This evening I was on the phone talking to Chris' mom (I'll call her B). We have become close friends since Chris died. Anyways - I mentioned to her that I had gotten a tree this year, and one thing led to another and we started to talk about the tree Chris and I got.
At the time that Chris died, if you asked me if there was one thing I really wanted - it was that tree. It was such a symbol of his love for me. But when we were packing things up, Brenda said that she wanted it. I thought about protesting, but my mom suggested that 1) Chris having a tree was also important to his mom and so it meant a lot to her also 2) I had no room for a tree 3) it would be kind of petty to argue over a tree. So I gave in and let them keep the tree. But I would be lying if I say I never had regrets over that decision.
So while we were on the phone tonight, B says to me, "You know, we should have left that tree with you." I laughed a little and told her that at the time I really wanted it, but I knew she wanted it too. I asked B if she and Chris' dad was going to put up the tree and she said she had thought about it. She paused her, and I held in my breath because I was dreading that she was going to say that she was going to give it away to goodwill or something, but instead she said that she was thinking of giving it to Chris' sister.
I think Chris would like that because it won't just be his sister enjoying it, but also his new nephew. That tree deserves to be around the love and innocence that a child brings to the holidays. I hope that they do get the tree and that they can enjoy it for years to come.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Charlie Brown Christmas Tree
I thought I had posted about this last year, but apparently not, so I thought I would share the story.
I think its a given to say that my mom cannot carry a Christmas tree by herself. I don't know how many people could (other than the guys at the Christmas tree lot). My mom also believes that real trees are better than fake trees. We had a fake tree years and years ago, but it lost all its needles after a few years. So every year when my sister and I go down for the holidays, we go and pick up a tree for my mom.
Last year my mom came to visit us at Thanksgiving, and then my sister and I didn't head down to my mom's house until Dec. 23rd for Christmas; this meant that my mom couldn't get a tree until the day before Christmas Eve. So shortly after my sister and I got home, my mom herded us back into her van and we headed to a normal tree lot. Now my mom had driven by the tree lot the day earlier and had told me on the phone the previous night (not even 24 hours earlier) that there were still plenty of trees and she thought we still had a chance to get a good one. You can just imagine our surprise when we drove up to where the lot usually is and there was no evidence of it being there. Seriously, there was nothing there. Not even a straggler tree branch. I had a confused puppy look on my face while I said, "I thought you said they were here?"
My mom replied that there was another tree lot near her school, so traipsed back into the van and scooted out that way. When we got to that lot, we at least managed to find people there. They were loading the tree packing equipment onto a van, and there were once again no trees. We apparently weren't the only confused people, because we saw a couple of other cars pull out and people get out and give the confused puppy look.
We did try to find another tree lot my mom knew about, but all we found were cars parked by last minute shoppers there. Apparently in NC, many tree lots are staffed by the people who work at the tree farms; so in order for them to be able to spend Christmas with their families, they close their lots down on the 23rd.
So last year we suddenly found ourselves as a family without a tree. While I guess we could have gone into target and gotten a fake tree, that just didn't appeal to us. We sat in the van for a few minutes when my sister said, "I think at Borders they sell tiny Charlie Brown Christmas tree kits." We laughed until my mom suddenly sat up straight in her seat, "I have a baby tree in my front yard that kind of looks like that. I'm going to have to chop it down anyway before it gets too big and destroys the foundation of my house." So it was decided that we would have Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
We went to the fabric store and bought a remnant piece of blue felt the same color of Linus' blanket and bought a big red ball (my mom has one in her ornament collection, but since we weren't going to be using any other ornaments, we didn't want to dig it out). We stood the tree up using an unused paper coffee cup with a slit cut in its base.
Need less to say, this was a memorable tree. Actually, I doubt I will ever be able to forget the year we had the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It was truly an awesome tree, and I have to say it made me smile at the holidays more than I had in a while. While part of me would love to recreate it, the spirit behind it wouldn't be the same. Instead, this year, my mom, sister, and I made sure to get to the tree lots two days after Thanksgiving and got our tree. But I also got my own small tree for my apartment to put up this year. I think the big red ball will go up on that tree to remind me of our Charlie Brown Christmas.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Messy State of Mind
I am horrified to know that today, a cable man will be coming through my messy apartment to set up Vios cable. Granted, I would probably be even more horrified if I had been the one to make the appointment request - but I wasn't. The people I rent from decided to switch cable providers - so if I want cable - I have to let the guy through.
But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today. It's really messy. It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny. Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again. I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).
I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv). During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc. Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling. What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on. After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do. If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner. Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.
While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows. If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.
So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit. The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do. It's a start. One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf. I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area. Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them. Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'. When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time. I haven't opened them since then. So they all got thrown in the garbage.
So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week. If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me. If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me. I'll let you know how it goes.
But seriously - I am horrified by the state of my apartment today. It's really messy. It's hard to believe that at various points this year I had the apartment pretty shiny. Not that I can't get it back to the shiny state again. I mean - that is definitely a goal of mine (even though right now it seems like a pretty lofty one at that).
I find what works best for me is setting my timer for 5-10 minutes (10 minutes max, otherwise I get bored and wander off and do dumb stuff like just watch tv). During that time, I sit in an area and I start sorting through things: Recycling, Trash, Bathroom, Kitchen, Laundry, etc. Sometimes I set a specific theme - like pick up all the recycling. What I find is that I can really focus on the task for that amount of time and when the timer goes off, I'm indignant that it interrupted my focus so I continue on. After a couple of timer rounds, I'm usually done with what I set out to do. If I haven't finished, I'm usually at the frustration point with that corner. Instead of throwing up my hands and giving up - I'll just shift to another part of the apartment.
While this works, I haven't really been doing that lately, and it shows. If I keep up with this - I would have a much neater apartment.
So yesterday I made an attempt to get things cleaned out a bit. The cable guy won't notice what I've done, but I do. It's a start. One thing I did tackle (which probably wasn't necessary for the cable guy - but I felt necessary for me) was I cleaned off my cookbook shelf. I was beginning to just stuff any old items in it and it was a disaster area. Meanwhile, I wasn't getting my cookbooks or my cooking magazines back in them. Part of the cleaning it out was throwing away the cooking magazines that used to be Chris'. When he died, his mom was just going to throw them out - but I think I was so desperate for something to hang onto - I took them, saying that I would cook out of them all the time. I haven't opened them since then. So they all got thrown in the garbage.
So I am setting a goal for me this week - to play this game (because it really does feel like a game) for 30 minutes a day each day this week. If I go over the 30 minutes - Bully for me. If I don't get my 30 minutes - shame on me. I'll let you know how it goes.
Friday, November 12, 2010
A New Blog
I've been noticing that lately I've been using this blog to really write about processing grief and the steps I have been taking to try to improve my life. It feels very heavy, but it's been very helpful to me. But sometimes the heaviness prevents me from adding some of the lighter things in my life.
As you know, I have a love affair with food. I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me). Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club. It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies. While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.
One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting. I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.
For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners. We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays). Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same. In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.
Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures. Molly was game to it.
So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts. There's no need to change the title. In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends. And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture. So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.
As you know, I have a love affair with food. I consider food one of the happier things in my life (not necessarily what it does to me). Earlier this year I attempted to start a cooking club. It continued for a couple months until I got really sick with allergies. While I love the idea of a cooking club, I don't know if any of the other members were as passionate about it - and there hasn't really been a big outcry about why we haven't met.
One of the coolest things about the club was the Vixens in the Kitchen blog, where we were going to post about what we made for each meeting. I read a lot of food blogs, and while I don't dare dream that it would be as awesome as say The Pioneer's Woman blog, I was super excited to be contributing to the online food community. While I made it available to all the cooking club members to post in, I remained the only poster.
For awhile, my sister Molly has mentioned that she has thought about blogging about our weekly dinners. We call these dinners Sister Sunday Suppers (because they mostly happen on Sundays). Since my sister belongs to a CSA (crop share), we have been introduced to a ton of different fruits and vegetables and no meal has been the same. In a way - we are our own mini-cooking club.
Since the Vixens in the Kitchen blog was just languishing untouched, I suggested to her that we use that blog to talk about Sister Sunday Supper and all our other culinary adventures. Molly was game to it.
So once again, Vixens in the Kitchen has live posts. There's no need to change the title. In fact, the title gives us flexibility to talk about all the cooking experiences we share with any of our female friends. And it's really nice knowing that I have an active partner in these venture. So please feel free to add Vixens in the Kitchen to your blog reading list.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Perspective
This weekend I attended a memorial service at the grief center I used to attend. I found out about this service from my grief counselor - who encouraged me to go if I felt like it was time to say goodbye. Well, I'm not sure if I will ever be ready to completely say goodbye to Chris, but I had been thinking about him and moving on lately so it seemed appropriate. I'm very glad I went.
Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months. The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews. The way that they all died ran the gamut as well. Some deaths were sudden, others not. But those of us there were all missing these people.
I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months. Her pain was palpable. I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier. This made me realized how far I have come.
Three years ago - that was me. I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk. It felt weird laughing or smiling. It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends. I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have. It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.
Today - I still miss him. I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over. I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is. And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace. I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."
Don't get me wrong - I still have issues. But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.
Many people who attended the service had lost their loved ones in the last 12-15 months. The people they lost were parents, brothers/sisters, sons/daughters, colleagues, best friends, neices/nephews. The way that they all died ran the gamut as well. Some deaths were sudden, others not. But those of us there were all missing these people.
I sat next to a woman who had lost her daughter in the last 6 months. Her pain was palpable. I really wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her it would get easier. This made me realized how far I have come.
Three years ago - that was me. I didn't know what to do, other than cry and talk. It felt weird laughing or smiling. It was easier to talk to strangers than my friends. I felt overwhelmed by everything and wanting nothing but what I could no longer have. It was a sad and lonely place, even surrounded by my friends and family.
Today - I still miss him. I think about Chris, my heart aches for a bit, and then that moment is over. I'm more at peace with what happened - knowing that it is what it is. And I wanted to give all those other people in that room a little bit of that peace. I wanted to say to them, "You won't forget them, but you will learn how to get through."
Don't get me wrong - I still have issues. But they are baby issues that I now know I can get through.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Holidays are Coming
The weather has been getting colder, the shops have already put up the Christmas decorations, and my mom has done her Christmas shopping (she likes to do it in October and earlier). The Holidays are funny for me. In general - I'm a big fan of the holidays. I love the lights, the food, the jolliness of it all. November through December - those were my months.
Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first. I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food. Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area. But I think this year it'll be just us. So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner. She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom. It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years.
Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore). That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me. My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school). My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up. Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time. When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold. It had been all last winter too. I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't. So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving). I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy. Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon). So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work. I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle. Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes. That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos. So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out. Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again. This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.
Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga. But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family. It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.
Anyways - so Thanksgiving is first. I normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom and my sister - and we make way too much food. Sometimes we invite other people who are without family but will be in the area. But I think this year it'll be just us. So I suggested to my sister that instead of doing a formal dinner - that maybe we try something like a Tapas dinner. She seems on-board, now we just need to convince mom. It's not really a hard thing to do - we haven't really had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner in years.
Not even the last Thanksgiving when we were a whole family with my dad (fyi- he's not dead, he's just not part of the family anymore). That was at the end of my first year in DC and I couldn't get the time to fly down to Houston, so everyone came up to me. My mom had flown to Durham and driven up with my sister (who was in her first year at NC State for grad school). My dad had decided to drive up from Houston and stop at some friends in Florida on the way up. Little weird that he didn't want to come up with my mom and wasn't leaving with her - but I let it go at the time. When they got there, the heat in my house wasn't working and it was wicked cold. It had been all last winter too. I don't know why I didn't think about asking the landlord about it - but I didn't. So my dad had to play Mr. Fix-It, and insisting on trying to find an open heating and AC store to buy new parts and to get someone to come fix it when he couldn't (on Thanksgiving). I'm freaking out that everybody is going to freeze and if the meal I had planned for the next day, salmon glazed a honey + other stuff glaze that I had come up with that year that was really yummy. Mom had informed me she couldn't eat turkey at all (hence the salmon). So I'm trying to stay cool while my dad is being all Mr. Fix it and my sister is super stressed (her stress level has gone down since my parents divorce) and my mom just did school work. I got the food under control on Thanksgiving when my dad (who has run out of things to fix, or maybe run out of things he could fix until the hardware stores open the next day) decides that the fish is not cooking right. So he decides to take control of the oven, next thing I know, my dad has thrown the lock on the oven door and turned on the freaking cleaning cycle. Now you can turn off the cleaning cycle at any time, but the lock won't open until the cleaning cycle fully completes. That means that the fish would stay locked in the oven for 2 hours at super hot temparatures - and all we would have to eat would be mash potatos. So dad gets out the tools and forces the oven door open so we can get the fish out. Never mind that the door would never fully close ever again. This is why I won't let my dad cook in my apartment now.
Anyways - it was quite stressful at the time, but now we laugh at the whole saga. But it just kind of hit me (as it probably does every year) that that was the last holiday meal we had as a family. It's kind of sad, but a relief at the same time.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
First Date Back
A couple weeks ago I started chatting with a guy. It was going well, he was smart and nice. Younger than me. I found it easy to chat with online - however, he did push to take things offline (offline meaning off of the dating site I was using) probably sooner than I would have. I went along with it though just to see what would happen.
We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet. I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2." I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies. I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.
Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought. "Oh, no, no, no. Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible". So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book). So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no. I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks).
I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died. This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with. I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.
Overall, I think the date went fine. Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to. Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later). Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit. It went well enough that he asked me to go out again. I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.
It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this". In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day. And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways. That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.
Then there was the guy factor. He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy. I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need. Unfrotunately not for me. At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.
I felt bad about it. It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.
But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me. I think it'll make things less pressured in the future. I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again. I can go at a pace that is good for me.
We had only been chatting offline for about a week when he asked if I would be willing to meet. I said, "Yeah, sure, in a couple of weeks - like 2." I had been sick with allergies and just recovering from the lizard skin under my eyes that was caused by my reaction to the allergies. I also said I wanted to get to know him better, and he agreed. Then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days.
Immediately I jumped to - "Oh, I must have done something wrong" and I confided to some friends who basically confirmed that thought. "Oh, no, no, no. Never tell a guy that you will see him in two weeks. You need to agree to go out as soon as possible". So when the guy popped back up and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee that weekend (I guess 2 weeks really meant less than 1 week in his book). So of course I said yes, thinking that I will royally miss my opportunity if I say no. I purposely scheduled dinner with my sister a few hours after I met this guy so I had an excuse to leave (and also to see my sister cause she's awesome and I hadn't seen her in a few weeks).
I did get excited for the date, not because I was really eager to meet this particular guy, but because I was going to go on my first date since Chris died. This was a significant milestone and I was eager to have it over with. I should have really looked at that and realized that this was not going to end well.
Overall, I think the date went fine. Granted, I don't really have much to compare it to. Better than the date where a guy sang a 5 minute protest song, but not even close to being as good as my first date with Chris (I expected that one to be over in an hour tops, we ended up closing down Panera 8 hours later). Anyways, we kept up conversation, I tried to keep as much eye contact as possible, we went walking outside for a little bit. It went well enough that he asked me to go out again. I said yes, but then I said yes because I didn't know what else to say - you can't really say no when they are right in front of you.
It wasn't until I was in the car that I finally let myself think, "I really didn't enjoy this". In fact, I got a little angry at Chris because I thought I would have probably enjoyed it fine if I hadn't had such a great first date with him way back in the day. And I got mad at him for dying because if he had taken care of himself - I probably wouldn't have to be going on more first dates anyways. That's not a given, but I think that is a fair assumption.
Then there was the guy factor. He was still smart and nice, but he was also eager - kind of like a puppy. I am sure that for some girls, eager is what they need. Unfrotunately not for me. At first I told myself that I would still go out for a second time, but after a lot more eagerness was shown on his part, I realized that I needed it to stop and not see him again.
I felt bad about it. It's not easy, but it is a relief that I don't have to maintain an interest in something that is clearly not for me.
But above all else, I'm really glad to have that first date behind me. I think it'll make things less pressured in the future. I don't have to worry about what it's going to be like the first time out again, and I don't have to rush anything because I'm not afraid that it won't happen again. I can go at a pace that is good for me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Finding a groove
At the beginning of this year, I lost my book club. While I haven't lost the good friends from that club, I really missed the routine of one Sunday a month getting together with these girls, talking about books, eating, and gossiping about all matters of things.
There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring. Book club was my only real social activity I had left. Not that I wasn't social. I get together with friends all the time. Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left. I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others. I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself. Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser.
So I found another one. This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time. It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.
My first meeting I was overwhelmed. It was a lot to take in. Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting. It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time. They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names. And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history. For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it.
Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there. I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree. I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there. Change is good.
P.S. If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.
There was also the dread that without bookclub, my life was pretty boring. Book club was my only real social activity I had left. Not that I wasn't social. I get together with friends all the time. Just that - book clu was the only scheduled thing I had left. I hadn't joined any other organizations after Jaycees (and I don't regret that either) because I wanted to spend more time improving myself instead of others. I find it way too easy helping others instead of myself. Anyways - without book club, part of me felt like a loser.
So I found another one. This new club is run by another friend, Susan, who had actually been in the other club at one time. It has a very different structure and it has way more ladies.
My first meeting I was overwhelmed. It was a lot to take in. Actually, I'm still overwhelmed, but it gets easier with every meeting. It's very difficult coming into a group that has been together for a long time. They know each other's history pretty well - I'm still learning names. And then there is the internal debate about what do I disclose about my past history. For instance, in the latest book we read - there was a funeral for a husband and this scene fascinated me - mostly because of my history, but I stayed quiet about it.
Anyways - I'm beginning to find my groove there. I had a blast, and I was actively contributing and not afraid to laugh or disagree. I still have a ways to go before I totally feel like a part of the in crowd, but I do think that I like it there. Change is good.
P.S. If any of the girls in my book club read this, I just want to say thank you for including me and I really look forward to getting to know everyone better.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Slowing down
Lately I haven't felt like I have had much time to myself on the weekend.
This sounds rediculous considering that today I spent puttering around the grocery store and making cupcakes and yesterday I spent the day with friends at the baseball game.
But something is missing. My weekends blast past me and I don't feel very rested. I'm not sure if its the allergies, the not sleeping during the week (cause of the allergies), or I'm just not using my time well.
I don't even remember the last time I came out of a weekend where I've felt refreshed. Does anybody else feel like that? What do you do to recover?
This sounds rediculous considering that today I spent puttering around the grocery store and making cupcakes and yesterday I spent the day with friends at the baseball game.
But something is missing. My weekends blast past me and I don't feel very rested. I'm not sure if its the allergies, the not sleeping during the week (cause of the allergies), or I'm just not using my time well.
I don't even remember the last time I came out of a weekend where I've felt refreshed. Does anybody else feel like that? What do you do to recover?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Independence
No - this is not about dating.
Today I learned that my newest colleague has already decided to leave us. They are going back to their older agency for a position which will give him a better shot at supervisory authority. I understand his need to advance his career that way and wish him all the luck.
This does make me wonder about how my career is going.
Overall, I like my job. I'm not in love with it - but then, I don't think I love business life in general. I'm not really highly paid, but I don't really have the responsibilties that deserves the highest level of pay. I would say I'm paid fairly. And the truth is money isn't everything.
I like the people in my group - they are intelligent and interesting. They can sometimes drive me crazy - but I assume I do the same thing to them on occassion. I work in a relatively small group, and each of us have our own niches, although we do work together. But this means that we cooperate more as peers of one another instead of a series of subordinates. I particularly like this. I would say that daily we work very independently. And I like the mix of the analytical and creative stuff that I get to do.
But sometimes I worry that I'm not ambitious enough for my own good. Should I be wanting a job where I oversee people or make more money. Do I wish that I was featured more? I'm a background supporting player (an important background player, but in the background none the less). Do I need to be featured more.
I don't think so. I see my dad and all the clawing he did to get to the top and all he lost when it all crumbled and I just don't know if its worth it. It's just a job afterall. But it's not like I have a family with whom I'm sacrificing career advancement for. Does it make me lazy being this satisfied with what people may call a mediocre job? That's what worries me.
Today I learned that my newest colleague has already decided to leave us. They are going back to their older agency for a position which will give him a better shot at supervisory authority. I understand his need to advance his career that way and wish him all the luck.
This does make me wonder about how my career is going.
Overall, I like my job. I'm not in love with it - but then, I don't think I love business life in general. I'm not really highly paid, but I don't really have the responsibilties that deserves the highest level of pay. I would say I'm paid fairly. And the truth is money isn't everything.
I like the people in my group - they are intelligent and interesting. They can sometimes drive me crazy - but I assume I do the same thing to them on occassion. I work in a relatively small group, and each of us have our own niches, although we do work together. But this means that we cooperate more as peers of one another instead of a series of subordinates. I particularly like this. I would say that daily we work very independently. And I like the mix of the analytical and creative stuff that I get to do.
But sometimes I worry that I'm not ambitious enough for my own good. Should I be wanting a job where I oversee people or make more money. Do I wish that I was featured more? I'm a background supporting player (an important background player, but in the background none the less). Do I need to be featured more.
I don't think so. I see my dad and all the clawing he did to get to the top and all he lost when it all crumbled and I just don't know if its worth it. It's just a job afterall. But it's not like I have a family with whom I'm sacrificing career advancement for. Does it make me lazy being this satisfied with what people may call a mediocre job? That's what worries me.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What is it going to feel like?
Yesterday a thought popped into my head. What is love going to be like after Chris?
This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?". At least I think it is.
Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to. He was the second. The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end. It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike. My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important). Everything around me was collapsing. 9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married. I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto. Enter Evil Mike. I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.
Chris was different. Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning. But it became very clear that this was different. It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term. These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will.
I can't imagine love will ever be the same. Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame. Will I find another roaring flame? Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different.
This is totally different from "who am I going to find to love after Chris?". At least I think it is.
Chris was not the first man I said "I love you" to. He was the second. The first would be Evil Mike, who I am sure would not appreciate being called Evil and in general was a nice guy - who just treated me very poorly in the end. It became very clear to me early on that the love I had for Chris was totally different and just totally more than what I ever felt for Evil Mike. My love for Evil Mike was like what someone drowning feels for a life jacket - it is the one thing that will help you survive and so you hold on tight - even if you don't like the color (not that I would ever reject a life jacket for its color - water safety is important). Everything around me was collapsing. 9/11 was only 5 months earlier, my parents were divorcing, my mom was going into the deepest depression I had seen (up until that time), my sister had kinda shut herself off from everyone in an attempt to stay sane, and my friends were getting married. I hadn't been looking for a relationship, but life was changing in big ways and at that time he was my anchor and I needed something to hold onto. Enter Evil Mike. I can see now that I confused friendship and stability and attention for love, but then he had been the first to say it - he was also the first to see that it wasn't really the type of love that would hold up in the long term.
Chris was different. Yes I internally, and perhaps, externally compared the two all the time at the beginning. But it became very clear that this was different. It was all encompassing, and it was about completing one another, it was chemistry, and it was long term. These words don't even begin to really touch on what I felt for that man and what part of me always will.
I can't imagine love will ever be the same. Right now, I imagine that its going to be a warm glow that you know feels good but also know that it doesn't feel the same as a roaring flame. Will I find another roaring flame? Or is it going to be like jumping from the hot tub into a pool - where the moment you hit the water all you can feel are liberating bubbles and you know that the two feelings are equally as awesome but totally 180 degrees different.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Freaking Out
So short backstory - I met Chris on eHarmony. The end.
As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again. I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity. And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do. But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.
It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out. I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site. The benefit of that site though is the staged communication. You're not just messaging guys right away. Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything.
I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys. And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off. A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously. Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."
I began freaking.
Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I am ready for this. And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris. And how that was so easy. I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails. And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history. And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again. And that is scary in and of itself.
So I ate half a pie. I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).
I am still trying to calm down. It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.
Things are different, I am different. I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness. I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people. And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar.
The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket. Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same. And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.
As I have mentioned in a previous post - I have decided to venture out into the online dating scene again. I do beleive that people can meet their ideal partner online - it's happened to me once before, so it would be rediculous of me to dismiss the opportunity. And seeing as I don't really hang in circles where there are tons of single guys - it's kind of necessary thing to do. But it's still, what is the word I am looking for...scary, daunting, overwhelming.
It's been 4 years since I last did it, and I'm really just putting my toe in the water to try things out. I'm not doing eHarmony at this time because there is a certain level of commitment that comes with that site. The benefit of that site though is the staged communication. You're not just messaging guys right away. Instead I am trying a newer one that is free which means I can come and go as I please and not really lose anything.
I'm trying to go out of my comfort zone and I have rated and/or messaged a few guys. And it's nervewracking and awkward, but I kind of laughed it off. A few guys contacted me first and said some nice things about my picture, but I didn't really take them seriously. Then a guy said, "Let's chat and see how this goes."
I began freaking.
Because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I am ready for this. And suddenly I remembered what it was like when I was first communicating with Chris. And how that was so easy. I felt the chemistry when we exchanged emails. And then the head jumps to our first date, which was seriously the best first date in history. And it doesn't feel like that now, and I don't know if it ever will again. And that is scary in and of itself.
So I ate half a pie. I know - not a good reaction (and believe me - I am totally paying for it today).
I am still trying to calm down. It helps to write about this here - just get out all these insecurities.
Things are different, I am different. I should expect to feel apprehension and awkwardness. I should not feel bad about people not liking me, just as I don't feel bad about not liking other people. And I shouldn't feel bad if I don't feel the same things as I felt with Chris or if I feel something similar.
The important thing is that I'm not just praying that I win the love lottery -- I have actually gone out and bought a ticket. Now I just have to wait to see if my number is called, and if it isn't - eh, life is the same. And if it is called then that's just peaches and cream.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I just burned off a 4 oz. piece of fried chicken
At least that is what Wii Fit Plus tells me.
I have had Wii Fit Plus for a couple of months, but haven't really used it. I actually haven't used my Wii much in the last couple of months, but with my renewed motivation in losing weight, I've been wanting to be active. On Saturday I took a 3 mile walk in the morning, but on Saturday the temp was only 80 degrees. On Sunday, the heat came back and so did the Code Yellow/Orange climate conditions. Yuck! My asthma just can't handle that.
So I've dusted off my balance board and I am trying out the Wii Fit Plus.
Let me tell you - it officially rocks. It has everything in the old Wii Fit, but it's really made it even more useful.
1) It has added a lot more activities, in both the strength training and yoga areas as well as adding a new category called Training Plus. Training Plus is basically a bunch of new games - and so far all of them have been hard.
2) They now have themed workouts. These workouts are a group of 3 activities that target specific goals - like the tummy, arms, relaxing, overindulging, etc. They are about 8 minutes long total, but it reduces the amount of time you spend trying to go from one activity to another.
3) You can combine activities into custom routines. Once again, this cuts out all that time you spent switching from one activity to another (which face it - was a lot of time). You can do this eithe rby selecting individual activities or by combining routines. Fun!
4) It now estimates the number of calories burned. So instead of just measuring minutes, you can measure the amount of calories burned. This means if you have a specific burn target, you will know if you have reached it or not. After you finish - they have this tool that will tell you what kind of food equivalent of what you burned - hence me burning off a piece of fried chicken.
These enhancements have definitely improved the game. And while I don't think the workout I get is similar in intensity to what I get from the EA Active - it's still a good workout when you are stuck inside. So if you have a Wii and and a balance board - I recommend getting Wii Fit Plus.
I have had Wii Fit Plus for a couple of months, but haven't really used it. I actually haven't used my Wii much in the last couple of months, but with my renewed motivation in losing weight, I've been wanting to be active. On Saturday I took a 3 mile walk in the morning, but on Saturday the temp was only 80 degrees. On Sunday, the heat came back and so did the Code Yellow/Orange climate conditions. Yuck! My asthma just can't handle that.
So I've dusted off my balance board and I am trying out the Wii Fit Plus.
Let me tell you - it officially rocks. It has everything in the old Wii Fit, but it's really made it even more useful.
1) It has added a lot more activities, in both the strength training and yoga areas as well as adding a new category called Training Plus. Training Plus is basically a bunch of new games - and so far all of them have been hard.
2) They now have themed workouts. These workouts are a group of 3 activities that target specific goals - like the tummy, arms, relaxing, overindulging, etc. They are about 8 minutes long total, but it reduces the amount of time you spend trying to go from one activity to another.
3) You can combine activities into custom routines. Once again, this cuts out all that time you spent switching from one activity to another (which face it - was a lot of time). You can do this eithe rby selecting individual activities or by combining routines. Fun!
4) It now estimates the number of calories burned. So instead of just measuring minutes, you can measure the amount of calories burned. This means if you have a specific burn target, you will know if you have reached it or not. After you finish - they have this tool that will tell you what kind of food equivalent of what you burned - hence me burning off a piece of fried chicken.
These enhancements have definitely improved the game. And while I don't think the workout I get is similar in intensity to what I get from the EA Active - it's still a good workout when you are stuck inside. So if you have a Wii and and a balance board - I recommend getting Wii Fit Plus.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Sweet Tooth
One of the things that I have learned over the past 3 years trying to lose weight is that I have a Sweet Tooth. While there are many foods I love that aren't really great for me (cheese, butter, pasta, etc.) I would have to say I love nothing more than sugary/sweet things. Seriously, my Sweet Tooth is so strong that it deserves her own name - oh what the hell - let's call her Dulci.
Dulci really loves cupcakes, ice cream, and chocolate. When she doesn't get anything sweet - she bugs me all night and I can't sleep. If you look at the weight change tracker on the side - you can see I fell off the wagon big time. That happened in a large part because Dulci persuaded me that eating ice cream and gelato every day was the right thing to do.
So I need to reign Dulci in. It's not realistic of me to think that I can let Dulci go cold-turkey without dessert. I think that is just asking for trouble. So I have decided to go with something like a "You break it, You buy it" policy. It's called, "You Crave It, You Make It"
From now one, if I want something sweet or desserty - I will have to make it. This will require thinking ahead of time because I will need to make sure I have what I need on hand in order to make it - ingredients and tools. It also means that I have to work to actually get my sweets made. Let me tell you - making cupcakes are not easy. I think in a past post I referred to a fat footprint - similar to a green footprint (for all the environmentalist). Making my own desserts decreases the fat footprint on my body (although its probably more of a symbolic than actual reduction). I'm also going to embrace my inner Sesame Street and insist on sharing my dessert bounty with the people around me. When making sweet things - I will bring things in for my office mates, my sister, my friends. That's not only satisfying Dulci, but it's increasing my karma.
In order to do this - I am actually ordering myself a ice cream maker attachment for my Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I know - kind of counter intuitive, but I'm really excited about this. I am dying to learn how to make ice cream, gelato, sorbet, and granitas. There's something about making your own food that just makes it taste better, and you want that taste to last - so I've also found out that I tend to spread out the consumption of said food. For example, I made awesome cupcakes for a co-worker the week before last. I still have something like 6 in my fridge- and they are still good. But I'm not eating them everyday - and that's progress.
Living life with Dulci can be hard, but I think that I am going to manage.
Dulci really loves cupcakes, ice cream, and chocolate. When she doesn't get anything sweet - she bugs me all night and I can't sleep. If you look at the weight change tracker on the side - you can see I fell off the wagon big time. That happened in a large part because Dulci persuaded me that eating ice cream and gelato every day was the right thing to do.
So I need to reign Dulci in. It's not realistic of me to think that I can let Dulci go cold-turkey without dessert. I think that is just asking for trouble. So I have decided to go with something like a "You break it, You buy it" policy. It's called, "You Crave It, You Make It"
From now one, if I want something sweet or desserty - I will have to make it. This will require thinking ahead of time because I will need to make sure I have what I need on hand in order to make it - ingredients and tools. It also means that I have to work to actually get my sweets made. Let me tell you - making cupcakes are not easy. I think in a past post I referred to a fat footprint - similar to a green footprint (for all the environmentalist). Making my own desserts decreases the fat footprint on my body (although its probably more of a symbolic than actual reduction). I'm also going to embrace my inner Sesame Street and insist on sharing my dessert bounty with the people around me. When making sweet things - I will bring things in for my office mates, my sister, my friends. That's not only satisfying Dulci, but it's increasing my karma.
In order to do this - I am actually ordering myself a ice cream maker attachment for my Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I know - kind of counter intuitive, but I'm really excited about this. I am dying to learn how to make ice cream, gelato, sorbet, and granitas. There's something about making your own food that just makes it taste better, and you want that taste to last - so I've also found out that I tend to spread out the consumption of said food. For example, I made awesome cupcakes for a co-worker the week before last. I still have something like 6 in my fridge- and they are still good. But I'm not eating them everyday - and that's progress.
Living life with Dulci can be hard, but I think that I am going to manage.
Eat, Pray, Love
Next weekend I will be going to see "Eat, Pray, Love" at the theater. I first read the book 5 or 6 years ago for my book club. At that time, I was struggling with the fact that my dad, who was born and raised Catholic and then accepted Lutheranism when he married my mom, had become a Buddhist. As you can guess from the title, the book deals with spirituality, and I felt when reading it that I was beginning to understand why my dad needed to choose this new spiritual path. I remember him visiting me and I actually recommended him reading it because I thought that he might see that I was trying to understand him better. I don't know if he actually read it though.
With the movie coming out though, I decided to revisit the book, and I'm very glad I did. This time I listened to the audiobook version, which is read by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. There's a certain luxury to having the author read the story to you. They have the inside scoop on what feelings and thoughts the story is trying to tell and at what time and they are able to pull that into the reading. It's more textured. If I was talking in math terms, it's like going from two axis to three.
Listening to the book this time, I realized that the story wasn't just about pursuing spirituality. It is the story of grief and how loss can force you to look inward and learn more about yourself. It's the story about deciding to fight against depression and winning, as well as accepting that in order to love the world you need to learn to love yourself. It's about learning how to let go of the things that hold you down from progress. Spirituality is an element of the story, but I would say that it's more of a means of moving the story than a full out theme. While the backstory of Elizabeth Gilbert felt darker, I think her climb out of that darkness felt much brighter.
Now I know that I'm not going to be able to do exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert did to make myself better. While I would love to spend 4 months in Italy eating, I can't really picture myself moving there, and then to India, and then to Bali. I need to find my own path - and I think that is what I have been doing for the last year or so. But she does highlight some really useful tools that I think anybody can use. My favorite - writing a petition to God about what you need, and then in your heart make a list about who will sign it. It's remarkable what a big pep squad you have supporting you to be better when you just think about it.
I do recommend this book to people, expecially to people who may feel like they are lost in the dark. It leaves you thinking, and it leaves you with hope. But don't be surprised if the book is nothing like the movie - just enjoy the both of them for what they are.
With the movie coming out though, I decided to revisit the book, and I'm very glad I did. This time I listened to the audiobook version, which is read by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert. There's a certain luxury to having the author read the story to you. They have the inside scoop on what feelings and thoughts the story is trying to tell and at what time and they are able to pull that into the reading. It's more textured. If I was talking in math terms, it's like going from two axis to three.
Listening to the book this time, I realized that the story wasn't just about pursuing spirituality. It is the story of grief and how loss can force you to look inward and learn more about yourself. It's the story about deciding to fight against depression and winning, as well as accepting that in order to love the world you need to learn to love yourself. It's about learning how to let go of the things that hold you down from progress. Spirituality is an element of the story, but I would say that it's more of a means of moving the story than a full out theme. While the backstory of Elizabeth Gilbert felt darker, I think her climb out of that darkness felt much brighter.
Now I know that I'm not going to be able to do exactly what Elizabeth Gilbert did to make myself better. While I would love to spend 4 months in Italy eating, I can't really picture myself moving there, and then to India, and then to Bali. I need to find my own path - and I think that is what I have been doing for the last year or so. But she does highlight some really useful tools that I think anybody can use. My favorite - writing a petition to God about what you need, and then in your heart make a list about who will sign it. It's remarkable what a big pep squad you have supporting you to be better when you just think about it.
I do recommend this book to people, expecially to people who may feel like they are lost in the dark. It leaves you thinking, and it leaves you with hope. But don't be surprised if the book is nothing like the movie - just enjoy the both of them for what they are.
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Hardest Thing to Say
I heartily disagree with Elton John, "Sorry" isn't the hardest thing to say. Instead, I think its "I'm Awesome".
I have no problem saying "I'm sorry". At socceer practice, when I was younger. I used to say "Sorry" every time I missed a ball when I was practicing with one of the goalies from the guy's team. He finally stopped throwing the ball at me and said, "Emily, stop saying you're sorry to the ball. It doesn't care." Seriously - I could say I'm sorry like 25 times a minute if I had to.
But I have a hard time believing good things about myself. Today at work, I'm working on a forecast. I've created the model by myself and it's basically based on common sense. Last year was the first we used this model and apparently, we came really close to our target. When my co-worker told me that, I let my mouth hang open and just incrediously said, "Seriously?". I couldn't believe it because internally I'm thinking that my model is just a bunch of spaghetti that I've thrown against the wall and amazingly some of it is sticking. Instead of being all "OMG - why is it sticking?", shouldn't I be saying, "Why shouldn't it stick".
I need to start reframing my thoughts though. I need to start focusing on my strengths and what I am good at. And I have a bunch - I'm good at recognizing patterns, I communicate well with kids, I'm a kickass cook and baker, I have fantastic rhythm, and my smile is "intoxicating" as one person recently wrote to me.
I need to start being my own Captain Awesome (although I really do love the original Captain Awesome).
I have no problem saying "I'm sorry". At socceer practice, when I was younger. I used to say "Sorry" every time I missed a ball when I was practicing with one of the goalies from the guy's team. He finally stopped throwing the ball at me and said, "Emily, stop saying you're sorry to the ball. It doesn't care." Seriously - I could say I'm sorry like 25 times a minute if I had to.
But I have a hard time believing good things about myself. Today at work, I'm working on a forecast. I've created the model by myself and it's basically based on common sense. Last year was the first we used this model and apparently, we came really close to our target. When my co-worker told me that, I let my mouth hang open and just incrediously said, "Seriously?". I couldn't believe it because internally I'm thinking that my model is just a bunch of spaghetti that I've thrown against the wall and amazingly some of it is sticking. Instead of being all "OMG - why is it sticking?", shouldn't I be saying, "Why shouldn't it stick".
I need to start reframing my thoughts though. I need to start focusing on my strengths and what I am good at. And I have a bunch - I'm good at recognizing patterns, I communicate well with kids, I'm a kickass cook and baker, I have fantastic rhythm, and my smile is "intoxicating" as one person recently wrote to me.
I need to start being my own Captain Awesome (although I really do love the original Captain Awesome).
Monday, August 2, 2010
The profile
I've had people on me for awhile about how I need to get back on the dating horse. I'm sure I've spoken about it here. And I've been reluctant (which is probably too nice of a word). But for some reason this last week, I decided to sample the waters and put up a profile on a dating website.
And it kind of terrifies me that this profile represents who I am to others and will help them determine whether or not they think they will like me. And what if my profile attracts the wrong people. Am I appearing insincere or nervous? Is that a good picture - does it make me look too fat or too skinny? Should I even have a picture? You want your profile to attract people, but you also don't want it to be a creative writing assignment.
I think I need help on this.
Any volunteers??
And it kind of terrifies me that this profile represents who I am to others and will help them determine whether or not they think they will like me. And what if my profile attracts the wrong people. Am I appearing insincere or nervous? Is that a good picture - does it make me look too fat or too skinny? Should I even have a picture? You want your profile to attract people, but you also don't want it to be a creative writing assignment.
I think I need help on this.
Any volunteers??
Friday, June 18, 2010
Just some movie reviews
My last post was kind of ranty. I don't really like ranting on my blog because then I find myself in a negative space and feel like I need to continue ranting - but that's not healthy. So I took a break. And in my break I saw a lot of movies. So I thought I would jot down what I thought of them.
Letters to Juliet: I dragged my dad to this movie when he was visiting from Mexico. For some reason it decided to rain most of the time he was here - so one day we decided to go to the movies. We had to decide between Iron Man and Letters to Juliet (L2J from now on). For some reason my dad seemed a little more enthusiastic to see a rom com set in Italy than a comic super hero flick. Anyways - this movie reminded me of good old fashioned rom coms of the late 90's "While You Were Sleeping", "Knotting Hill", "Wedding Planner", "Sweet Home Alabama". Fairly predictable plot about a girl satisfied with her life, but then some kind of event turns everything topsy turvy and suddenly that life ain't so great and she pursues a new one which leads to happily ever after. Sigh. Sweet. I really liked it although it was nothing revolutionary (not that it was trying to be). I think it was greatly aided by its location - ITALY! Gorgeous settings and I really liked the Italian music - some of them Italian covers of classic American pop. It was all so sweetly romantic, but not really sexual - so I was comfortable seeing it with my dad (who may or may not have fallen asleep). If you like the classic rom coms - rent it!
Sex To The City 2: I went with my friend K. We had seen the last one together so it was natural that we would go see this one together. I liked the last one because it really captured the grounded glamour that was in the series. Yes, Carrie and company wears lots of Manolos - but that doesn't mean that there life is great. The girls suffered from real problems - spousal infidelity, cold feet from partner, etc. You could empathize with the girls. You couldn't do that in this movie. While I get the producers decision to go technicolor glam as a way to distract us from our economic problems similar to what was done during the depression, but I don't know if the original nature of the SATC material really lends itself from that complete breakage from real problems. The movie was funny at times, but mostly shallow - shallow not in a good way. Skip it - unless you are a huge fan of the series and must see it and be disappointed for yourself.
The A-Team: I wasn't convinced that I was going to go see it until I spent two weeks staring at its ads on the side of the buses while waiting for my bus to arrive. So I ended up taking my friend Leanne to go see it for her birthday - and I have to say that A-Team is a PERFECT summer flick. And it did a very good job of adapting an old tv show for film. I know they've done a lot of these in recent years and not all of them have been successfull - Miami Vice (too serious), Starsky and Hutch (too slapstick), Dukes of Hazzard (WTF). But there have been a few to get it right (Mission Impossible, Charlie's Angels). I think this was another one. It has the right combo of action and comedy - and it took elements from the show and made them their own witout disrespecting/dismissing the source. I think its unfortunate that it opened against the Karate Kid since the people who enjoyed the Karate Kid and A-Team in the 80's are probably the same population and Karate Kid was better to bring their kids to see (since suddenly the karate kid pre-puberty at age 11 instead of a horny 16 year old). I know the critics were kinda trashing it by saying "its all just action sequences", but do you remember the show - it was all just action sequences. Go see it - its Awesome! And I want a sequel.
Killers: I was really looking forward to this movie because in it Katherine Hiegl plays a kind of clumsy girl who stumbles into the world of professional killing - and I think her performance will kind of dictacte how well she will be as Stephanie Plum. Based on this film, I think Hiegl will do the physical comedy great, I'm just hoping that when she does Stephanie Plum annoyed, she does it annoyed and not bitchy. That was kind of the probelm with this movie. When Hiegl character's got irritated, she got really bitchy - and she's not really appealing when she is in that mode. I did really like Ashton in the film - which surprised me because I'm not really a big fan of Ashton. But overall, I don't know if I was satisfied. I felt like the film was trying to be a combo of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Gross-Pointe Blank, Chuck, and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, but it was like they took the relevant parts they needed from the movie and made them dull. And it just kind of ended suddenly, like they realized what the running time was and just tacked something on that resolved everything. But I did like the Heigl/Kutcher chemistry. It was ok, and if you are going to see it, rent it.
I don't know how many more movies I will check out this summer. I definitely want to check out Eclipse and I want to see Toy Story 3, oh - and the trailers for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World have me intrigued. So I'll let you know how those go.
Letters to Juliet: I dragged my dad to this movie when he was visiting from Mexico. For some reason it decided to rain most of the time he was here - so one day we decided to go to the movies. We had to decide between Iron Man and Letters to Juliet (L2J from now on). For some reason my dad seemed a little more enthusiastic to see a rom com set in Italy than a comic super hero flick. Anyways - this movie reminded me of good old fashioned rom coms of the late 90's "While You Were Sleeping", "Knotting Hill", "Wedding Planner", "Sweet Home Alabama". Fairly predictable plot about a girl satisfied with her life, but then some kind of event turns everything topsy turvy and suddenly that life ain't so great and she pursues a new one which leads to happily ever after. Sigh. Sweet. I really liked it although it was nothing revolutionary (not that it was trying to be). I think it was greatly aided by its location - ITALY! Gorgeous settings and I really liked the Italian music - some of them Italian covers of classic American pop. It was all so sweetly romantic, but not really sexual - so I was comfortable seeing it with my dad (who may or may not have fallen asleep). If you like the classic rom coms - rent it!
Sex To The City 2: I went with my friend K. We had seen the last one together so it was natural that we would go see this one together. I liked the last one because it really captured the grounded glamour that was in the series. Yes, Carrie and company wears lots of Manolos - but that doesn't mean that there life is great. The girls suffered from real problems - spousal infidelity, cold feet from partner, etc. You could empathize with the girls. You couldn't do that in this movie. While I get the producers decision to go technicolor glam as a way to distract us from our economic problems similar to what was done during the depression, but I don't know if the original nature of the SATC material really lends itself from that complete breakage from real problems. The movie was funny at times, but mostly shallow - shallow not in a good way. Skip it - unless you are a huge fan of the series and must see it and be disappointed for yourself.
The A-Team: I wasn't convinced that I was going to go see it until I spent two weeks staring at its ads on the side of the buses while waiting for my bus to arrive. So I ended up taking my friend Leanne to go see it for her birthday - and I have to say that A-Team is a PERFECT summer flick. And it did a very good job of adapting an old tv show for film. I know they've done a lot of these in recent years and not all of them have been successfull - Miami Vice (too serious), Starsky and Hutch (too slapstick), Dukes of Hazzard (WTF). But there have been a few to get it right (Mission Impossible, Charlie's Angels). I think this was another one. It has the right combo of action and comedy - and it took elements from the show and made them their own witout disrespecting/dismissing the source. I think its unfortunate that it opened against the Karate Kid since the people who enjoyed the Karate Kid and A-Team in the 80's are probably the same population and Karate Kid was better to bring their kids to see (since suddenly the karate kid pre-puberty at age 11 instead of a horny 16 year old). I know the critics were kinda trashing it by saying "its all just action sequences", but do you remember the show - it was all just action sequences. Go see it - its Awesome! And I want a sequel.
Killers: I was really looking forward to this movie because in it Katherine Hiegl plays a kind of clumsy girl who stumbles into the world of professional killing - and I think her performance will kind of dictacte how well she will be as Stephanie Plum. Based on this film, I think Hiegl will do the physical comedy great, I'm just hoping that when she does Stephanie Plum annoyed, she does it annoyed and not bitchy. That was kind of the probelm with this movie. When Hiegl character's got irritated, she got really bitchy - and she's not really appealing when she is in that mode. I did really like Ashton in the film - which surprised me because I'm not really a big fan of Ashton. But overall, I don't know if I was satisfied. I felt like the film was trying to be a combo of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Gross-Pointe Blank, Chuck, and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, but it was like they took the relevant parts they needed from the movie and made them dull. And it just kind of ended suddenly, like they realized what the running time was and just tacked something on that resolved everything. But I did like the Heigl/Kutcher chemistry. It was ok, and if you are going to see it, rent it.
I don't know how many more movies I will check out this summer. I definitely want to check out Eclipse and I want to see Toy Story 3, oh - and the trailers for Scott Pilgrim vs. the World have me intrigued. So I'll let you know how those go.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I heart the Earth
By now everybody should know that its Earth Day. I like Earth Day. I like that we have a day that is supposed to celebrate what this third rock from the sun gives us. The water, the trees, the sky, the animals, etc.
But I know that a lot of people view this as an atagonistic holiday. A day granola chomping hippies created to make everybody feel bad about how much we are destroying this planet, blah blah blah! And they get mean and crochety about it and start saying that they are going to do anti-positive things to help the planet and that those of us who are doing things are just deluding ourselves. And yes, I know that they may not actually do some of the stuff that they threaten - but they've still put that negativity out to the universe.
All I have to say is doing something is better than doing nothing at all.
People are deluding themselves if they think that we're going to have this endless supply of resources. We don't. If you think of the big pictures, it's a small spec of finite material. Someday it's going to run out. We may not be alive for that, but it's going to happen.
The other thing that is going to happen if we keep on going the way we are going - we're going to erode our own way of life. Have people seen the pictures of people living in favelas in the landfills. Someday that could be everybody- and not just the rediculously poor folk.
I'm not good at debating. I'm not going to throw out a bunch of nerdy facts. But I can tell you that during the summer - I hate going out because the air tastes and feels so chemically that I can't breathe. And that I've seen the lake that my grandparents cabin is on grow smaller and smaller (and that's not just because I've grown up). And it makes me sad to think that people close to me have gown out and actively participated in the extinction of an animal because their company told them that was the best place for a pipeline that will only provide 10 years of gas or something like that.
We should all do what we can to try to preserve what we have. People do what they can to financially secure their way of life - shouldn't we be trying to do that physically too??
I'm not a perfect rolemodel of course. I leave my computer on all the time and forget to turn out lights, and I really like eating hamburgers and wearing leather jackets. But at the very least I recycle and I ride the bus to work most days, and I'm trying to grow a garden of herbs this year (and hopefully some vegetables).
So please take a moment to think about what the Earth has given to you and what you can do to give back to it.
But I know that a lot of people view this as an atagonistic holiday. A day granola chomping hippies created to make everybody feel bad about how much we are destroying this planet, blah blah blah! And they get mean and crochety about it and start saying that they are going to do anti-positive things to help the planet and that those of us who are doing things are just deluding ourselves. And yes, I know that they may not actually do some of the stuff that they threaten - but they've still put that negativity out to the universe.
All I have to say is doing something is better than doing nothing at all.
People are deluding themselves if they think that we're going to have this endless supply of resources. We don't. If you think of the big pictures, it's a small spec of finite material. Someday it's going to run out. We may not be alive for that, but it's going to happen.
The other thing that is going to happen if we keep on going the way we are going - we're going to erode our own way of life. Have people seen the pictures of people living in favelas in the landfills. Someday that could be everybody- and not just the rediculously poor folk.
I'm not good at debating. I'm not going to throw out a bunch of nerdy facts. But I can tell you that during the summer - I hate going out because the air tastes and feels so chemically that I can't breathe. And that I've seen the lake that my grandparents cabin is on grow smaller and smaller (and that's not just because I've grown up). And it makes me sad to think that people close to me have gown out and actively participated in the extinction of an animal because their company told them that was the best place for a pipeline that will only provide 10 years of gas or something like that.
We should all do what we can to try to preserve what we have. People do what they can to financially secure their way of life - shouldn't we be trying to do that physically too??
I'm not a perfect rolemodel of course. I leave my computer on all the time and forget to turn out lights, and I really like eating hamburgers and wearing leather jackets. But at the very least I recycle and I ride the bus to work most days, and I'm trying to grow a garden of herbs this year (and hopefully some vegetables).
So please take a moment to think about what the Earth has given to you and what you can do to give back to it.
Monday, March 1, 2010
It's been oddly quiet around here
And by around here, I mean my blog...obviously.
Yesterday I got to skype with my oldest friend in the world and she said that she checked out my blog to see what was going on and I hadn't posted in a while. Guilty as charged.
It all kinda started with the snow. Snowmageddon, Snowfecta, whatever you want to call it. Like most of the DC area, I was stuck for a week and a half in my house - and it wore me down. Here is a quick summary:
I think part of it was being stuck in the house reminded me so much of the depression I fell into about 6 months after Chris died. Then I didn't leave the house at all if I didn't have to. I went to work, came home, kept the lights off, put on my pj's and went to bed. It was a lot like that by the end. I ended up abandoning all the work I had done with FlyLady and Weight Watchers (haven't been back there in 4 weeks now - will be going back this next Saturday).
But my attitude is improving. My sister was a lifesaver and convinced me that my birthday deserved sushi at Kawatas and not wallowing at home on a Friday night. And that Saturday I went to Fredricksburg to cook with my friend Susan (that was the first day I drove my car in over 2 weeks) and Sunday was cooking club. Then we had our first full week of work - where I have a window office that lets in sunlight past 5 pm now (Huzzah for longer days). And this weekend I straightened out my house so that some friends could come over and it didn't take all day because I remarkably hadn't let all of FlyLady go to rot. So things are getting better.
So my next goal is to pick up the regular blogging again. If you haven't noticed - it generally falls to the wayside when I feel like crap.
So that is what happened over the past couple of weeks.
Yesterday I got to skype with my oldest friend in the world and she said that she checked out my blog to see what was going on and I hadn't posted in a while. Guilty as charged.
It all kinda started with the snow. Snowmageddon, Snowfecta, whatever you want to call it. Like most of the DC area, I was stuck for a week and a half in my house - and it wore me down. Here is a quick summary:
- Day 1 (Friday): Boss wants me to work from home, but look - 4 hour early leave, that means I can quit working at 1.
- Day 2 (Saturday): I can't see anything outside my door. I'll play Beatles Rockband.
- Day 3 (Sunday): I learn my sister doesn't have power. I'll play Beatles Rockband some more. Yay, no work tomorrow.
- Day 4 (Monday): Sister still doesn't have power - she's coming over (her power returns shortly after she arrives). Yay! company. Bake cookies with Allie. Make yummy dinner. yay! another day off tomorrow. [notice that I'm using small letters]
- Day 5 (Tuesday): I'm going to make crepes for breakfast, but sister wants to go home before the next round of snow. I'm running out of diet coke and easy mac. ummm...no work again.
- Day 6 (Wednesday): I'm just going to leave my lights off all day and play sims. I feel pasty. When is OPM posting if we have work. I'm falling behind schedule. I haven't gone behind the driveway in over a week.
- Day 7 (Thursday): They're (my friends/landlords) are making a run for the store - maybe they will stuff me in their trunk - although all I need is diet coke. OMG - civilization (aka grocery store) I need to buy EVERYTHING! G-D-it. Metro isn't running my bus and my car won't drive in this crap. Can't go into work tomorrow! Grrrrr! I'll just have to work from home.
- Day 8 (Friday): Lalala - working from home. This sucks. I miss people. And it's supposed to effing snow this weekend in NC meaning that I won't get to visit my mom for my birthday. Snow can bite it. [End with total meltdown and primal scream that make my friends/landlords run over to see what is wrong]
I think part of it was being stuck in the house reminded me so much of the depression I fell into about 6 months after Chris died. Then I didn't leave the house at all if I didn't have to. I went to work, came home, kept the lights off, put on my pj's and went to bed. It was a lot like that by the end. I ended up abandoning all the work I had done with FlyLady and Weight Watchers (haven't been back there in 4 weeks now - will be going back this next Saturday).
But my attitude is improving. My sister was a lifesaver and convinced me that my birthday deserved sushi at Kawatas and not wallowing at home on a Friday night. And that Saturday I went to Fredricksburg to cook with my friend Susan (that was the first day I drove my car in over 2 weeks) and Sunday was cooking club. Then we had our first full week of work - where I have a window office that lets in sunlight past 5 pm now (Huzzah for longer days). And this weekend I straightened out my house so that some friends could come over and it didn't take all day because I remarkably hadn't let all of FlyLady go to rot. So things are getting better.
So my next goal is to pick up the regular blogging again. If you haven't noticed - it generally falls to the wayside when I feel like crap.
So that is what happened over the past couple of weeks.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I'm apparently bringing the sexy back
According to Urbandictionary.com - Emily is a slang term for a highly attractive and sexually intriguing individual OR The most beautiful person in the world. Often referred to as a Goddess. Has eyes that one can easily get lost in. A great friend that cares about people and makes the world a better place. Easy to love too. (Thanks to Captain Brenda for looking this up for me since urbandictionary is blocked at work).
I think I may need to make a plaque or something with this - because reading it makes me feel good about myself.
This is really good because yesterday was the first day of this year that I came home and called my mom and said, "I don't know if I can keep all this goodness up."
You see - yesterday I had a crap day at work. On top of that, I had to deal with a headache and sinus pressure all day - making me think that I may be getting sick (quite possibly an ear infection that I caught from the kiddos next door). And I wasn't really hungry for anything in particular - I just hungry. So I ate, and I ate, and I ate. I went through close to all of my weekly points last night.
While I might be able to save this week (although I probably won't be going to my meeting if we are supposed to be getting as much snow this weekend as they are predicting), it bugs me that I let my emotions take control of my eating last night. This morning I did try to make up for my gluttony by shoveling out my car first thing (although it may not count because I was planning on driving to work anyways and that requires me shoveling out the car.)
But back to Urbandictionary - while not everything in that definition may not necessarily be true, I think it does actually capture some of my good traits (like great friend, easy to love, makes the world a better place) that I sometimes overlook. I need to remember these things on the days that get me down. Maybe if I do that, I won't need food to make me feel better.
I think I may need to make a plaque or something with this - because reading it makes me feel good about myself.
This is really good because yesterday was the first day of this year that I came home and called my mom and said, "I don't know if I can keep all this goodness up."
You see - yesterday I had a crap day at work. On top of that, I had to deal with a headache and sinus pressure all day - making me think that I may be getting sick (quite possibly an ear infection that I caught from the kiddos next door). And I wasn't really hungry for anything in particular - I just hungry. So I ate, and I ate, and I ate. I went through close to all of my weekly points last night.
While I might be able to save this week (although I probably won't be going to my meeting if we are supposed to be getting as much snow this weekend as they are predicting), it bugs me that I let my emotions take control of my eating last night. This morning I did try to make up for my gluttony by shoveling out my car first thing (although it may not count because I was planning on driving to work anyways and that requires me shoveling out the car.)
But back to Urbandictionary - while not everything in that definition may not necessarily be true, I think it does actually capture some of my good traits (like great friend, easy to love, makes the world a better place) that I sometimes overlook. I need to remember these things on the days that get me down. Maybe if I do that, I won't need food to make me feel better.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Managing Expectations
I must thank Mother Nature for holding off her snow storm until after my Weight Watcher's meeting had started. I was able to weigh in and go to my meeting. I lost another 2 pounds this week for a total of 10.4 pounds loss. I am now less than 5 pounds away from my 5% goal. Back when I did WW before - they didn't have the 5% goal - just a 10% goal. That was frustrating because the weight was falling off in these bitty increments and no matter how much I lost - I just never hit 10%. This is I call the magic number goal because its at this goal that you get together with your leader and you decide what you want your ultimate weight loss goal to be. It made me sad not to reach it before - but I know that I am going to do it this time.
One of the things I have been worried about this time around is my rate of weight loss. It feels like it is coming off really quickly. If I remember correctly - it almost took me 3 months to take 10 pounds off before. It came off in these .10 and .50 pounds increments. Now its coming off in about 1.5 and 2 pounds. I have a feeling that at some point its going to slow down again. I need to be careful to not set my expectations to losing 2 pounds every week so that when it does slow - I won't feel frustrated and give up.
It definitely helps having this blog and knowing that my friends are reading it. You guys provide a lot of encouragement. So I want to say a big "Thank You! You Guys Are Rockstars!!!" Without you, this journey wouldn't be possible.
The only favor I ask of you guys though is that when things do get a little slow and I get frustrated - give me a virtual bitch slap and remind me that I expected it and that I can work through it. I would really appreciate that.
One of the things I have been worried about this time around is my rate of weight loss. It feels like it is coming off really quickly. If I remember correctly - it almost took me 3 months to take 10 pounds off before. It came off in these .10 and .50 pounds increments. Now its coming off in about 1.5 and 2 pounds. I have a feeling that at some point its going to slow down again. I need to be careful to not set my expectations to losing 2 pounds every week so that when it does slow - I won't feel frustrated and give up.
It definitely helps having this blog and knowing that my friends are reading it. You guys provide a lot of encouragement. So I want to say a big "Thank You! You Guys Are Rockstars!!!" Without you, this journey wouldn't be possible.
The only favor I ask of you guys though is that when things do get a little slow and I get frustrated - give me a virtual bitch slap and remind me that I expected it and that I can work through it. I would really appreciate that.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
It Almost Didn't Happen...Part Dos
So the other day I wrote about how I didn't want to do my dishes on Monday night, but I did them anyways - and it made my world a better place.
Tuesday night, was my errand night. Visited a new grocery, got rotisserie chicken, did my evening routine, made it to bed before midnight. Despite all this ordinariness, my body decided to oversleep on Wednesday.
I woke up at 7:34 - which meant that I had less than half an hour to get dressed, get packed,and out the door to catch the bus.
My first gut instinct (after blurting out "Oh Frak!") was to turn my covers back so my bed was made. Tuesday night though, I placed my glasses on my night stand so I grabbed those as I headed towards my kitchen. There - I grabbed a breakfast sandwich from the Freezer and my thermos so I could pour myself some milk to bring to work. Then I grabbed my lunch I had prepared the night before and walked towards my front entry way where I deposited that stuff in my bag going to work. I set my timer for 10 minutes and got in the shower. Did that, got dressed in the outifit I set out the night before, and blow-dried my hair. When I got my glasses back on - I noticed that not only had I done this without breaking a sweat, but I still had 10 minutes left before I had to be outside. So I used my Wii Fit to do my mid-week weigh in (I've been doing these to just anticipate what kind of progress I'm making WW wise).
As I headed out the door, it seriously felt like a twilight zone moment. A month ago, I probably would have: spent 10 minutes searching through my covers to find my glasses and my badge (covers would be left all helter skelter - possibly even flung across the room); grabbed some outifit that was lying somewhere around my living room; shower and get dressed without drying my hair; and rush out the door only to discover my bus has just driven by so I would have to drive in - but of course would have to stop back in my apartment to grab my keys.
It's when you have crazy moments like this that you realize how far you have come and what the potential is if you continue on this path. It really has me psyched for these changes I am making in my life.
Tuesday night, was my errand night. Visited a new grocery, got rotisserie chicken, did my evening routine, made it to bed before midnight. Despite all this ordinariness, my body decided to oversleep on Wednesday.
I woke up at 7:34 - which meant that I had less than half an hour to get dressed, get packed,and out the door to catch the bus.
My first gut instinct (after blurting out "Oh Frak!") was to turn my covers back so my bed was made. Tuesday night though, I placed my glasses on my night stand so I grabbed those as I headed towards my kitchen. There - I grabbed a breakfast sandwich from the Freezer and my thermos so I could pour myself some milk to bring to work. Then I grabbed my lunch I had prepared the night before and walked towards my front entry way where I deposited that stuff in my bag going to work. I set my timer for 10 minutes and got in the shower. Did that, got dressed in the outifit I set out the night before, and blow-dried my hair. When I got my glasses back on - I noticed that not only had I done this without breaking a sweat, but I still had 10 minutes left before I had to be outside. So I used my Wii Fit to do my mid-week weigh in (I've been doing these to just anticipate what kind of progress I'm making WW wise).
As I headed out the door, it seriously felt like a twilight zone moment. A month ago, I probably would have: spent 10 minutes searching through my covers to find my glasses and my badge (covers would be left all helter skelter - possibly even flung across the room); grabbed some outifit that was lying somewhere around my living room; shower and get dressed without drying my hair; and rush out the door only to discover my bus has just driven by so I would have to drive in - but of course would have to stop back in my apartment to grab my keys.
It's when you have crazy moments like this that you realize how far you have come and what the potential is if you continue on this path. It really has me psyched for these changes I am making in my life.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Buried Treasures
I turned 30 about 2 months after Chris died. At the time, I was obssessed about having the best birthday party because 1) party = fun = happiness = something I needed desperately 2) I needed the destraction of planning something 3)I needed something to remember that year other than grief.
I had an awesome birthday that year. I probably had close to 40 people showed up - it was impossible not to feel loved that night. One of the things I asked my friends to do was write on pieces of papers wishes/messages they had for me, themselves, or whomever.
Well, in my decluttering - I just found these messages. I guess in my grief I just put them aside and buried them in what I currently call my room of doom (that is a different post). I haven't read them before tonight. So I am going to share them with y'all tonight (Don't worry - there aren't 40 messages - just 8)
Wish 1) I wish for Emily to find true happiness with herslef & if God wishes - with another. I hope God wishes - but I do think that its important that I find true happiness with myself first - I'm getting there. This one was unsigned
Wish 2) For Emily - The return of Veronica Mars , For myself - The return of Veronica Mars, For anyone - The return of Veronica Mars Well, we can still hope for the movie - right? I'm pretty sure this was from Roger.
Wish 3) Umm - it's from my friend Adrienne, but I can't decipher her writing except for "This year and the others too." I will bring it to her and get back to you on it, but I'm sure its good.
UPDATE: I just looked at it again - and this time I figured it out. Adrienne says "All will be wonderful,this year and all the others." This makes me think of that Everclear song and makes me smile.
Wish 4) For Emily - A promotion at work, For Myself - To win Tuesday's Mega Millions Jackpot, For Everyone Else - JOY! This is from Julian. This is very sweet of him - I also think that it was awesome that he brought Lemonciello for me that night.
Wish 5) Have a great year There is also a happy face next to it. This one was also unsigned, but unlike all the "Have a Great Year" that people signed in my yearbooks in high school - I'm pretty sure this person meant it.
Wish 6) This one is from Ariel and is 4 everyone (she actually used the number 4)- Life is too short...Tell someone how much they mean to you everyday. This gem is one of the reason why I consider Ariel one of the wisest women I know.
Wish 6b) Here's wishin you'll have good health and peace of mind in 2008! Also from Ariel. Not sure if I had peace of mind in '08, but it's mostly back now. But I do appreciate the sentiment.
Wish 7) My greatest wish for you is that the next 30 years are as awesome as the first 30. This is from Farrasha. Thanks Homey!! Being around her positivity is one of the best parts of my job.
Wish 8) May you always have one special person who makes you laugh and feel extra good about yourself Unsigned. Thankfully I have like a billion and 1 people who do this for me on a regular basis.
I had an awesome birthday that year. I probably had close to 40 people showed up - it was impossible not to feel loved that night. One of the things I asked my friends to do was write on pieces of papers wishes/messages they had for me, themselves, or whomever.
Well, in my decluttering - I just found these messages. I guess in my grief I just put them aside and buried them in what I currently call my room of doom (that is a different post). I haven't read them before tonight. So I am going to share them with y'all tonight (Don't worry - there aren't 40 messages - just 8)
Wish 1) I wish for Emily to find true happiness with herslef & if God wishes - with another. I hope God wishes - but I do think that its important that I find true happiness with myself first - I'm getting there. This one was unsigned
Wish 2) For Emily - The return of Veronica Mars , For myself - The return of Veronica Mars, For anyone - The return of Veronica Mars Well, we can still hope for the movie - right? I'm pretty sure this was from Roger.
Wish 3) Umm - it's from my friend Adrienne, but I can't decipher her writing except for "This year and the others too." I will bring it to her and get back to you on it, but I'm sure its good.
UPDATE: I just looked at it again - and this time I figured it out. Adrienne says "All will be wonderful,this year and all the others." This makes me think of that Everclear song and makes me smile.
Wish 4) For Emily - A promotion at work, For Myself - To win Tuesday's Mega Millions Jackpot, For Everyone Else - JOY! This is from Julian. This is very sweet of him - I also think that it was awesome that he brought Lemonciello for me that night.
Wish 5) Have a great year There is also a happy face next to it. This one was also unsigned, but unlike all the "Have a Great Year" that people signed in my yearbooks in high school - I'm pretty sure this person meant it.
Wish 6) This one is from Ariel and is 4 everyone (she actually used the number 4)- Life is too short...Tell someone how much they mean to you everyday. This gem is one of the reason why I consider Ariel one of the wisest women I know.
Wish 6b) Here's wishin you'll have good health and peace of mind in 2008! Also from Ariel. Not sure if I had peace of mind in '08, but it's mostly back now. But I do appreciate the sentiment.
Wish 7) My greatest wish for you is that the next 30 years are as awesome as the first 30. This is from Farrasha. Thanks Homey!! Being around her positivity is one of the best parts of my job.
Wish 8) May you always have one special person who makes you laugh and feel extra good about yourself Unsigned. Thankfully I have like a billion and 1 people who do this for me on a regular basis.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Finally, My trip on the Isaac H. Evans
At lunch I was going through my documents and found this "essay" I had written about my trip last summer on the Isaac. H. Evans. The Captain had asked me to write something up to share with a reporter about "Gal-Pal" Trips. In this case, I was taking a Gal-Pal trip with my mom. Anyways - I realized that I hadn't shared my experience about the trip online, so I thought that I would post this. I'll post pictures from the trip tonight.
*************************************************
My mom and I discovered that we were ideal traveling partners back in 2003. At the time, my mom had recently located to NC after divorcing my dad and I had lost my job as well as a boyfriend. We had also lost our dog and my grandma (my mom’s mom) to cancer. Obviously it hadn’t been a stellar year up to that point. My mom’s a teacher so she had spring break so she suggested that we do a road trip to Charleston, SC and then to Savannah, GA. While my mom and I had a really strong relationship – I remember realizing on this trip how awesome my mom was as a person – not just as my mom.
Fast forward 6 years later.
A lot had happened since that first trip. My old company hired me back (literally a week after I got home from the Charleston trip), but a few years after that I fired them and took a new job. My mom had firmly established a life in NC – where she is beloved teacher at a high school and active in her church. But one of the biggest things that had affected us was that I had found and lost real love. My boyfriend, Chris, died of a stroke just before Christmas of 2007. It was tough on all of us. Of course I was grieving because I had lost the person I had envisioned a future with; but my mom, she had to deal with not only losing someone she had come to think of as a son, but she was also watching me slip away into a grief fueled depression. By May of 2009, we were both exhausted and needing some kind of refreshment.
My mom and I were just having a normal conversation when suddenly she mentioned our trip to Charleston. It was like a light bulb went off in both of our heads and we realized that a trip was what we needed to rejuvenate ourselves. We began to throw out ideas – repeat our trip to Charleston, drive up to Minnesota to see her sisters, make a pilgrimage out to Wisconsin to see our old watercolor instructor. It was my mom who had the idea for Maine. She said it had been a lifelong dream of hers to go. All I knew about Maine was that the blueberries and pointed firs grew there. So my mom, being a teacher, gave us homework – find out more about Maine. We both searched the Maine’s Tourisms Office website – and from the looks of it – it seemed like Maine was a totally chill state that would give us the peace that we needed. I called a Boston friend of mine who loves Maine (almost more than her husband); she squealed at the prospect of me visiting her favorite place in the world and told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to go there - stat. It was my mom who found the link for a “Fireworks Cruise” on the Isaac H. Evans.
We both instantly fell in love with the idea of a windjammer cruise. It would be something new and different for both of us, and it is also very affordable. A four day/3 night trip (including all food and board) ends up being less than $200 per day/person – that’s less than one day in a hotel + restaurants in most cities. I still remember us conference calling the Evans reservation line and being giddy as school girls making our reservations. For the first time in a long time we both had something to really look forward to.
Onto our trip
We drove up to Maine in one day. I don’t know what possessed us to do that. And while it was tough and we got massively lost toward the end of the marathon drive – it was definitely a worthwhile experience. We spent most of the time either talking about things or just sitting comfortably in silence (a first for me). We also had fun trying to map out different routes to where we were going on our car atlas (no Tom Tom for us). We had opted not to take Route 95; instead we travelled through Pennsylvania farmland and the New York mountains (Route 81 and 84). We found a really delightful state park to have a picnic lunch. Both my mom and I were in the middle of reading the book “Blue Highways” and we definitely felt like we were on a blue highway trip of our own.
Our ultimate destination was Rockland, Maine and the Isaac H. Evans. Because the Evans doesn’t load until the evening – we had all day to explore Rockland. Exploring the Farnsworth Art Museum, my mom shared with me her love of Andrew Wyeth art. We then went to get a Lobster Roll (at Linda Bean’s Perfect Lobster Roll – very fresh and delicious). We also visited the puffin visitor center – which convinced us that our next trip to Maine must include a trip to see the puffins in person.
Of course the highlight of this trip was our time on the Isaac H. Evans. My mom and I both have Girl Scout backgrounds and we found that our time on the Evans felt a lot like going to summer camp when were younger. For four days we were living life on the sea with a group of strangers who quickly become your family. Some of the people traveling with us had been on the Evans in years past (or in the case of Bob – several times that season already). They took us newbs under their wings and taught us the way of boat life. The crew and Captain Brenda were like the cool camp counselors who you totally want to be when you grow up.
There were tons of things to do on the boat. Captain Brenda really embraces a feeling of playfulness on the boat, so in addition to fishing poles there are puzzles, marshmallow guns, pirate regalia, and bubble wands. Plus she and Lil’ John (the first mate) were always challenging us to word games or telling us stories of other trips. One of the passengers even got to play cowboy and lassoed up our stuck lobster trap. You quickly find yourself embracing the kid in your heart.
Of course the grown up in me also had stuff to do. There was plenty of time to read or work on craft projects. It was a very friendly environment for doing things like learning how to use my digital camera. But if you asked me what the one thing I wished I had done on this trip though – I would say that I should asked to help with the cooking. The food on the Evans was top notch and it was all cooked on a wood burning stove and I would have loved to learn to cook on one. Next time I will have to ask if I can help.
I know that one of the problems people run into when traveling together is that they sometimes end up with too much together time. It never felt like that on the Evans. It was really easy for my mom and me to find activities to do separately. We also found it easy to find moments to support each other. I can’t tell you how proud I was watching my mom row Daniel the row boat when we finally anchored the first day – or how much it meant to hear her cheer me on as I was at the pump raising the anchor. There were also the contemplative moments when thoughts of Chris, the memories would hit and my mom would find me and hug me and she would reassure me that everything would be all right – just like she did when I was a little girl. There was something special about the Evans that made this moment happen.
The feeling when we docked was bittersweet. Sweet because we had just had one of the greatest experiences of our lives and bitter because we didn’t want it to end. Before we even got out of the shipyards parking lot, my mom had the “IHE” bumper sticker on the back of our van so the boat would be with us wherever we go. We took advantage of our last day in Maine and we visited various light houses and craft boutiques, but I know that our hearts were yearning to be back on the Evans.
Since getting back – my mom and I talk about the next trip we are going to take on the Evans. It’s not a question of “if”; it’s of “when”. This trip was so refreshing, rejuvenating, and best of all - healing. Since our trip, I have felt more balanced and relaxed with life in general. My mom is talking about doing a “Galpal” trip on the Evans with her oldest friend in the world possibly next summer, while I’m trying to convince multiple friends that we should get a group trip together in two years. But I know that my mom and I will both look for the chance to do this trip together again – it would be a shame not to. Until then– we’ll just have to keep up with Captain Brenda and the Evans online.
*************************************************
My mom and I discovered that we were ideal traveling partners back in 2003. At the time, my mom had recently located to NC after divorcing my dad and I had lost my job as well as a boyfriend. We had also lost our dog and my grandma (my mom’s mom) to cancer. Obviously it hadn’t been a stellar year up to that point. My mom’s a teacher so she had spring break so she suggested that we do a road trip to Charleston, SC and then to Savannah, GA. While my mom and I had a really strong relationship – I remember realizing on this trip how awesome my mom was as a person – not just as my mom.
Fast forward 6 years later.
A lot had happened since that first trip. My old company hired me back (literally a week after I got home from the Charleston trip), but a few years after that I fired them and took a new job. My mom had firmly established a life in NC – where she is beloved teacher at a high school and active in her church. But one of the biggest things that had affected us was that I had found and lost real love. My boyfriend, Chris, died of a stroke just before Christmas of 2007. It was tough on all of us. Of course I was grieving because I had lost the person I had envisioned a future with; but my mom, she had to deal with not only losing someone she had come to think of as a son, but she was also watching me slip away into a grief fueled depression. By May of 2009, we were both exhausted and needing some kind of refreshment.
My mom and I were just having a normal conversation when suddenly she mentioned our trip to Charleston. It was like a light bulb went off in both of our heads and we realized that a trip was what we needed to rejuvenate ourselves. We began to throw out ideas – repeat our trip to Charleston, drive up to Minnesota to see her sisters, make a pilgrimage out to Wisconsin to see our old watercolor instructor. It was my mom who had the idea for Maine. She said it had been a lifelong dream of hers to go. All I knew about Maine was that the blueberries and pointed firs grew there. So my mom, being a teacher, gave us homework – find out more about Maine. We both searched the Maine’s Tourisms Office website – and from the looks of it – it seemed like Maine was a totally chill state that would give us the peace that we needed. I called a Boston friend of mine who loves Maine (almost more than her husband); she squealed at the prospect of me visiting her favorite place in the world and told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to go there - stat. It was my mom who found the link for a “Fireworks Cruise” on the Isaac H. Evans.
We both instantly fell in love with the idea of a windjammer cruise. It would be something new and different for both of us, and it is also very affordable. A four day/3 night trip (including all food and board) ends up being less than $200 per day/person – that’s less than one day in a hotel + restaurants in most cities. I still remember us conference calling the Evans reservation line and being giddy as school girls making our reservations. For the first time in a long time we both had something to really look forward to.
Onto our trip
Of course the highlight of this trip was our time on the Isaac H. Evans. My mom and I both have Girl Scout backgrounds and we found that our time on the Evans felt a lot like going to summer camp when were younger. For four days we were living life on the sea with a group of strangers who quickly become your family. Some of the people traveling with us had been on the Evans in years past (or in the case of Bob – several times that season already). They took us newbs under their wings and taught us the way of boat life. The crew and Captain Brenda were like the cool camp counselors who you totally want to be when you grow up. 
Coming onto the boat – I thought the hard part would be disconnecting from the modern world. While there is electricity on the boat – you have to use it very sparsely so that the battery doesn’t wear out- so no lap tops, no recharging iPods, and cell phone coverage at its best was a little iffy. This level of disconnect from technology is so rare nowadays –and you don’t realize how restful that is until you are bombarded with it back on land. If you want heat (cause it did get cool out there on the water), you bundle up or hang out around the wood burning stoves (which they also use for cooking). We of course had to help the crew with the raising and lowering of the sails as well as the anchor (what a workout). But this adds to that rustic camp feeling.
Since getting back – my mom and I talk about the next trip we are going to take on the Evans. It’s not a question of “if”; it’s of “when”. This trip was so refreshing, rejuvenating, and best of all - healing. Since our trip, I have felt more balanced and relaxed with life in general. My mom is talking about doing a “Galpal” trip on the Evans with her oldest friend in the world possibly next summer, while I’m trying to convince multiple friends that we should get a group trip together in two years. But I know that my mom and I will both look for the chance to do this trip together again – it would be a shame not to. Until then– we’ll just have to keep up with Captain Brenda and the Evans online.
It almost didn't happen
Last night was Day 25 of what I am now dubbig Project Shiny sink. It was the 25th day to get all my dishes done before going to bed. And it was a toughy, because for dinner I made Pioneer Woman's Roasted Red Pepper Sauce with Pasta, which possibly dirties every major appliance in my kitchen. You wouldn't think so considering that it only has something like 8 ingredients, but it feels like it does.
By the time I finished making dinner, it was almost 8:30. I was going to sit down and watch Chuck while eating, only to find out that an earlier power outage had turned off my cable box - thus I was recording a blank screen instead of my beloved Chuck (thank goodness my friend/landlord was recording it too so I could transfer a copy from her tivo onto mine). It took me like half an hour to figure out the tv thing (first reboot left nothing but the homeshopping network on). By the time I got everything fixed and ate my dinner - it was 11 o'clock. I was exhausted, and I had my dishes piled in my sink.
I so did not want to do them. I seriously contemplated leaving them for today. But something in my brain told me that I would be stopping my momentum if I stopped today. So reluctantly I did them - and got them done in about 20 minutes. I left them in the rack to dry while finishing up rest of my evening routine. As I was throwing soemthing in my bag for breakfast today - I realized that I had left the tupperware I had used for lunch. So I went back to my sink - unloaded that and cleaned those. It's like a quarter till midnight at this point. I went and finished an email and then came back to finish drying and put away my dishes.
When all was said and done - it was 12:10 when I had finished everything. I was exhausted to the point where I could have slept standing up. But my sink was clean and clear, my lunch was prepped, and I have enough food/leftovers in my fridge to last me rest of this week. This means I won't have to really cook until this weekend - and I'm set on both Saturday and Sunday to be cooking at other peoples' houses. So hopefully no more big dish washign missions this week. For rest of this week - I can concentrate on clearing away rest of the stuff that is in my living area (which is almost done) and maybe start wii'ing again.
This is a great feeling - and one I wouldn't have had if I had left my dishes in my sink last night.
By the time I finished making dinner, it was almost 8:30. I was going to sit down and watch Chuck while eating, only to find out that an earlier power outage had turned off my cable box - thus I was recording a blank screen instead of my beloved Chuck (thank goodness my friend/landlord was recording it too so I could transfer a copy from her tivo onto mine). It took me like half an hour to figure out the tv thing (first reboot left nothing but the homeshopping network on). By the time I got everything fixed and ate my dinner - it was 11 o'clock. I was exhausted, and I had my dishes piled in my sink.
I so did not want to do them. I seriously contemplated leaving them for today. But something in my brain told me that I would be stopping my momentum if I stopped today. So reluctantly I did them - and got them done in about 20 minutes. I left them in the rack to dry while finishing up rest of my evening routine. As I was throwing soemthing in my bag for breakfast today - I realized that I had left the tupperware I had used for lunch. So I went back to my sink - unloaded that and cleaned those. It's like a quarter till midnight at this point. I went and finished an email and then came back to finish drying and put away my dishes.
When all was said and done - it was 12:10 when I had finished everything. I was exhausted to the point where I could have slept standing up. But my sink was clean and clear, my lunch was prepped, and I have enough food/leftovers in my fridge to last me rest of this week. This means I won't have to really cook until this weekend - and I'm set on both Saturday and Sunday to be cooking at other peoples' houses. So hopefully no more big dish washign missions this week. For rest of this week - I can concentrate on clearing away rest of the stuff that is in my living area (which is almost done) and maybe start wii'ing again.
This is a great feeling - and one I wouldn't have had if I had left my dishes in my sink last night.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Little Changes
So an update from my WW meeting.
I lost 1.4 pounds. The person who weighed me in said it was great that I've had such good losses the first couple of weeks in the program (I had to get a new tracker booklet so it looks like I'm brand new). I kinda brushed it off saying that "Well, I'm not exactly new to the program - I'm just doing it better this time". Looking back - I shouldn't have been so modest. I should have said "Darn Tootin'!"
When I got home I decided to take my other measurements: bust, waist, hips, thigh, arm. I lost about .25 - .75 inches in all of these except for my bust (lost a full inch) and in my thighs (lost 2 inches).
Can I get a woot woot!!
I lost 1.4 pounds. The person who weighed me in said it was great that I've had such good losses the first couple of weeks in the program (I had to get a new tracker booklet so it looks like I'm brand new). I kinda brushed it off saying that "Well, I'm not exactly new to the program - I'm just doing it better this time". Looking back - I shouldn't have been so modest. I should have said "Darn Tootin'!"
When I got home I decided to take my other measurements: bust, waist, hips, thigh, arm. I lost about .25 - .75 inches in all of these except for my bust (lost a full inch) and in my thighs (lost 2 inches).
Can I get a woot woot!!
Finally Decluttering
I think one of hardest mental hurdles I have is letting go of stuff. But it's not like I'm alone in my family in this aspect. My mom can tell you stories about how when my parents got divorced and she was going through everything we had she found boxes of reciepts my dad kept from business trips in the 80's (this was in '02) as well as boxes of fabric that she had bought intending to make dresses for me and my sister, back when we were 5.
I can't exactly tell you why I have some of this stuff. I think a large part of it is the nostalgia factor. We moved around a lot when I was young, thus I don't really have a place that I can consider "Home", instead I have things that I surround myself with that I consider home. Then there is also a part of my brain that says - don't throw it out - you might need it later. The logic that if I don't use it in a year throw it out just hasn't caught up. It's getting there though.
So this weekend I attempted my first declutter project of this whole organization kick. Specifically - I have a desk in the corner of my living space that was meant to hold my computer. But over the last two years it became more of a clutter and dust landing. Instead I had set up my compter so that I could do everything from my bed - a big no no if you talk to any health professional. In addition, the area in front of it had become a magnet for junk. Why not? It's not like I was using the desk.
Needless to say, it was a big task. The dust was really heavy and definitely aggrevated the lungs, but I'm sure this meant that it was aggrevating my lungs just sitting there before. Then there was the decluttering. I started going through a pile of papers and found things like info posters from Jaycee events I did in 2004, emails about upcoming meetings from my previous jobs, and directions to hotels I used years ago. I easily junked those along with the stack of business cards from that previous job.
There was a pile of video tapes gathering dust of some activity my Jaycee chapter used to hold - all of these tapes recorded before I entered the chapter, but I had them becuase I had run the event when I was a Jaycee. Well, I'm not a Jaycee anymore and wasn't particularly interested in them. I saw them earlier this week and knew that I wanted to get rid of them, but wasn't sure if I had the right to dispose them. So I contacted the people I was still in touch with and told them that if no one spoke up for the videos by Feb. 1 that I was going to chuck them. Only one person spoke up and said they already had tapes - thus giving me permission to get rid of them. So into the trash they went.
But then there was my personal nostalgia albatross- my stack of Buffy the Vampire Slayer comics. Back in college I was fanatical about my love for all things Buffy, and had purchased the first 10 issues of her comic. They were sitting in their plastic and everything. The problem is that I don't read comics, but I wasn't sure if I had the heart to just throw them away. So I spent an hour trying to find a shop where I could drop them off. Unfortunately there were no takers - so I finally did what I thought was impossible, I threw them away. In order to prevent me from stealing them back out of the garbage can, immediately after I started cooking dinner, which meant the various vegetable remnants as well as other cooking related trash ended up right ontop of those comics. There was no pulling them out after that.
But I am happy to say that I am now writing this sitting from my desk chair for my new computer/art center (very thankful for thin screens). I even went through the plastic drawer things I have where I stick pens, pencils, paper, cards etc. and threw out writing utensils that didn't work any longer and cards and envelopes that looked totally beaten up and unsuitable for use. I also uncovered a lot of cards that I can use for upcoming holidays - including one that I will send to my mom for Mother's Day.
There was a lot of stuff in this corner. Some of it still hasn't found a home - either in the trash can or on another shelf. It is frustrating that I didn't get through everything, but then realistically I never expected to. I just need to repeat to myself is that I am taking baby steps, which is way better than taking no steps at all.
UPDATE: I just wiped out outside taking 6 pounds of trash that I cleaned up this weekend out to the garbage can (and to fetch my water bottle out of my car). Although it sucks getting all muddy - it felt great to dump that stuff out.
I can't exactly tell you why I have some of this stuff. I think a large part of it is the nostalgia factor. We moved around a lot when I was young, thus I don't really have a place that I can consider "Home", instead I have things that I surround myself with that I consider home. Then there is also a part of my brain that says - don't throw it out - you might need it later. The logic that if I don't use it in a year throw it out just hasn't caught up. It's getting there though.
So this weekend I attempted my first declutter project of this whole organization kick. Specifically - I have a desk in the corner of my living space that was meant to hold my computer. But over the last two years it became more of a clutter and dust landing. Instead I had set up my compter so that I could do everything from my bed - a big no no if you talk to any health professional. In addition, the area in front of it had become a magnet for junk. Why not? It's not like I was using the desk.
Needless to say, it was a big task. The dust was really heavy and definitely aggrevated the lungs, but I'm sure this meant that it was aggrevating my lungs just sitting there before. Then there was the decluttering. I started going through a pile of papers and found things like info posters from Jaycee events I did in 2004, emails about upcoming meetings from my previous jobs, and directions to hotels I used years ago. I easily junked those along with the stack of business cards from that previous job.
There was a pile of video tapes gathering dust of some activity my Jaycee chapter used to hold - all of these tapes recorded before I entered the chapter, but I had them becuase I had run the event when I was a Jaycee. Well, I'm not a Jaycee anymore and wasn't particularly interested in them. I saw them earlier this week and knew that I wanted to get rid of them, but wasn't sure if I had the right to dispose them. So I contacted the people I was still in touch with and told them that if no one spoke up for the videos by Feb. 1 that I was going to chuck them. Only one person spoke up and said they already had tapes - thus giving me permission to get rid of them. So into the trash they went.
But then there was my personal nostalgia albatross- my stack of Buffy the Vampire Slayer comics. Back in college I was fanatical about my love for all things Buffy, and had purchased the first 10 issues of her comic. They were sitting in their plastic and everything. The problem is that I don't read comics, but I wasn't sure if I had the heart to just throw them away. So I spent an hour trying to find a shop where I could drop them off. Unfortunately there were no takers - so I finally did what I thought was impossible, I threw them away. In order to prevent me from stealing them back out of the garbage can, immediately after I started cooking dinner, which meant the various vegetable remnants as well as other cooking related trash ended up right ontop of those comics. There was no pulling them out after that.
But I am happy to say that I am now writing this sitting from my desk chair for my new computer/art center (very thankful for thin screens). I even went through the plastic drawer things I have where I stick pens, pencils, paper, cards etc. and threw out writing utensils that didn't work any longer and cards and envelopes that looked totally beaten up and unsuitable for use. I also uncovered a lot of cards that I can use for upcoming holidays - including one that I will send to my mom for Mother's Day.
There was a lot of stuff in this corner. Some of it still hasn't found a home - either in the trash can or on another shelf. It is frustrating that I didn't get through everything, but then realistically I never expected to. I just need to repeat to myself is that I am taking baby steps, which is way better than taking no steps at all.
UPDATE: I just wiped out outside taking 6 pounds of trash that I cleaned up this weekend out to the garbage can (and to fetch my water bottle out of my car). Although it sucks getting all muddy - it felt great to dump that stuff out.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Reconnecting With My Kitchen
Those of you who know me, know that I love to cook. It's a love that I developed way back in high school. At one point in my life I actually thought I wanted to be a chef, although in the past year or so I've realized that cooking is a passion that I wouldn't want combined with my professional life. Anyways - I love cooking.
When Chris first died - I cooked a lot. I was struggling to hold onto my identity (since my identity as Chris' girlfriend was no longer there) - and cooking was one of those things that is intrensically me. So for a period of a couple of months - I was a cooking foo. Then when the deep depression kicked it - it stopped. More or less everything stopped - but that was one of the noticeable things.
My kitchen is kinda like a garden in that it is constantly getting new things and there is an order to it all. Sometimes that order has to be shaken up. But while I was really depressed - I kinda let it all go - like an abandoned garden. I hated even going in there. And right now I am currently reclaiming it from all the wild weeds.
And its been rejuvinating. The key to it has really been the whole shiny sink from FLYlady. It's just a lot easier to cook something if you know that everything you'll need is washed and ready to go - and you can actually use your counter for prep because it isn't covered in dirty dishes or items that just haven't made it to the pantry. I don't have a dishwasher - so washing the dishes is a real chore - but I'm now finding that its taking me a lot less longer to do it all.
But the truth is - I let my dishes back up. You guys are probably saying, "Gross - TMI", but its the truth - and I don't hide from the truth here. While I'm sure I could have finished washing all the backed up dishes in a day - it would have been long and tedious and I probably would have given up half way through. Instead - I've been setting my timer for 15-20 minutes, making the dishes I dirtied the priority, and any time I have left I use to tackle my backup.
Well, last night I did it. I finished cleaning the backed up dishes. It felt great to dry and put away that last dish. And one of the best parts about it - I was able to say to myself that by keeping up with my routine of doing my dishes every night - I will never have a nasty dish backup like that again.
When Chris first died - I cooked a lot. I was struggling to hold onto my identity (since my identity as Chris' girlfriend was no longer there) - and cooking was one of those things that is intrensically me. So for a period of a couple of months - I was a cooking foo. Then when the deep depression kicked it - it stopped. More or less everything stopped - but that was one of the noticeable things.
My kitchen is kinda like a garden in that it is constantly getting new things and there is an order to it all. Sometimes that order has to be shaken up. But while I was really depressed - I kinda let it all go - like an abandoned garden. I hated even going in there. And right now I am currently reclaiming it from all the wild weeds.
And its been rejuvinating. The key to it has really been the whole shiny sink from FLYlady. It's just a lot easier to cook something if you know that everything you'll need is washed and ready to go - and you can actually use your counter for prep because it isn't covered in dirty dishes or items that just haven't made it to the pantry. I don't have a dishwasher - so washing the dishes is a real chore - but I'm now finding that its taking me a lot less longer to do it all.
But the truth is - I let my dishes back up. You guys are probably saying, "Gross - TMI", but its the truth - and I don't hide from the truth here. While I'm sure I could have finished washing all the backed up dishes in a day - it would have been long and tedious and I probably would have given up half way through. Instead - I've been setting my timer for 15-20 minutes, making the dishes I dirtied the priority, and any time I have left I use to tackle my backup.
Well, last night I did it. I finished cleaning the backed up dishes. It felt great to dry and put away that last dish. And one of the best parts about it - I was able to say to myself that by keeping up with my routine of doing my dishes every night - I will never have a nasty dish backup like that again.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
My Current Faves
So I figure that I will make today's entry easy and just list some of my current favorites.
1) Lucini Cherry Balsamic & Rosemary Vinagrette - A couple of months ago I was all gaga about this weight loss program called "The Game." While my enthusiasm for that has decreased, one of the things I discovered was this salad dressing. Part of the Game is to eliminate all sugar products - including sweetners - out of your diet. You can eat natural sweetners from fruit - but that's about it. So when I was serious about doing it - I had to find something yummy to put on my salads. I thought I would be ok using salad spritzers (0 points in the WW world), but when I looked at the label I noticed that sugar/high fructose corn syrup was the #1 ingredient. Whaa?? So one weekend I went looking for a sugar free salad dressing. In general - they are difficult to find. But the Lucini Balsamic & Rosemary Vinagrette is only sweetened with cherry juice. And it is a luscious salad dressing. Seriously. And you don't need a full serving to get the full effect. A serving is 2 Tbspoons - so I half that and add in 1 teaspoon of olive oil (I need 2 tsp of oil a day for WW). I really like it on a salad with just greens, pears, and parmesan.
2) Fruit slicer - Anyone who has braces can tell you that eating fruit like apples and pears whole is not good for your teeth - or at least not when you have braces. I of course had braces way back in the day - and ever since then I have really detested eating fruit whole. I know fruit is good for me, and when I chose to eat apples and pears, I would chop it up so I didn't have to eat it whole - but frankly that is a pain to do all the time. For Christmas my mom gave me a fruit slicer in my stocking - which makes slicing and coring my fruit a breeze. I love it. Since getting my slicer - I think there has only been 1 or 2 days where I haven't sliced up an apple or pear - and that's because I ran out and didn't want to go to the grocery store just before I visited my mom. I totally heart my fruit slicer.
3) Trident Layers Sugar-Free Gum - I've tried the Strawberry/Tangy Citrus and the Sour Apple/Pineapple. Awesome gum. Keeps its flavor and texture for hours. And the package is totally sturdy so the gum doesn't escape and get chewed up by my purse.
4) Glad Mini Containers - These little containers can contain up to 1/2 cup of anything. I like them because it allows me to bring my salad dressing to work separate from the salad (preventing soggy greens). It also great for storing already sliced onions and tomatoes. And because they are mini - They take up very little room in my cupboards and in my bag.
5)My Isaac H. Evans water bottle - There are a millions of waterbottles - and I've tried many, but this is the first one that I've managed to routinely use. I like that a) it's red - my favorite color b) it has a really clear liquid level tracker on the side of the bottle c) a wide mouth so that I could put ice in there if I wanted to and finally d) the strap that connects the lid to the bottle ain't some skinny old thing that will break at any moment. This is a hardy bottle. It also doesn't hurt that it reminds me of the awesome trip I had on the IHE last year.
6) Vinegar - Not only does vinegar give red velvet cake its yummy tang - it is an awsome cleaner. I've been pouring about a cap full into my dish water every night because it helps to eliminate odor from any dishes (specifically plastic dishes) that absorb odor. I also have a spray bottle of vinegar in my shower. I spray some on the side of the shower and it prevents gross buildup on its walls. You can also get soft hair by once a week rinsing your hair with vinegar. Vinegar strips your hair of the mineral buildup that water and conditioner leaves. But just make sure that you rinse your hair with water afterwards - otherwise your hair may smell a little like pickles until you wash it again.
and finally
7) Flax Seed Oil Caplets - I bought these thinking that I could count it toward my oil consumption in WW. Unfortunately no, however since I've been taking them - my hair has become super soft and shiny. It takes a little longer to work than vinegar (see above) but you avoid the sour pickle smell.
1) Lucini Cherry Balsamic & Rosemary Vinagrette - A couple of months ago I was all gaga about this weight loss program called "The Game." While my enthusiasm for that has decreased, one of the things I discovered was this salad dressing. Part of the Game is to eliminate all sugar products - including sweetners - out of your diet. You can eat natural sweetners from fruit - but that's about it. So when I was serious about doing it - I had to find something yummy to put on my salads. I thought I would be ok using salad spritzers (0 points in the WW world), but when I looked at the label I noticed that sugar/high fructose corn syrup was the #1 ingredient. Whaa?? So one weekend I went looking for a sugar free salad dressing. In general - they are difficult to find. But the Lucini Balsamic & Rosemary Vinagrette is only sweetened with cherry juice. And it is a luscious salad dressing. Seriously. And you don't need a full serving to get the full effect. A serving is 2 Tbspoons - so I half that and add in 1 teaspoon of olive oil (I need 2 tsp of oil a day for WW). I really like it on a salad with just greens, pears, and parmesan.
2) Fruit slicer - Anyone who has braces can tell you that eating fruit like apples and pears whole is not good for your teeth - or at least not when you have braces. I of course had braces way back in the day - and ever since then I have really detested eating fruit whole. I know fruit is good for me, and when I chose to eat apples and pears, I would chop it up so I didn't have to eat it whole - but frankly that is a pain to do all the time. For Christmas my mom gave me a fruit slicer in my stocking - which makes slicing and coring my fruit a breeze. I love it. Since getting my slicer - I think there has only been 1 or 2 days where I haven't sliced up an apple or pear - and that's because I ran out and didn't want to go to the grocery store just before I visited my mom. I totally heart my fruit slicer.
3) Trident Layers Sugar-Free Gum - I've tried the Strawberry/Tangy Citrus and the Sour Apple/Pineapple. Awesome gum. Keeps its flavor and texture for hours. And the package is totally sturdy so the gum doesn't escape and get chewed up by my purse.
4) Glad Mini Containers - These little containers can contain up to 1/2 cup of anything. I like them because it allows me to bring my salad dressing to work separate from the salad (preventing soggy greens). It also great for storing already sliced onions and tomatoes. And because they are mini - They take up very little room in my cupboards and in my bag.
5)My Isaac H. Evans water bottle - There are a millions of waterbottles - and I've tried many, but this is the first one that I've managed to routinely use. I like that a) it's red - my favorite color b) it has a really clear liquid level tracker on the side of the bottle c) a wide mouth so that I could put ice in there if I wanted to and finally d) the strap that connects the lid to the bottle ain't some skinny old thing that will break at any moment. This is a hardy bottle. It also doesn't hurt that it reminds me of the awesome trip I had on the IHE last year.
6) Vinegar - Not only does vinegar give red velvet cake its yummy tang - it is an awsome cleaner. I've been pouring about a cap full into my dish water every night because it helps to eliminate odor from any dishes (specifically plastic dishes) that absorb odor. I also have a spray bottle of vinegar in my shower. I spray some on the side of the shower and it prevents gross buildup on its walls. You can also get soft hair by once a week rinsing your hair with vinegar. Vinegar strips your hair of the mineral buildup that water and conditioner leaves. But just make sure that you rinse your hair with water afterwards - otherwise your hair may smell a little like pickles until you wash it again.
and finally
7) Flax Seed Oil Caplets - I bought these thinking that I could count it toward my oil consumption in WW. Unfortunately no, however since I've been taking them - my hair has become super soft and shiny. It takes a little longer to work than vinegar (see above) but you avoid the sour pickle smell.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Weigh In number 3
This Saturday I had my third weigh in - the second one that would actually measure progress. I had decided to go to my mom's for the long weekend, but since I didn't want to interrupt my new Saturday routine - I left for her house from my meeting.
Anyways - this week I took off 2.4 pounds - for a total of 7 pounds lost. The first time I did WW - it took me a couple of weeks just to take off a pound, probably close to 10 weeks to take off 7 pounds. This time it has just been easier.
I think part of the reason is that I've seen how it works. I've seen how I do better when I track vs. not tracking. I've also seen the benefit of drinking the 2+ liters of water that is required.
I think working on the FLYlady program has also benefitted this process. For the past 18 days - my sink has been empty of dishes when I go to bed. This means that I not only have room to prepare food during the day but that I know where everything is when I need it to prepare something. I even shined my mom's sink when I was there - and my mom noticed what a difference it makes. And because I'm cooking - I'm buying fresher food that I can use in cooking and that tastes better. I'm not having any feelings of food deprevation that I got when I ate at the cafeteria.
This week did have some tough spots. I had brunch at a friends (I drank to much), I had my first cooking club (probably ate too much), and I had happy hour with work people (ate too much fried food). I managed to scrape by the week using all my weekly points. I probably could have done better if I had done more planning and also stood by my ground and not drink/eat what everybody else did.
This definitely rubbed off on me. On the trip to my mom's - before I left I made a cheat sheet of my favorite foods at my favorite places to eat on my way down to her place (seeing that I was traveling during lunch and wasn't eating a big breakfast because of weigh in). I was really shocked seeing some of these points - so instead of stopping at those fast food places, I got apple slices and a fresh sandwich made to my specs at Wawa. That's progress.
Anyways - this week I took off 2.4 pounds - for a total of 7 pounds lost. The first time I did WW - it took me a couple of weeks just to take off a pound, probably close to 10 weeks to take off 7 pounds. This time it has just been easier.
I think part of the reason is that I've seen how it works. I've seen how I do better when I track vs. not tracking. I've also seen the benefit of drinking the 2+ liters of water that is required.
I think working on the FLYlady program has also benefitted this process. For the past 18 days - my sink has been empty of dishes when I go to bed. This means that I not only have room to prepare food during the day but that I know where everything is when I need it to prepare something. I even shined my mom's sink when I was there - and my mom noticed what a difference it makes. And because I'm cooking - I'm buying fresher food that I can use in cooking and that tastes better. I'm not having any feelings of food deprevation that I got when I ate at the cafeteria.
This week did have some tough spots. I had brunch at a friends (I drank to much), I had my first cooking club (probably ate too much), and I had happy hour with work people (ate too much fried food). I managed to scrape by the week using all my weekly points. I probably could have done better if I had done more planning and also stood by my ground and not drink/eat what everybody else did.
This definitely rubbed off on me. On the trip to my mom's - before I left I made a cheat sheet of my favorite foods at my favorite places to eat on my way down to her place (seeing that I was traveling during lunch and wasn't eating a big breakfast because of weigh in). I was really shocked seeing some of these points - so instead of stopping at those fast food places, I got apple slices and a fresh sandwich made to my specs at Wawa. That's progress.
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