisserie chicken, did my evening routine, made it to bed before midnight. Despite all this ordinariness, my body decided to oversleep on Wednesday.

I woke up at 7:34 - which meant that I had less than half an hour to get dressed, get packed,and out the door to catch the bus.

My first gut instinct (after blurting out "Oh Frak!") was to turn my covers back so my bed was made. Tuesday night though, I placed my glasses on my night stand so I grabbed those as I headed towards my kitchen. There - I grabbed a breakfast sandwich from the Freezer and my thermos so I could pour myself some milk to bring to work. Then I grabbed my lunch I had prepared the night before and walked towards my front entry way where I deposited that stuff in my bag going to work. I set my timer for 10 minutes and got in the shower. Did that, got dressed in the outifit I set out the night before, and blow-dried my hair. When I got my glasses back on - I noticed that not only had I done this without breaking a sweat, but I still had 10 minutes left before I had to be outside. So I used my Wii Fit to do my mid-week weigh in (I've been doing these to just anticipate what kind of progress I'm making WW wise).

As I headed out the door, it seriously felt like a twilight zone moment. A month ago, I probably would have: spent 10 minutes searching through my covers to find my glasses and my badge (covers would be left all helter skelter - possibly even flung across the room); grabbed some outifit that was lying somewhere around my living room; shower and get dressed without drying my hair; and rush out the door only to discover my bus has just driven by so I would have to drive in - but of course would have to stop back in my apartment to grab my keys.

It's when you have crazy moments like this that you realize how far you have come and what the potential is if you continue on this path. It really has me psyched for these changes I am making in my life.

Buried Treasures

I turned 30 about 2 months after Chris died. At the time, I was obssessed about having the best birthday party because 1) party = fun = happiness = something I needed desperately 2) I needed the destraction of planning something 3)I needed something to remember that year other than grief.

I had an awesome birthday that year. I probably had close to 40 people showed up - it was impossible not to feel loved that night. One of the things I asked my friends to do was write on pieces of papers wishes/messages they had for me, themselves, or whomever.

Well, in my decluttering - I just found these messages. I guess in my grief I just put them aside and buried them in what I currently call my room of doom (that is a different post). I haven't read them before tonight. So I am going to share them with y'all tonight (Don't worry - there aren't 40 messages - just 8)

Wish 1) I wish for Emily to find true happiness with herslef & if God wishes - with another. I hope God wishes - but I do think that its important that I find true happiness with myself first - I'm getting there. This one was unsigned

Wish 2) For Emily - The return of Veronica Mars , For myself - The return of Veronica Mars, For anyone - The return of Veronica Mars Well, we can still hope for the movie - right? I'm pretty sure this was from Roger.

Wish 3) Umm - it's from my friend Adrienne, but I can't decipher her writing except for "This year and the others too." I will bring it to her and get back to you on it, but I'm sure its good.
UPDATE: I just looked at it again - and this time I figured it out. Adrienne says "All will be wonderful,this year and all the others." This makes me think of that Everclear song and makes me smile.

Wish 4) For Emily - A promotion at work, For Myself - To win Tuesday's Mega Millions Jackpot, For Everyone Else - JOY! This is from Julian. This is very sweet of him - I also think that it was awesome that he brought Lemonciello for me that night.

Wish 5) Have a great year There is also a happy face next to it. This one was also unsigned, but unlike all the "Have a Great Year" that people signed in my yearbooks in high school - I'm pretty sure this person meant it.

Wish 6) This one is from Ariel and is 4 everyone (she actually used the number 4)- Life is too short...Tell someone how much they mean to you everyday. This gem is one of the reason why I consider Ariel one of the wisest women I know.

Wish 6b) Here's wishin you'll have good health and peace of mind in 2008! Also from Ariel. Not sure if I had peace of mind in '08, but it's mostly back now. But I do appreciate the sentiment.

Wish 7) My greatest wish for you is that the next 30 years are as awesome as the first 30. This is from Farrasha. Thanks Homey!! Being around her positivity is one of the best parts of my job.

Wish 8) May you always have one special person who makes you laugh and feel extra good about yourself Unsigned. Thankfully I have like a billion and 1 people who do this for me on a regular basis.

Finally, My trip on the Isaac H. Evans

At lunch I was going through my documents and found this "essay" I had written about my trip last summer on the Isaac. H. Evans. The Captain had asked me to write something up to share with a reporter about "Gal-Pal" Trips. In this case, I was taking a Gal-Pal trip with my mom. Anyways - I realized that I hadn't shared my experience about the trip online, so I thought that I would post this. I'll post pictures from the trip tonight.

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My mom and I discovered that we were ideal traveling partners back in 2003. At the time, my mom had recently located to NC after divorcing my dad and I had lost my job as well as a boyfriend. We had also lost our dog and my grandma (my mom’s mom) to cancer. Obviously it hadn’t been a stellar year up to that point. My mom’s a teacher so she had spring break so she suggested that we do a road trip to Charleston, SC and then to Savannah, GA. While my mom and I had a really strong relationship – I remember realizing on this trip how awesome my mom was as a person – not just as my mom.

Fast forward 6 years later.

A lot had happened since that first trip. My old company hired me back (literally a week after I got home from the Charleston trip), but a few years after that I fired them and took a new job. My mom had firmly established a life in NC – where she is beloved teacher at a high school and active in her church. But one of the biggest things that had affected us was that I had found and lost real love. My boyfriend, Chris, died of a stroke just before Christmas of 2007. It was tough on all of us. Of course I was grieving because I had lost the person I had envisioned a future with; but my mom, she had to deal with not only losing someone she had come to think of as a son, but she was also watching me slip away into a grief fueled depression. By May of 2009, we were both exhausted and needing some kind of refreshment.

My mom and I were just having a normal conversation when suddenly she mentioned our trip to Charleston. It was like a light bulb went off in both of our heads and we realized that a trip was what we needed to rejuvenate ourselves. We began to throw out ideas – repeat our trip to Charleston, drive up to Minnesota to see her sisters, make a pilgrimage out to Wisconsin to see our old watercolor instructor. It was my mom who had the idea for Maine. She said it had been a lifelong dream of hers to go. All I knew about Maine was that the blueberries and pointed firs grew there. So my mom, being a teacher, gave us homework – find out more about Maine. We both searched the Maine’s Tourisms Office website – and from the looks of it – it seemed like Maine was a totally chill state that would give us the peace that we needed. I called a Boston friend of mine who loves Maine (almost more than her husband); she squealed at the prospect of me visiting her favorite place in the world and told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to go there - stat. It was my mom who found the link for a “Fireworks Cruise” on the Isaac H. Evans.

We both instantly fell in love with the idea of a windjammer cruise. It would be something new and different for both of us, and it is also very affordable. A four day/3 night trip (including all food and board) ends up being less than $200 per day/person – that’s less than one day in a hotel + restaurants in most cities. I still remember us conference calling the Evans reservation line and being giddy as school girls making our reservations. For the first time in a long time we both had something to really look forward to.

Onto our trip

We drove up to Maine in one day. I don’t know what possessed us to do that. And while it was tough and we got massively lost toward the end of the marathon drive – it was definitely a worthwhile experience. We spent most of the time either talking about things or just sitting comfortably in silence (a first for me). We also had fun trying to map out different routes to where we were going on our car atlas (no Tom Tom for us). We had opted not to take Route 95; instead we travelled through Pennsylvania farmland and the New York mountains (Route 81 and 84). We found a really delightful state park to have a picnic lunch. Both my mom and I were in the middle of reading the book “Blue Highways” and we definitely felt like we were on a blue highway trip of our own.

Our ultimate destination was Rockland, Maine and the Isaac H. Evans. Because the Evans doesn’t load until the evening – we had all day to explore Rockland. Exploring the Farnsworth Art Museum, my mom shared with me her love of Andrew Wyeth art. We then went to get a Lobster Roll (at Linda Bean’s Perfect Lobster Roll – very fresh and delicious). We also visited the puffin visitor center – which convinced us that our next trip to Maine must include a trip to see the puffins in person.

Of course the highlight of this trip was our time on the Isaac H. Evans. My mom and I both have Girl Scout backgrounds and we found that our time on the Evans felt a lot like going to summer camp when were younger. For four days we were living life on the sea with a group of strangers who quickly become your family. Some of the people traveling with us had been on the Evans in years past (or in the case of Bob – several times that season already). They took us newbs under their wings and taught us the way of boat life. The crew and Captain Brenda were like the cool camp counselors who you totally want to be when you grow up.

Coming onto the boat – I thought the hard part would be disconnecting from the modern world. While there is electricity on the boat – you have to use it very sparsely so that the battery doesn’t wear out- so no lap tops, no recharging iPods, and cell phone coverage at its best was a little iffy. This level of disconnect from technology is so rare nowadays –and you don’t realize how restful that is until you are bombarded with it back on land. If you want heat (cause it did get cool out there on the water), you bundle up or hang out around the wood burning stoves (which they also use for cooking). We of course had to help the crew with the raising and lowering of the sails as well as the anchor (what a workout). But this adds to that rustic camp feeling.

There were tons of things to do on the boat. Captain Brenda really embraces a feeling of playfulness on the boat, so in addition to fishing poles there are puzzles, marshmallow guns, pirate regalia, and bubble wands. Plus she and Lil’ John (the first mate) were always challenging us to word games or telling us stories of other trips. One of the passengers even got to play cowboy and lassoed up our stuck lobster trap. You quickly find yourself embracing the kid in your heart.

Of course the grown up in me also had stuff to do. There was plenty of time to read or work on craft projects. It was a very friendly environment for doing things like learning how to use my digital camera. But if you asked me what the one thing I wished I had done on this trip though – I would say that I should asked to help with the cooking. The food on the Evans was top notch and it was all cooked on a wood burning stove and I would have loved to learn to cook on one. Next time I will have to ask if I can help.

I know that one of the problems people run into when traveling together is that they sometimes end up with too much together time. It never felt like that on the Evans. It was really easy for my mom and me to find activities to do separately. We also found it easy to find moments to support each other. I can’t tell you how proud I was watching my mom row Daniel the row boat when we finally anchored the first day – or how much it meant to hear her cheer me on as I was at the pump raising the anchor. There were also the contemplative moments when thoughts of Chris, the memories would hit and my mom would find me and hug me and she would reassure me that everything would be all right – just like she did when I was a little girl. There was something special about the Evans that made this moment happen.

The feeling when we docked was bittersweet. Sweet because we had just had one of the greatest experiences of our lives and bitter because we didn’t want it to end. Before we even got out of the shipyards parking lot, my mom had the “IHE” bumper sticker on the back of our van so the boat would be with us wherever we go. We took advantage of our last day in Maine and we visited various light houses and craft boutiques, but I know that our hearts were yearning to be back on the Evans.

Since getting back – my mom and I talk about the next trip we are going to take on the Evans. It’s not a question of “if”; it’s of “when”. This trip was so refreshing, rejuvenating, and best of all - healing. Since our trip, I have felt more balanced and relaxed with life in general. My mom is talking about doing a “Galpal” trip on the Evans with her oldest friend in the world possibly next summer, while I’m trying to convince multiple friends that we should get a group trip together in two years. But I know that my mom and I will both look for the chance to do this trip together again – it would be a shame not to. Until then– we’ll just have to keep up with Captain Brenda and the Evans online.

It almost didn't happen

Last night was Day 25 of what I am now dubbig Project Shiny sink. It was the 25th day to get all my dishes done before going to bed. And it was a toughy, because for dinner I made Pioneer Woman's Roasted Red Pepper Sauce with Pasta, which possibly dirties every major appliance in my kitchen. You wouldn't think so considering that it only has something like 8 ingredients, but it feels like it does.

By the time I finished making dinner, it was almost 8:30. I was going to sit down and watch Chuck while eating, only to find out that an earlier power outage had turned off my cable box - thus I was recording a blank screen instead of my beloved Chuck (thank goodness my friend/landlord was recording it too so I could transfer a copy from her tivo onto mine). It took me like half an hour to figure out the tv thing (first reboot left nothing but the homeshopping network on). By the time I got everything fixed and ate my dinner - it was 11 o'clock. I was exhausted, and I had my dishes piled in my sink.

I so did not want to do them. I seriously contemplated leaving them for today. But something in my brain told me that I would be stopping my momentum if I stopped today. So reluctantly I did them - and got them done in about 20 minutes. I left them in the rack to dry while finishing up rest of my evening routine. As I was throwing soemthing in my bag for breakfast today - I realized that I had left the tupperware I had used for lunch. So I went back to my sink - unloaded that and cleaned those. It's like a quarter till midnight at this point. I went and finished an email and then came back to finish drying and put away my dishes.

When all was said and done - it was 12:10 when I had finished everything. I was exhausted to the point where I could have slept standing up. But my sink was clean and clear, my lunch was prepped, and I have enough food/leftovers in my fridge to last me rest of this week. This means I won't have to really cook until this weekend - and I'm set on both Saturday and Sunday to be cooking at other peoples' houses. So hopefully no more big dish washign missions this week. For rest of this week - I can concentrate on clearing away rest of the stuff that is in my living area (which is almost done) and maybe start wii'ing again.

This is a great feeling - and one I wouldn't have had if I had left my dishes in my sink last night.

Little Changes

So an update from my WW meeting.

I lost 1.4 pounds. The person who weighed me in said it was great that I've had such good losses the first couple of weeks in the program (I had to get a new tracker booklet so it looks like I'm brand new). I kinda brushed it off saying that "Well, I'm not exactly new to the program - I'm just doing it better this time". Looking back - I shouldn't have been so modest. I should have said "Darn Tootin'!"

When I got home I decided to take my other measurements: bust, waist, hips, thigh, arm. I lost about .25 - .75 inches in all of these except for my bust (lost a full inch) and in my thighs (lost 2 inches).

Can I get a woot woot!!

Finally Decluttering

I think one of hardest mental hurdles I have is letting go of stuff. But it's not like I'm alone in my family in this aspect. My mom can tell you stories about how when my parents got divorced and she was going through everything we had she found boxes of reciepts my dad kept from business trips in the 80's (this was in '02) as well as boxes of fabric that she had bought intending to make dresses for me and my sister, back when we were 5.

I can't exactly tell you why I have some of this stuff. I think a large part of it is the nostalgia factor. We moved around a lot when I was young, thus I don't really have a place that I can consider "Home", instead I have things that I surround myself with that I consider home. Then there is also a part of my brain that says - don't throw it out - you might need it later. The logic that if I don't use it in a year throw it out just hasn't caught up. It's getting there though.

So this weekend I attempted my first declutter project of this whole organization kick. Specifically - I have a desk in the corner of my living space that was meant to hold my computer. But over the last two years it became more of a clutter and dust landing. Instead I had set up my compter so that I could do everything from my bed - a big no no if you talk to any health professional. In addition, the area in front of it had become a magnet for junk. Why not? It's not like I was using the desk.

Needless to say, it was a big task. The dust was really heavy and definitely aggrevated the lungs, but I'm sure this meant that it was aggrevating my lungs just sitting there before. Then there was the decluttering. I started going through a pile of papers and found things like info posters from Jaycee events I did in 2004, emails about upcoming meetings from my previous jobs, and directions to hotels I used years ago. I easily junked those along with the stack of business cards from that previous job.

There was a pile of video tapes gathering dust of some activity my Jaycee chapter used to hold - all of these tapes recorded before I entered the chapter, but I had them becuase I had run the event when I was a Jaycee. Well, I'm not a Jaycee anymore and wasn't particularly interested in them. I saw them earlier this week and knew that I wanted to get rid of them, but wasn't sure if I had the right to dispose them. So I contacted the people I was still in touch with and told them that if no one spoke up for the videos by Feb. 1 that I was going to chuck them. Only one person spoke up and said they already had tapes - thus giving me permission to get rid of them. So into the trash they went.

But then there was my personal nostalgia albatross- my stack of Buffy the Vampire Slayer comics. Back in college I was fanatical about my love for all things Buffy, and had purchased the first 10 issues of her comic. They were sitting in their plastic and everything. The problem is that I don't read comics, but I wasn't sure if I had the heart to just throw them away. So I spent an hour trying to find a shop where I could drop them off. Unfortunately there were no takers - so I finally did what I thought was impossible, I threw them away. In order to prevent me from stealing them back out of the garbage can, immediately after I started cooking dinner, which meant the various vegetable remnants as well as other cooking related trash ended up right ontop of those comics. There was no pulling them out after that.

But I am happy to say that I am now writing this sitting from my desk chair for my new computer/art center (very thankful for thin screens). I even went through the plastic drawer things I have where I stick pens, pencils, paper, cards etc. and threw out writing utensils that didn't work any longer and cards and envelopes that looked totally beaten up and unsuitable for use. I also uncovered a lot of cards that I can use for upcoming holidays - including one that I will send to my mom for Mother's Day.

There was a lot of stuff in this corner. Some of it still hasn't found a home - either in the trash can or on another shelf. It is frustrating that I didn't get through everything, but then realistically I never expected to. I just need to repeat to myself is that I am taking baby steps, which is way better than taking no steps at all.

UPDATE: I just wiped out outside taking 6 pounds of trash that I cleaned up this weekend out to the garbage can (and to fetch my water bottle out of my car). Although it sucks getting all muddy - it felt great to dump that stuff out.

Reconnecting With My Kitchen

Those of you who know me, know that I love to cook. It's a love that I developed way back in high school. At one point in my life I actually thought I wanted to be a chef, although in the past year or so I've realized that cooking is a passion that I wouldn't want combined with my professional life. Anyways - I love cooking.

When Chris first died - I cooked a lot. I was struggling to hold onto my identity (since my identity as Chris' girlfriend was no longer there) - and cooking was one of those things that is intrensically me. So for a period of a couple of months - I was a cooking foo. Then when the deep depression kicked it - it stopped. More or less everything stopped - but that was one of the noticeable things.

My kitchen is kinda like a garden in that it is constantly getting new things and there is an order to it all. Sometimes that order has to be shaken up. But while I was really depressed - I kinda let it all go - like an abandoned garden. I hated even going in there. And right now I am currently reclaiming it from all the wild weeds.

And its been rejuvinating. The key to it has really been the whole shiny sink from FLYlady. It's just a lot easier to cook something if you know that everything you'll need is washed and ready to go - and you can actually use your counter for prep because it isn't covered in dirty dishes or items that just haven't made it to the pantry. I don't have a dishwasher - so washing the dishes is a real chore - but I'm now finding that its taking me a lot less longer to do it all.

But the truth is - I let my dishes back up. You guys are probably saying, "Gross - TMI", but its the truth - and I don't hide from the truth here. While I'm sure I could have finished washing all the backed up dishes in a day - it would have been long and tedious and I probably would have given up half way through. Instead - I've been setting my timer for 15-20 minutes, making the dishes I dirtied the priority, and any time I have left I use to tackle my backup.

Well, last night I did it. I finished cleaning the backed up dishes. It felt great to dry and put away that last dish. And one of the best parts about it - I was able to say to myself that by keeping up with my routine of doing my dishes every night - I will never have a nasty dish backup like that again.

My Current Faves

So I figure that I will make today's entry easy and just list some of my current favorites.

1) Lucini Cherry Balsamic & Rosemary Vinagrette - A couple of months ago I was all gaga about this weight loss program called "The Game." While my enthusiasm for that has decreased, one of the things I discovered was this salad dressing. Part of the Game is to eliminate all sugar products - including sweetners - out of your diet. You can eat natural sweetners from fruit - but that's about it. So when I was serious about doing it - I had to find something yummy to put on my salads. I thought I would be ok using salad spritzers (0 points in the WW world), but when I looked at the label I noticed that sugar/high fructose corn syrup was the #1 ingredient. Whaa?? So one weekend I went looking for a sugar free salad dressing. In general - they are difficult to find. But the Lucini Balsamic & Rosemary Vinagrette is only sweetened with cherry juice. And it is a luscious salad dressing. Seriously. And you don't need a full serving to get the full effect. A serving is 2 Tbspoons - so I half that and add in 1 teaspoon of olive oil (I need 2 tsp of oil a day for WW). I really like it on a salad with just greens, pears, and parmesan.

2) Fruit slicer - Anyone who has braces can tell you that eating fruit like apples and pears whole is not good for your teeth - or at least not when you have braces. I of course had braces way back in the day - and ever since then I have really detested eating fruit whole. I know fruit is good for me, and when I chose to eat apples and pears, I would chop it up so I didn't have to eat it whole - but frankly that is a pain to do all the time. For Christmas my mom gave me a fruit slicer in my stocking - which makes slicing and coring my fruit a breeze. I love it. Since getting my slicer - I think there has only been 1 or 2 days where I haven't sliced up an apple or pear - and that's because I ran out and didn't want to go to the grocery store just before I visited my mom. I totally heart my fruit slicer.

3) Trident Layers Sugar-Free Gum - I've tried the Strawberry/Tangy Citrus and the Sour Apple/Pineapple. Awesome gum. Keeps its flavor and texture for hours. And the package is totally sturdy so the gum doesn't escape and get chewed up by my purse.

4) Glad Mini Containers - These little containers can contain up to 1/2 cup of anything. I like them because it allows me to bring my salad dressing to work separate from the salad (preventing soggy greens). It also great for storing already sliced onions and tomatoes. And because they are mini - They take up very little room in my cupboards and in my bag.

5)My Isaac H. Evans water bottle - There are a millions of waterbottles - and I've tried many, but this is the first one that I've managed to routinely use. I like that a) it's red - my favorite color b) it has a really clear liquid level tracker on the side of the bottle c) a wide mouth so that I could put ice in there if I wanted to and finally d) the strap that connects the lid to the bottle ain't some skinny old thing that will break at any moment. This is a hardy bottle. It also doesn't hurt that it reminds me of the awesome trip I had on the IHE last year.

6) Vinegar - Not only does vinegar give red velvet cake its yummy tang - it is an awsome cleaner. I've been pouring about a cap full into my dish water every night because it helps to eliminate odor from any dishes (specifically plastic dishes) that absorb odor. I also have a spray bottle of vinegar in my shower. I spray some on the side of the shower and it prevents gross buildup on its walls. You can also get soft hair by once a week rinsing your hair with vinegar. Vinegar strips your hair of the mineral buildup that water and conditioner leaves. But just make sure that you rinse your hair with water afterwards - otherwise your hair may smell a little like pickles until you wash it again.

and finally

7) Flax Seed Oil Caplets - I bought these thinking that I could count it toward my oil consumption in WW. Unfortunately no, however since I've been taking them - my hair has become super soft and shiny. It takes a little longer to work than vinegar (see above) but you avoid the sour pickle smell.

Weigh In number 3

This Saturday I had my third weigh in - the second one that would actually measure progress. I had decided to go to my mom's for the long weekend, but since I didn't want to interrupt my new Saturday routine - I left for her house from my meeting.

Anyways - this week I took off 2.4 pounds - for a total of 7 pounds lost. The first time I did WW - it took me a couple of weeks just to take off a pound, probably close to 10 weeks to take off 7 pounds. This time it has just been easier.

I think part of the reason is that I've seen how it works. I've seen how I do better when I track vs. not tracking. I've also seen the benefit of drinking the 2+ liters of water that is required.

I think working on the FLYlady program has also benefitted this process. For the past 18 days - my sink has been empty of dishes when I go to bed. This means that I not only have room to prepare food during the day but that I know where everything is when I need it to prepare something. I even shined my mom's sink when I was there - and my mom noticed what a difference it makes. And because I'm cooking - I'm buying fresher food that I can use in cooking and that tastes better. I'm not having any feelings of food deprevation that I got when I ate at the cafeteria.

This week did have some tough spots. I had brunch at a friends (I drank to much), I had my first cooking club (probably ate too much), and I had happy hour with work people (ate too much fried food). I managed to scrape by the week using all my weekly points. I probably could have done better if I had done more planning and also stood by my ground and not drink/eat what everybody else did.

This definitely rubbed off on me. On the trip to my mom's - before I left I made a cheat sheet of my favorite foods at my favorite places to eat on my way down to her place (seeing that I was traveling during lunch and wasn't eating a big breakfast because of weigh in). I was really shocked seeing some of these points - so instead of stopping at those fast food places, I got apple slices and a fresh sandwich made to my specs at Wawa. That's progress.

Butternut & Spinach Lasagna

So I had some leftover Ricotta cheese from a recipe I made for new years, and since I am being a better me and cooking - I decided that I needed to make something that used it before it went bad in the refrigerator. So I plugged the word ricotta into a couple of recipe websites to see if I could find something that looked good. There were recipes for ricotta bread, ricotta cookies, ricotta cakes, ricotta cheesecakes. Not that these sounded bad, but seeing that I am back on track at WW and I am one of those people with a massive sweet tooth, I decided something savory would be better. Finally found some inspiration though. Someon had posted a recipe for a pumpkin & spinach lasagna (posting that recipe just in case anyone wants to reference it).

My mouth started to water as I read through the ingredient list, but it stopped until 2/3rds the way through. All of a sudden a tomato meat sauce had invaded the imaginary lasagna I had started to assemble in my mind - and my mind wasn't sure if it was going to like it. Too many flavors. I still continued reading through, and sure enough the only review posted commented that when they had made it - the combination of flavors had confused their tastebuds and it wasn't a pleasant experience. That was enough to convince me that this wasn't exactly the recipe I wanted - but that I could build something from here. Since I made pumpkin soup the week, I decided that I would make a lasgna using butternut squash instead.

Emily's Butternut & Spinach Lasagna

This lasgna has 4 main parts: 1)Butternut Squash (or anykind of squash) mash 2)Spinach Ricotta Mixture 3)Bechamel Sauce and 4)Lasagna noodles. I'll go through the recipe by parts. Also - since I am cooking for one - I made half the amount of lasagna compared to most traditional recipes (I actually fit it into a bread pan). Works fantastic for me - but if you are making this for more than 2 people, I would probably suggest doubling the recipe.

Part 1- Butternut Squash mash
Ingredients
- 1 pound butternut squash
- 1 Tbsp. butter
- 1 tsp. cinnamon
- 1 tsp. nutmeg
- salt and pepper to taste (sea salt or kosher salt works)

Get 1 pound of butternut squash, either by buying a whole butternut squash (should actually weigh a little more than 1 pound) or by buying those precut chunks of butternut squash. You apparently can also buy mashed butternut squash in the freezer aisle - but I'm currently on a fresh ingredients kick. Heat oven to 400. If you have the whole squash, put a little olive oil on a paper towel and then rub it over the squash. Take a cooling rack (if you have one) and place it over a cake pan and put it in the oven. Place the squash on rack and then cook for about 1 hour - or until you can slice through the skin of the squash and the insides give no resistance to your knife. That means the squash has roasted and the insides are now mushy (in a good way considering you are mashing them anyways. [Since I bought the whole squash, I'm not sure how long you would need to roast butternut chunks. The recipe I based this on actually steamed their squashthem on top of the stove.] Remove squash from oven. Using a knife, split the butternut squash in half - becareful of steam. Scoop out the fleshy insides from the outside skin and put in a bowl - removing any seeds and strings when you find them. Using your favorite tool for mashing (food processor, potato masher, wooden spoon), start mashing the squash. Then add butter, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Mix together. Add some salt and pepper to season it. Everybody likes a different level of saltiness - so start with a tsp., then taste - and if you don't like it - put in a little more. Just remember though that you will also be seasoning the spinach and the bechamel sauce - so don't go hog wild - because then you will end up with a super salty loaf that not even the dog will eat (yes, this has happened to a meatloaf I made once in high school - consider lesson learned). Put squash mixture to the side.

Part 2 - Spinach & Ricotta mixture
Ingredients
- 1 bag (6 - 10 oz.) of spinach
- 1 medium onion sliced thin'
- 1 container (16 oz.) of Ricotta cheese (reduced fat or fat free works if you want it)
- 4 cloves garlic, minced (pre-minced garlic is awesome in my book)
- 1 Tbsp. olive oil
- 1 tsp ground sage
- 1 tsp. nutmeg
- 1 tsp. thyme
- salt and pepper to taste

Put your ricotta cheese in a bowl and mix in the sage and nutmeg. Put ricotta to the side. In a lare pan - heat the olive oil over medium heat. Then add in the onions and garlic. Cook the onions until soft - and mix in the thyme. Turn down the heat a bit and then pour in the bag of spinach. We want the spinach to wilt but the onions not to burn. Every 2-3 minutes check the pan and stir the spinach so that the spinach on top goes to the bottom and vice versa. In about 8-10 minutes, spinach should be wilted (dark green, but not black). Bring the spinach over to your ricotta, and pour it in. Then mix. The ricotta will begin to melt, but it won't get sticky. Put this to the side.

Part 3) Bechamel Sauce.
- Butter
- Flour
- Milk
- 1 tsp nutmeg
- 1 tsp thyme
- 3 Bay leaves
- Salt & Pepper to taste

The original recipe had its own bechamel sauce (second group of ingredients if you read that recipe), but I wanted to do something lighter because of Weight Watchers. Thankfully my mom bought me for Christmas last year what is the equivalent to the Joy of Cooking for Weight Watchers. It has a Bechamel recipe that is only 3 points per serving (The lasgna calls for 2 servings altogether). I used that recipe. But because it is a WW recipe - I'm not sure I can post the exact ratio of Butter, Flour, & Milk because I don't want someone from the program to see that I posted the WW recipe and then sue me and get me kicked out of the program. So my recommendation is that you find a basic Bechamel recipe and use that as a base. I made 1 cup of sauce. In addition to your base Bechamel sauce, add in the nutmeg, thyme, and bayleaves as soon as you have poured in all the milk. Stir on low constantly until it gets thick and starts to boil. Your sauce is done then. Pour it into a liquid measureing cup - and you can choose to run the sauce through a small strainer at this point so that you remove any spice leaves, but I was lazy and left everything in. If you have issues finding a Bechamel recipe, let me know and I can help you find one.

Part 4- Lasagna Noodles
Ingredients
- 6 regular lasagna noodles
- 2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
- butternut squash mash
- spinach ricotta mixture
- bechamel sauce

I don't trust the no pre-cook lasgna noodles. I think that its hard to get find the right amount of sauce that will bake the no-cook lasagna and not overwhelm your dish. Often times the lasagnas end drier than you want. So boil water and then cook noodles according to directions. It is ok for them to be a little al dente because they will cook a little more in the lasagna.

Time for assembly. Preheat your oven to 350. Take a large bread pan and spray it with cooking spray so the pasta won't later stick. Lay two noodles side by side lengthwise. Then spoon in the butternut squash mixture. Even it out over the noodles. Then evenly pour 1/3 cup Bechamel sauce. Layer on two more noodles. Spoon out and spread evenly half the spinach ricotta mixture. Sprinkle evenly 1 cup mozzarella cheese. Evenly pour over that 1/3 cup Bechamel sauce. Spoon out and spread evenly the other half of the spinach ricotta mixture. Lay down the last two lasagna noodles. Evenly pour the remaining Becahmel sauce over the noodles. Then sprinkle the remaining cup of mozzarella cheese. Stick that sucka in the oven for about 30 minutes. When the timer is up, turn off the oven but keep the lasagna in there for another 30 mintues. Remove and serve. Either immediately - or the next day for lunch in my case. It's very DELISH!

Going Good so Far

So like I said in a previous post - I'm not really doing resolutions this year. However, I am trying to be a better me and re-energizing myself about Weight Watchers and also trying out this FLYlady program to help me with my organization. You are probably saying, "Emily you big goof, those are resolutions." My theory is, we all say we are going to resolve to do something more at the new year and then the expectation is that we will go at it for a month or so and then stop - and that's ok because no one ever keeps resolutions. I guess that is a big assumption - but I think most people expect to be breaking their resolutions at some point. But I don't want to break these things - and I think calling them resolutions would put too much pressure on doing them perfect. And I know I'm not going to do them perfect, so instead I am just going to do them better.

I did go back to my second meeting at the new WW location. Last week with bringing my breakfast and lunch all week as well as doubling (possibly tripling) my water intake - I lost 4.6 pounds. I imagine a lot of that is water weight though, but still nothing to sneeze at. However I may have put those 4.6 pounds back on though with brunch at a Super K's (her new name in my blog) and the inaguaral meeting of the Vixens in the Kitchen cooking club, however I made sure to track as well as I could and I still had some weekly points left at the end of Sunday to get me through rest of the week - so I'm hoping I did ok.

Part of what made this possible is this FLYlady process. It got me to take care of one specific corner of my apartment (my kitchen sink) and now its spreading to other areas of my apartment. And while my apartment is no where near where it should be, I feel like I am making strides every night. Keeping my sink shiny forces me not to procrastinate on doing the dishes, which in turn keeps my counters clear (and I don't have a lot of counter) which then allows me to cook both on the weekend or during the week, which means I have food ready to go to pack in my lunches for work, which saves me money. Having that little bit of organized space also helps to keep my mind organized. Now I'm doing things like setting my clothes out for the next day - which shortens prep time in the morning and allows me to do stuff like put on makeup before I leave in the morning. And I'm not overwhelmed when I get home in the evening. I know that I have stuff that I have to do (prep my lunch, 15 minutes declutter, run a cycle of laundry, shine my sink) and things I need to do (I limit to 1 every night), and things that I can do (if I have the time or energy). The one challenge is that the program seems like it is written by people who 1)Have families/partners who can lend help and 2)get to stay at home for the jobs (cause being a stay at home mom is a job in and of itself) which means that they may have more time at home to do things at the house than I do 3) have a dishwasher. I just have to work at really figuring out a routine that works for me.

And I think a key to this working is that I am sharing what I am doing with people. Not only have I been sharing stuff with this blog every day (and which everybody's comments have been appreciated), but I have been calling my mom every night and we share the good things that happened in our day. We talk for only 20 minutes (opposed to our 60-90 minute conversations that happen when I only call once a week). Its a good break - and she gives me awesome encouragement, and I think she feels the same.

So here is my progress for the new year. I imagine things can only go up from here.

Age

In general, I don't like to think of myself as old. I'm 31 - about a month and a half from 32. Considering that we currently live in an age where people are having babies in their late 30's and beyond - I don't think that I can even biologically consider myself old. Fat, yes. Old, No.

And I have to say, I think I tend to carry myself as being younger than I am. Not saying this is a good or bad thing. But I regularly have people express their surprise when I tell them that I'm in my 30's. Just last year I had a teenager express her dismay to her mom that I was able to drink and she wasn't. She apparently thought that I was 19. In my book - that's pretty darn great (although I will take the Margarita, thank you very much).

This year is kinda different, in two ways.

1) I had always told myself that I would be married and have a child before I turned 32, which was the age my mom was when she had me. Of course when I had set this goal - I don't think fertility treatments were what they are today - and I was pretty convinced that I would have met and married Mr. Right by now. Considering I have a month and a week until I turn 32 - I'm guessing that won't happen. I'm more or less ok with not achieving this. One of the things I learned during my parents divorce is that part of the reason my parents got together was that they felt like they were passing the point where it wouldn't be practical to have children and that they thought each other would make good parents. Not necessarily good spouses. I want someone who is my partner when I have kids - cause from what I've seen - raising kids is a team sport (in most cases - some people have successfully made it an individual sport), and so team chemistry is a must. I also know that I'm still trying to find myself, and I don't know if I could do that if I had a child. I know that people say that you are never truly ready to have a child, but I would like to think that I was a little more prepared than I am now if I had one.

2) January 3rd was Chris birthday, and when he died - he was just 13 days away from turning 32. So as of the first week of February - I will have outsurvived him. I know technically I have currently lived 2 plus years with him gone, but this is different. I'll finally be achieving something that Chris will never have the opportunity to do - see 32. I have to confess that I kinda hope that when I hit the great beyond, I want to be reunited with him; and I fear that as I grow older - he won't recognize me. If you've read Twilight - you know that Bella doesn't like the fact that while she grows older, Edward is always going to be 17 and so she rather join him in vampire life younger than older. By no means am I saying that I want to join Chris now in heaven. I want to at least live long enough to see the last of the Harry Potter and Twilight movies, and preferribly much longer past that. But I do get where Bella is coming from. I don't know if I will always have this desire to be reunited - that may change if/when I meet someone new and/or if/when I have a child of my own, but right now I've been thinking about this. I also wonder if his sister thinks about it too. We're the same age, and so this happens to her this year too. But I don't think I'm going to ask her.

And while these two things are not exactly the happiest thoughts on earth, I still carry around hope. If I didn't, I wouldn't be trying to get my life in order this year. I wouldn't be putting myself through Weight Watcher's convinced that if I stick with the program - I will give myself a better quality of life. And I'm thinking that at 32 - I am just getting started.

Soda Pop Math

This week I have brought lunch and breakfast to work everyday and I have not spent any money at the cafeteria or the little snack shop. Last year, I normally bought my breakfast and lunch here at work - and in general I bought a 20 oz. soda each time I went down so that I was drinking about 40 oz. of diet soda just at work. We won't go into my home habits. This week I limited myself to one 12 oz. can of diet coke that I brought from home - other than that I use the watercooler and either drink water straight up or make tea. When I buy soda at work it's $1.50, whereas my soda from ranges between 33 cents to 42 cents a can - (depending on the case I got it from) - so lets say my soda is about 40 cents. So...last year I spent about $15 a week in soda at work, this year I have spent $2. I've saved $13 in soda. If I do this rest of the year - I can save $676 in soda alone. Nutso. I've never thought about it like this before.

I need to go drink some water.

A well deserved break

We are seven days into the new year and currently all systems are go. Both of my sinks are shining, I've pretty much stayed on plan in WW, and I'm checking things off on my work to-do list. So tonight I took a break because man, I'm tired. This means that I cracked opened my new Glee DVD (thanks Leanne), dragged out the home foot spa and painted my little piggies pink, and enjoyed my last half of cheesecake from Sunday (yum, red velvet cheesecake - this is why we have weekly allowances from WW).

I think in order for my new outlook on routine, I am going to have to work in set breaks for me - otherwise I'm going to burnout. So Thursday is going to be my pamper me night. Manis, Pedis, masks, and Grey's Anatomy will be on the agenda. I'm also going to allow myself Monday night from 8-9 off so I can watch Chuck. I'll just have to catch up on my other shows on the weekend.

The other thing I have to work on is the listing of my routines. The one thing that I've noticed about FLYlady is that her routines are built mostly around households with multiple family members. The default routine is very morning centric, which can be tricky for me because I am so not a morning person. I may have to move somethings around. But then I guess that is the beauty of the system - I can mix and match and make what works for me.

Moms know best

I've been calling my mom every night to give her a WW and FLYlady update because it makes her happy. Anyways - I told her about the cupcake incident earlier in the day and that I can't find anyone to share my cupcakes with, which is when she threw out - just freeze them and bring them when you visit me in 2 weeks. I asked what to do about the frosting and she said just to leave them frosting free - essentially making them muffins. This is why I love my mom so much!!

Cupcake Crisis

I've been trying to post after work, but something just happened that I had to write about.

I went to a New Years party on Friday and made these delicious cupcakes. And unfortunatley I had to make a double batch because I accidently bought the jumbo sized cupcake liners so the first batch only made 9 cupcakes - and you can't just bring 9 cupcakes to a party - you need to bring at least a dozen. Anyways -being that they are jumbo sized - I could only fit 12 with me - so I was left with the last 9. Here's my thinking - I can bring a couple to work and split them with the girls (who LOVE cupcakes, especially chocolate cupcakes rest of the year). I don't even want them to eat a whole cupcake - a quarter would be great.

Nobody is biting. And that is driving me CRAZY. I know - I should be understanding. But I have issues with people saying, "I ain't going to be eating no more sugar rest of the year because I was so bad this holiday." Meanwhile they are chugging starbuck lattes and eating regular sized candy canes like no tomorrow. Anyways - I finally cracked and said something snarky about the candy canes to a co-worker. I'm thinking we won't be eating lunch again for a while.

I get it - I really do. I probably would do the same thing. Actually, what I would do is say, "Maybe later." and then just conveniently not come by. Because I don't want to offend their feelings by not trying their creation. But maybe its because for me - cooking is so personal and I want people to love everything I make. So I'm taking it personally that they would rather eat a candy cane or starbucks and claim that they aren't eating any more sugar when in fact they are.

I at least am laying it out front. I'm eating my cupcakes, just in small doses. Very small doses. Problem is - its going to take a lot of little small doses to get rid of all these cupcakes. And since they are my creations that I poured lots of love into (I even cried when I wasn't sure if they were going to come out right because of their jumboness) - I can't just throw them away. My cupcakes are big and I'm big - and rejecting them because of their jumboness is like the people who look right through me because of my bigness. Oy.

Anybody want to help me, preferribly by eating cupcakes.

Baked with love

To put things gently, I have a tendency to keep things. A lot of things. At one point I said to my friend, "I'm worried that I may be one of those hoarders on tv." She told me that I had nothing to worry about because unlike them - I realize that things are messy and start to do something about it on my own. I can't decide if that's really comforting.

I ended up keeping a lot of things when Chris died. There were all the gifts I got him for Christmas. Then the gifts he got me. There were the ornaments to the Christmas tree. There were some movies that were sentimental. His mom sent half his pantry home with me. And there were about 8 bags of clothes.

Yes, clothes, ranging from button down shirts, t-shirts, socks, etc. At the time I was desperate for his scent. At the urging of my therapist, I actually took one of his shirts and sealed it in a plastic baggie in order to preserve that (it's not mentally healthy to do that if the person is alive though). By now the only thing that shirt smells like is that bag. And I think for the first year after he died, I was wearing something of his everyday.

So I'll bring you to yesterday. I decided to make bread. Important thing when making bread is that at a couple of points you let the bread sit and rise. To do this, you have to cover it up with some kind of cloth so that the bread can breathe but that it also doesn't catch a draught. Most recipes call for a dish cloth, but unfortunately mine were all in use. So what to do. It was then that I remembered that I have all these undershirts from Chris. They've been sitting clean in a drawer for almost a year now, and I figure that they will be ideal because undershirt fabric is designed for wearers skin to breathe but thick enough to keep other things out. So I grab a shirt and a knife and rip it at the seams. My main thought is - isn't this resourceful.

It of course worked like a charm (the actual bread recipe is another matter). So I'm telling my mom about my cleverness. To my surprise, my mom says, "That is really just so sweet. It's like a little bit of Chris was hugging your bread and keeping it warm." This is unexpected because in general my mom usually doesn't bring him up, especially in such a sentimental way. Usually its something that I mention.

I like my mom's thought. I like that my mom brought it up, but the thing that makes me happier is that it wasn't my first thought.

I'm finally at the point where I am ready for these things just to be my things, and not reminders of him. The things I want to keep are the things that I have great uses for - like his socks are excellent for wearing with boots because the prevent them from chafing my legs, and I love wearing some of his bigger t-shirts as pajamas. But I know that one day these socks will wear out and I will have to throw them away or that when I finally start dating again - I will probably have to get rid of many of these "other guy" clothes because it'll just be too weird to keep them. It's been a long time coming to this point, and at times I never thought I would get here, but its a relief to know that I have made it. Because I'm finally getting to the point where I am really ready to move on.

Water. Part Deux

I think I wrote about water back in 2008. Back then I wasn't getting enough. The truth is I'm still not getting enough.

I get daunted by the fact that at a minimum I should be drinking 6 glasses of water and ideally that number should be 8. That is a lot. I'm not even sure if I drink that much liquid daily anyways. But lately I've been feeling really dehydrated.

So this week at WW, the whole theme is goals and at the meeting we actually had to come up with acheivable short term and long term goals. So I decided Water consumption needs to be my goal. Specifically - that I will drink 4 glasses of water at home daily for a week. The point of this goal is to get me in the habit of drinking it at home, making sure that I refill my brita filter, yada yada.

So one of the things I'm doing is making sure that I have a glass of water beside my bed whenever I go to bed and that I drink it before I fall asleep. This is something I have actually picked up from my old boyfriends. They both used to do this. I don't know if its a guy thing - like they know that the night makes people super parched or what. Chris would fill up one of those big plastic water bottles to the top, and by the morning the water would be mostly gone or completely gone. Evil Mike on the other hand, filled regular glasses and then placed said glasses on top of my wooden nightstand sans a coaster - ruining the top of said nightstand. While I don't think I can drink a whole water bottle of water like Chris, I've made sure that I put my glass on top of a coaster unlike Evil Mike.

So far I've made it through the first day. Onto day 2 of the great water challenge.

Cindarelly

Back in high school I did this sumer architecture boot camp for teens that helped me realize that I really didn't want to be an architect. One of the assignments was to take a random architecture based clip art pic and write about it. Basically writing a blog entry. I chose a picture of a building in Tours France. Ok - the picture I just linked to is actually way prettier than the one I used - but then the only copy of I have of the one I used is a Black and White (and I thank this picture owner for letting me link to her picture.) Anyways, here is what I wrote

Cinderella's House -- Did you ever wonder why Cinderalla never complained about cleaning her house? She never told her wicked stepmother, "No, I will not wash all the windows today!" She never would ask her wicked stepmother to buy her a hoover vacuum cleaner for her birthday so that cleaning the floor would be easier. WHAT KIND OF GIRL WAS SHE? But I guess with a house like hers, she would want to keep it clean so she could invite over lots of important guese, like princes. Who knows, maybe she likes cleaning her great big house. It may have been a great stress reliever. At night she could lay down in her bed of straw and say, "It was my cleaning that makes this house shine so bright." What else would a girl who talked to mice say.

1) This is obviously based on the Disney Cinderella and not the kick ass Drew Barrymore Cinderella from Ever After. 2) I had some bad grammar in the original - so I've (hopefully) corrected it here 3) Explains a lot about my cleaning philosophy.

Not that I want to keep this cleaning philosophy. I would like to have lots of important guests over, like princes but more likely my friends and fam. It's something that I have decided to work on this year. Thanks to my friend Susan, I am going to try using this plan called FLYlady. It's kinda like Weight Watchers but for organizing yourself.

So far it has my kitchen sink is really shiny.

Begin Now

Well, my new years eve wasn't what I planned. After a bunch of peoples' urging - I ended up driving to Seneca State Park in Maryland with some friends to visit the light show there and then had dinner. We were back home by 10:30 - and I quickly feel into the deep sleep of a food coma and 1) Missed the ball being dropped 2) Missed eating my 12 grapes at midnight to give me good luck and 3) Didn't get a single cupcake ready for the party (at same friends' house). That means today I was a cooking fiend, trying to get ready some Fancy Mac and Cheese as well as the Cherry Chocolate Cupcakes. The recipes I used were from The Pioneer Woman's blog - technically the Tasty Kitchen site. At one point I did call my mom crying because I was having a cupcake crisis. I had bought the jumbo size paper liners and it was taking the cupcakes FOREVER to bake. She basically said , "Get a Hold of yourself woman! It's just a cupcake." Anyways - I ended up salvaging them and they ended up pretty good. One woman liked them so much that she hugged me. The mac and cheese was awesome too. Like cheese fondue on pasta. Yummy!

I have really grown to love Pioneer Woman's website this last year, but I do realize that if I ever hope to start losing weight again - I got to be careful about how many of her recipies or Tasty Kitchen recipies I embark on. I think I need to limit it to maybe 1 or 2 a week. Unless its like a heart healthy recipie or something like that. Seriously go check out Tasty Kitchen.


Anyways - I'm not really doing resolutions this year. I have likes though. I would like to cook more this year, and I would like to get back on the WW bandwagon. And I would like to get organized. So for the WW thing - its been really hard since they cancelled most of the 7 pm meetings. The ones they do offer are with a leader that I really don't like (yeah - I said it - I'm not a Wayne fan). Anyways - its been really hard trying to arrange my work schedule to get out in time to get to WW. But for some reason this week - I checked out the local area schedules again and found that my favorite leader (Barbara aka Fruit Lady) actually does a relatively local meeting in Falls Church on Saturday mornings. So I'm going to try to start going to those starting tomorrow. Well I guess technically today.

For the organization thing - I am going to try out FLYlady.net. My friend Susan mentioned something about it on facebook the other day and it intrigued me. So there you go. I am now FLYbaby Emtifahp.

Another like I want to do is that I want to blog more. So I'm going to set out some time in every evening to blog before bed.

And so that is how my 2010 is beginning.