Monday, January 11, 2010


In general, I don't like to think of myself as old. I'm 31 - about a month and a half from 32. Considering that we currently live in an age where people are having babies in their late 30's and beyond - I don't think that I can even biologically consider myself old. Fat, yes. Old, No.

And I have to say, I think I tend to carry myself as being younger than I am. Not saying this is a good or bad thing. But I regularly have people express their surprise when I tell them that I'm in my 30's. Just last year I had a teenager express her dismay to her mom that I was able to drink and she wasn't. She apparently thought that I was 19. In my book - that's pretty darn great (although I will take the Margarita, thank you very much).

This year is kinda different, in two ways.

1) I had always told myself that I would be married and have a child before I turned 32, which was the age my mom was when she had me. Of course when I had set this goal - I don't think fertility treatments were what they are today - and I was pretty convinced that I would have met and married Mr. Right by now. Considering I have a month and a week until I turn 32 - I'm guessing that won't happen. I'm more or less ok with not achieving this. One of the things I learned during my parents divorce is that part of the reason my parents got together was that they felt like they were passing the point where it wouldn't be practical to have children and that they thought each other would make good parents. Not necessarily good spouses. I want someone who is my partner when I have kids - cause from what I've seen - raising kids is a team sport (in most cases - some people have successfully made it an individual sport), and so team chemistry is a must. I also know that I'm still trying to find myself, and I don't know if I could do that if I had a child. I know that people say that you are never truly ready to have a child, but I would like to think that I was a little more prepared than I am now if I had one.

2) January 3rd was Chris birthday, and when he died - he was just 13 days away from turning 32. So as of the first week of February - I will have outsurvived him. I know technically I have currently lived 2 plus years with him gone, but this is different. I'll finally be achieving something that Chris will never have the opportunity to do - see 32. I have to confess that I kinda hope that when I hit the great beyond, I want to be reunited with him; and I fear that as I grow older - he won't recognize me. If you've read Twilight - you know that Bella doesn't like the fact that while she grows older, Edward is always going to be 17 and so she rather join him in vampire life younger than older. By no means am I saying that I want to join Chris now in heaven. I want to at least live long enough to see the last of the Harry Potter and Twilight movies, and preferribly much longer past that. But I do get where Bella is coming from. I don't know if I will always have this desire to be reunited - that may change if/when I meet someone new and/or if/when I have a child of my own, but right now I've been thinking about this. I also wonder if his sister thinks about it too. We're the same age, and so this happens to her this year too. But I don't think I'm going to ask her.

And while these two things are not exactly the happiest thoughts on earth, I still carry around hope. If I didn't, I wouldn't be trying to get my life in order this year. I wouldn't be putting myself through Weight Watcher's convinced that if I stick with the program - I will give myself a better quality of life. And I'm thinking that at 32 - I am just getting started.

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